A ritual more than anything else.

so another year another year has passed me by. i realize i have become older, calm on the outside, patient and mature as well some say.

but there is a storm brewing inside. a tsunami maybe, by storm standards. it is churning the past few years in a fast pace and is at that point of puking it all out. And do not be fooled by false demeanors. beneath the calm and patient mask, there lurks a highly cynical and sarcastic impatient being that is smirking at everything, including my own responses. if you could tear off the mask, you would see an 'eyebrow-raised-smirk' face that doesn't give a dime to anyone or anything.

i believe we live in cycles. not concentric, more like a venn..some circles overlap with your past cycles, some more than other and some very detached. i also feel that we live in the current cycle more than the others- like if you color coded them- the past would be a lovely lavender, but hazy. the present a bright indigo and the future a soft haze of some color unknown. strangely, either ways you look, towards the past or the future, it's through a purple haze. i digress. the current cycle. yes, it takes over everything else, the bright indigo, making you feel this is life, today is living. not that cycles are bound by years or times, they have their own lives.but year ends somehow are the times you sit down for a short breath before you start on the next leg. circles- when you look at your life in hindsight, it so many different sized circles of lavender, or so many different shades. sitting in your indigo circle that overpowers everything in present you wonder if all those circles are yours, if all those lives are yours.

i also wonder sometimes, if someday i come to a crossroad and suddenly meet myself from years before- would i recognize her? would she recognize me? i know one thing though. if i met her some day i would hold her and cry to my heart's fill. just hold her tight and cry, cry till the warning goes off of another flood.

there i digress again. the year gone by. what have i achieved? what have i learnt? feels a bit empty the last year.usually i stock them up pretty tight. this year, it looks like a house of zen- minimalist. but it does not give me peace. It makes me feel empty. i feel empty of feelings, of doing anything meaningful for myself. i have pretty much lived my life on my own terms. but this year i feel like a zombie that went through the chores without even being a part of anything. i did not write a lot, i did not read many books, i did not watch that many movies, i did not travel that much, i did not do anything that makes me feel good. strangely, even the music was random strains of past songs that i couldn't carry the tune of. quite an empty year. even as i try to carry out this annual ritual , hoping that my mojo in writing will get back, i feel the churning , where words make no sense and bang into each other, creating a cacaphony making me nauseous..

the year will end. the cycle will end too. I hope this feeling of emptiness moves to that of calm.

Tamaso Ma Sad Gamaya. lead me to light from darkness.

I have a good feeling..

I live by my gut feelings and intuitions. And this year i really have a good feeling about it.

Last year started on the wrong foot and the whole year was a follow up on that.

On the political front , it was literally bang bang bang..from Kashmir to Ram Sethu, from Gujjars of Rajasthan and Gujjus of Modi's Gujurat to burning Mizoram and tense Guwahati, from twin blasts in Lucknow and Hyderabad to the Nondigram and Prashant Tamang. The last audible bang was with which went forever one of the most charismatic women leaders of this era. I realised in the game of politics, the game is more important for the powerful, the powerless and the powers that were than running a polity itself. I realised the US can play the big bully till the moment we gather the guts to fight it. That also needs courage and conviction which somehow has become as rare as the white gibbon but soon can become a dodo if we don't start looking for it now.But no one had in their dreams imagined India and somewhat China, the market-led-capitalist communist country , if there was any, go shooting in the international arena, past all speculations and predictions of the "futurists". Didn't the sensex have a bull-run past all expectations?But we still had the stories of poverty and unemployment, but that was totally behind the scenes. Until we realise that our concepts of development need to change, you know where we can all end up.

On the other fronts, i lost that unflinching devotion to the Big B and SLB. There was the break up of Shahid-Kareena which made me sad because they made such a great pair and surprise hits in "Jab We Met" (just to rub in the irony, i guess) and "Chak De" and not-so-surprising flop in Sad-wariya. I realised we have some very good copy cats and the originals are only appreciated after they shun appreciation of all kinds. Also a few had imagined India , the written-off underdogs to be the world-champs in the fast food form of cricket.I still remember my friends' incredulity who had put up a bet where i was the only one scooting for India. The 'Chak De India" factor went beyond cricket for a change and hockey and footfall with sprinkles of tennis, chess,shooting and badminton thrown in, had their fare share at the India's hall of fame.

On the homestead there were blasts of a different kind. My family didn't give me a moment's peace and the only thing on their agenda was to see me married and sent off to that unknown land- lock, stock and god knows how many smoking and fuming barrels..Thankfully, i evaded all those. But just about it.

On the professional front, we overcame a lot of hurdles, some which we had anticipated and some just materialised at the most unlikely of places. We also graduated from the small hut which we were running as a school to our own building.We changed the entire look and feel of the office and shifted our strategy and involvement to more of lobby and advocacy and increased importance on the basic human rights.We started a lot of projects and wound up a few more..Eventful and still going strong.I became much more laid back and a stronger person.

On my personal front, it was mayhem as well. I consciously took a lot of decisions which hurt me initially but on the hindsight, i'm proud to have made them. I cut the threads of a lot of connections which had become umbilical. The severing was painful and yet very necessary for life to go on. I learned a few lessons and revised some more. I realised that my family is very important to me and i can be a lioness with her cubs when it comes to them. I realised i can do my best to make a relationship work and bear the hurt and pain to the point impossible. But once i call it quits there is no looking back. Don't know what kind that makes me but i am not bothered about it as you know, more confident than i already was, more a loner than ever. A lot happier and a shape of the road just visible. And the road was never very important for me , neither is it now. My god played elusive too or maybe it was me. The journey still continues and deep inside, i'm still questioning a lot of things in me and my world..i realised the only constant variable in life is change.

And another year on the calender has changed.

Another thing that has changed is my feeling about it. I really feel good. My instincts tell me this will be a good year. For all of us.

Have a great year ahead..

and once more..Make a difference, be the change and lead by example..The best of everything for everyone.

A chapter closed...

a chapter's closed
well..almost..

a year of memories
some to be cherished
and some forgotton
well..almost..

a fistful of friends
some gathered
and some gone forever
well..almost..

a few moments lived
to be sipped
alongwith that hot coffee
on a lazy afternoon
etched on the coffee mug
well..almost..

a chapter of experiences typed and set
to be printed in the life's press
someday someday
when all chapters are done
yes..all done...