Saying good bye?

we did not know
that you would come knocking
we didn't expect you so soon

you know we had been thinking
we had been dreaming
silently , in our hearts
that you would come
that it was time that you came

but no, we didn't expect you so soon

and you arrived
a surprise
we were scared
unprepared

but you saw the happiness
you saw the glow
the blessings
the little worries
of your ma and pa
of grand moms and grand dads
of uncles and aunts
of the great grand dad and great grand moms
and everyone who knew you had come

but love, the promise was to stay forever
we were preparing the welcome
and you said goodbye

the noises of preparation
of you arrival
are now silent
no words fill up the void
we try to forget that you were there
but it isn't easy love

carelessly some words slip out
and then there are no words
the silent questions
of things we didn't do right

there is nothing now
but an emptiness
empty womb where you were
empty hearts, empty minds

we need to grieve now
and we do not know how

Mi Amor

in all sorries and their sorrinesses
in the depth of my gratitude
in the width of the circling horizons
of unending pain
in the heights of my ecstasies
i find you

i lose you for a moment
and i know the stillness of death
but even death has a point
i look everywhere but alas
and in a sudden glance
i find you

you become my zephyr of life
you give me my breath
you beat in my heart
you run in my veins
and i lose myself

in you i lose
your eyes i become
i smell with your breath
you i taste
your ears i become
and i feel you

i become your heart
and fight your mind
i think your thoughts
and i hold your pain
your smile hangs on my dimples
and i find myself again

i raise my hand to touch the mirror
and i see your face
when your hand touches mine
the smile is mine
i see the teardrop on your cheek
and feel the wetness on mine

i hold the thought
and you hold me
the moment lives
and we too live again.

Thank You Life..

Blame it on the season..everyone around me was getting married..no..i still haven't..but soon..yes..very soon..

Needed to say a lot many thank yous..

Ajit Bhai: Thank You for sending me his number..thank you introducing me to my life..Seems so long ago..was it really April, 25th, this year when you gave me his number and i saved it as unknown..took me longer to send that first text across..May 8th..but my life's changed forever since..Thank You again..Ajit bhai, no words will ever show the gratitude both of us feel..

My Family: For understanding me enough and having that faith in me that i'm right in choosing him as my partner for life.And to have waited this long, going alongwith me in all my "no"s, knowing that i would get the best in life..because i'm your best..For knowing that my happiness is not in fancy weddings and fast cars..but in being loved and accepted..and also standing by me when i say i want a small simple wedding where i marry my life..

All Ex-Wayi-Zees: Specifically the Aars and Esses...For having the perception, or lack of it, to move on..to have knowingly or unknowingly have contributed to creation of persons both of us have become..where we understand the difference between the real and fake..when we understand the meaning of love, acceptance and complete surrender to each other....the reason we didn't even have to meet each other to know that we were meant for each other..for always..for life..the meeting was only the formality where all the pieces fell into place..but both of us were already each other's pieces..waiting to meet..am sure none of you expected us to move on..as i surmise from your current reactions, i guess you were fully expecting us to pine and rot away for you..sorry..but no sorries..we didn't..we were never the people who lost out on life..both of us love life..love ourselves..yes we loved you..with all we had and beyond..but it was you who chose to walk out and walk over..the only apology, sorry, we couldn't be the doormats you wanted us to be..

My friends: Ae to Zee.. Thank You for all the loving wishes , blessings and hugs and suggestions and smiles and jokes and tips..yeah, those ones too.. ;) they are a part of me for always..what would i do without you guys..who i sometimes feel are happier than me for me..yeah..don't go touching wood every two seconds..and no "kaala tika"..spare your monitors my loves..

My brothers and sis: Thank You for shaking me out of my irreverence sometimes..and craziness most of the time..and mostly , thank you for standing by me..

To the family i'm going into: Thank You for accepting me as a part of your family..Ma, for your acceptance and love and that assurance that i will find my roots i've always searched for, Madhu, for making me feel so at home and comfortable from the word go and that soft and sweet voice..Ajaa, for that comforting support and making me feel i'm marrying into a family of substance..feel so proud of you, Rishi: For being that devar i always wanted, are we going to have fights??!!! Kinshuk: still to meet you kid, but as your mom tells me about you, we're somewhere on the same levels..Dad..i'm still to meet..But i know, just know you all are made for me..the family of my dreams..Thank You..Will try to live up to the standards you all have unknowingly set..Thank You..

Yes, i'm getting married..when i do not know..where, no idea..in fact i'm as married to him as i can be..

Finally, Thank You my love..for coming into my life..i know both of us come from places where we were destined to meet and make this magic happen..Thank you for being the person you are..thank you for loving me so unconditionally..thank you for being my support, my strength, my pride, my confidence..Thank You for being my epitome, my dream, my value..Do not know when you became mi amor from unknown..do not know how you stole my heart away..but you have..and now you are my passion, my love, my ecstasy..thank you for understanding me..we'll romance life my love..together..i am complete with you..yes..even without you..i miss you..but it's only a waiting that we'll be together soon..to love, live..to read those books we've read and haven't..most importantly, the book of life...when i hold it and you read from it..your voice..my eyes..when the music is the symphony we make together..the fights, the laughter..the songs..the dreams..ours..

Thank You for being you..
i have wondered my love
how many ways i love you
and every day i fall in love again
i love you in the tightness of you embrace
in the softness of your fleeting touch
i love the way you look at me
love the way you look away
when i catch you doing it
love your voice over the phone
your laughter that gurgles from your throat into my heart
love the way you give me a new name everyday
mi amor, Esposa, mi rio, innamorata,
boie, childwoman, puchku
love, life
cheese, wife
yes, i am all those
you are the compliment and the complimentary

i have fallen into you
and do not know
where i end
and where you begin
i am you and you are me..
Dreams shared..because we have had the same dreams
at different times and different places
shared books..because we revel in the words
and our favourite book is our life
shared moments..because no moment is mine
since we met..it's our moments..
shared life..because the missed beats,,
the rushing blood..the pain..the ecstasy
the acceptance..the content
the trust..the belief..is ours..
our life..
Thank You..for being you..

Sir, This is for you!!!

( Sir passed away..on Dusshera, 28.09.2009)

We love you..

That is all i want to say..on behalf of all the students you taught.

Personally, there are so many things i want to tell you. For instance, you'll remain my favourite teacher for ever ever. Because you were one teacher who loved teaching, who loved all children like his own, who cared for every child individually.Because you taught me, nothing is impossible once you set your heart to it. Because you taught me i was special. But how did you forget that sir?How did you forget that you are special too? For all of us- for every student whose life you touched in your very special way..

I still remember sir, when everyone wanted to take some time from your busy schedules, to take private tutions, you made time for all of them..i remember how much you loved me, because you came to teach me at home. sometimes as late as ten thirty in the night, on a bicycle, holding an umbrella on a rainy day, taking so much of pain, waking me up and making me study..not because i ever asked you..but because you just loved me..and you just took it on yourself as a responsibility..

I remember you as a "master" in the true sense because there wasn't a subject you couldn't teach with confidence and elan..i remember, all your classes were fun and maths, chemistry, physics just were your favourite playthings and all social sciences your favourite playmates. i remember all that because every time anyone had a doubt, there was one teacher with the solution: Mishra sir, the pan eating, ever smiling, loving Surendra Mishra Sir.

Oh sir, why didn't you tell us you were so sick? i blame myself the most..I was here, in Keonjhar and you had been suffering silently.. I should have known you wouldn't say anything to anyone..you are too proud for it.. i should have gone and talked to you.

And it feels horrible to see your pillar of strength begin to crumble.. it feels like the worst injustice to hear that voice break up and cry like a small baby, who helped us through our baby steps and helped us grow.

Sir, we are all here with you..to support you, to stand by you. We will not let you crumble. We will see you through this sickness and wait for you to come back. Last time you had a stroke, you came back from your paralysis and started doing the thing you have always loved-teaching. You came back like a true fighter that you've taught us to become. And we all know you'll come back this time too.

There's another batch waiting for you sir.

Get well and come back soon.

Goodbye!!!

You ask me with your eyes to forgive you
You are forgiven , unconditionally

You ask me not to turn away when we meet
i promise you'll see my best smile, if we ever did meet

You ask me not to ever hate you,
i wish i could,
if that's what you think me capable of.

If it is any solace to you,
i look for you on the roads i take,
i think of you every step i take.
i feel you in every moment that passes
you are the smile on my lips and the tears on my lashes

You beg with those words not spoken
to understand
But my love,
i have understood
more than i ever should

I will cry my thousand tears
My heart will bleed with the pain of my own love
But for you my love
they will be the tears of the phoenix .
To heal your pain and smooth the scars.

You want to see me in eternal smiles
i promise that is what you'll see
You want me to forget all the pain
Yes my love, that shall be.

I have a good feeling..

I live by my gut feelings and intuitions. And this year i really have a good feeling about it.

Last year started on the wrong foot and the whole year was a follow up on that.

On the political front , it was literally bang bang bang..from Kashmir to Ram Sethu, from Gujjars of Rajasthan and Gujjus of Modi's Gujurat to burning Mizoram and tense Guwahati, from twin blasts in Lucknow and Hyderabad to the Nondigram and Prashant Tamang. The last audible bang was with which went forever one of the most charismatic women leaders of this era. I realised in the game of politics, the game is more important for the powerful, the powerless and the powers that were than running a polity itself. I realised the US can play the big bully till the moment we gather the guts to fight it. That also needs courage and conviction which somehow has become as rare as the white gibbon but soon can become a dodo if we don't start looking for it now.But no one had in their dreams imagined India and somewhat China, the market-led-capitalist communist country , if there was any, go shooting in the international arena, past all speculations and predictions of the "futurists". Didn't the sensex have a bull-run past all expectations?But we still had the stories of poverty and unemployment, but that was totally behind the scenes. Until we realise that our concepts of development need to change, you know where we can all end up.

On the other fronts, i lost that unflinching devotion to the Big B and SLB. There was the break up of Shahid-Kareena which made me sad because they made such a great pair and surprise hits in "Jab We Met" (just to rub in the irony, i guess) and "Chak De" and not-so-surprising flop in Sad-wariya. I realised we have some very good copy cats and the originals are only appreciated after they shun appreciation of all kinds. Also a few had imagined India , the written-off underdogs to be the world-champs in the fast food form of cricket.I still remember my friends' incredulity who had put up a bet where i was the only one scooting for India. The 'Chak De India" factor went beyond cricket for a change and hockey and footfall with sprinkles of tennis, chess,shooting and badminton thrown in, had their fare share at the India's hall of fame.

On the homestead there were blasts of a different kind. My family didn't give me a moment's peace and the only thing on their agenda was to see me married and sent off to that unknown land- lock, stock and god knows how many smoking and fuming barrels..Thankfully, i evaded all those. But just about it.

On the professional front, we overcame a lot of hurdles, some which we had anticipated and some just materialised at the most unlikely of places. We also graduated from the small hut which we were running as a school to our own building.We changed the entire look and feel of the office and shifted our strategy and involvement to more of lobby and advocacy and increased importance on the basic human rights.We started a lot of projects and wound up a few more..Eventful and still going strong.I became much more laid back and a stronger person.

On my personal front, it was mayhem as well. I consciously took a lot of decisions which hurt me initially but on the hindsight, i'm proud to have made them. I cut the threads of a lot of connections which had become umbilical. The severing was painful and yet very necessary for life to go on. I learned a few lessons and revised some more. I realised that my family is very important to me and i can be a lioness with her cubs when it comes to them. I realised i can do my best to make a relationship work and bear the hurt and pain to the point impossible. But once i call it quits there is no looking back. Don't know what kind that makes me but i am not bothered about it as you know, more confident than i already was, more a loner than ever. A lot happier and a shape of the road just visible. And the road was never very important for me , neither is it now. My god played elusive too or maybe it was me. The journey still continues and deep inside, i'm still questioning a lot of things in me and my world..i realised the only constant variable in life is change.

And another year on the calender has changed.

Another thing that has changed is my feeling about it. I really feel good. My instincts tell me this will be a good year. For all of us.

Have a great year ahead..

and once more..Make a difference, be the change and lead by example..The best of everything for everyone.

My conversations with myself...

If you're looking for your ego to be massaged
please look elsewhere..
i don't even find time to massage mine
and sure as the sun in the sky
i suffer from a superiority complex
Big Time!!!

if you're trying to hurt me
a brilliant suggestion
spare the effort
i can only be hurt by people i love
and people i love
will do everything
to keep me away from it

if you are out to scare me..
it'll just be a funny little joke
my worst fears have come true
there's nothing left to fear

if you're trying to show off
and put on airs
i can do a better job
just that i find it's better
kept locked in an attic
or a basement
to be done in once in a while
if you really have the itch
with one person - yourself

if you think you're disappointed in me
sorry to to disappoint you again
i only returned the compliment..

if you think i'm rude
as far as i'm concerned-
Mission Accomplished

if you ever think i've hurt you
that's your life's biggest misconception
because i honestly accept
to hurt someone i love
is beyond my list of capabilities

I love You

I Love You....

..I Love you..I'm sorry if I never told you that. I'm sorry, I never showed you what I felt....And it's now that you are gone, I'm missing you..more than anyone will ever know..I feel you every moment..I see you smile..( I swear it was lovely smiles you gave me whenever we met..even though it was probably so many times a day..)

How long were we together??12 years??Doesn't seem that long...Still remember the day you were born..I was dressed and ready to go to school..Your mom gave birth to you..So quiet and so lady like...And proud of all four of you...And I don't know what pulled me to you..But your unusual colouring, your lovely eyes made me fall in fall in love with you, then and there..The others got adopted but you didn't.. Actually, seems like we were destined to be together..You kept coming back to my place even though so many people tried taking you away..I can not be sure even today how a tiny thing , all of two months ,could find it's way back from a distance of 15 kms..through the busy streets and then the deserted lanes...( I guess you may have just cheated a bit and followed the watchman back from his village with such stealth that even he didn't realise it..)Remember how both of us got shouted at together..I think you were more human than me and I was more dog than you..The food I stole for you..and the strange tit-bits you brought me..I guess they were your gifts for me..So I loved them all.. Though it was a difficult task returning shredded new sandals to our neighbours daughter..And I realised even then you could read my mind and somehow you knew I had my heart lost on those pair of sandals..

Why did you choose such a time to die when I was not even home??After being with me for 12 years you should have atleast waited..I don't know if I would have felt any different if yours would have been a natural death..I don't know.. and I really can't feel anything now..Or maybe I'm feeling so many things at a time I can't put my finger on a single one....When I think that someone poisoned you, I feel very angry..Angry at people who can be cruel to poor dumb creatures..Sandil says get that "bozo" identified and give him a kick up his....Whatever " bozo" means, suits your murderer..I don't know if I'll be able to get that person identified firstly..Murderers do not accept their guilt even tough it's an animal, dumb animal, they have killed, I guess.. I also don't think he'll be too proud of it either..And secondly, I really don't know if there's anything I can say to him..My dogs are gone for ever..You are gone forever...When I was going for my meeting last week, you so affectionately came up to me and would have dirtied all my clothes with your dirty paws had I not given you one of my dirty looks...And to think I should have let you..to think I should have hugged you one last time...

I came back day before yesterday and I couldn't hear your bark..I thought you guys had gone for one of your nocturnal tours..And anyways I was very late and tired after being on tour for eight days and wasn't even thinking so seriously..I knew I would meet you on my morning walk..Early morning when I came out with roties to feed you..and whistled..none of you would come.. I kept calling all of you but you didn't come..And then Mom told me, you'd been killed..She said , "Your Chabloo, his wife and their two kids died two days back and only two other puppies are left.."... I always called her your wife,,don't know why..But that name suited her so well..I never even thought of any other name..Also remember the day you brought her home..that was six years back..She was so agressive and you let her be..Though I didn't like her much in the beginning I just accepted her gradually cause you were so madly in love with her..You gave her your food..You favourite place in the lawn.. So how could I not agree to the match???

Mom says maybe you ate something wrong by yourself..But how can four of you eat the same thing and die and leave two others to mourn for you? I know you shared everything..I cannot believe my intelligent companions could be so foolish to eat poison...I know someone did it knowingly..Maybe it's someone whose cattle and herd you had attacked last week..Maybe it is some other" bozo"...maybe it is you by yourself..But I hate you for leaving me without notice..I know you were growing older..Your wife too...But your kids were only 6 months old!!!!Why did they get killed too? Four of you have gone..And the two left are in mourning..There's noone to follow me on my morning walks..You always made me feel safe in those jungle roads which noone travelled on so early in the morning..No one greets me when I come back home..Noone gives me a surprise nuzzle on my neck..Noone fights to get my attention..Noone follows me around as if that's the only reason thay have been sent to this world for..And noone's left with whom I can share my thoughts....

I Love you..I always will..Thank You for being there..I know life is transitory..But you could have given me a warning atleast???

Let a new life begin,

Time has come to bury you..

I'll bury you with my own hands,

my tears will be shed, the pain will be felt,

But I'll still bury you.

it will be a burial with flowers,

with lots of lilies for the fragrance you brought to my life,

with some beautiful roses from the garden we tendeed together,

I'll pick out all thorns though..

As you never let me feel pain..

i'll make a wreath with the flowers of all colours you brought to my life...

And besides all this I'll bury a part of myself..

the part that was only yours..I'll cry for myself..

I'll cry for you a little more..

Think of the things as they could have been..

Laugh at the memories as they were..

shed a few more tears on things I couldn't do to...

I give a royal burial..

My hearbeats take the final march..

My voice croons the final song..

My eyes bear the testimomy..

Good bye darling..May you always live in peace...

The story of two owls

This story begins with the birth of "Shona", the beautiful owl...Actually , to be precise , sometime earlier than that..The day her beloved "Shonu" was born..He was perfect..As perfect an owl could be..Big eyes, beautiful coat, elegant beak and a much more beautiful heart..But he had just one tiny flaw. He was mute..He could never speak. As he grew, he heard the world , helped his friends and family , bettered himself every moment and drowned every pain in his eyes.He understood everyone but noone even made the effort for him..His eyes tried expressing his thoughts, but who cared?In a world where language of words are misinterpreted what chance had he with his eyes?He was alone in this world..Loving everyone, making the dreams of his family a reality.He had forgotton his own life..He had accepted that life for him was that- a life lived for everyone else but himself....

And then on a perfectly perfect day,as she was flying away, Shona saw him, her perfect Shonu, lost in his thoughts, with tears in his eyes and stopped...Divinity knows what made her do that...Oh! Shona. Forgot to tell you about her. She lived in a tree just beside Shonu's tree. She too was perfection in herself. Beautiful, caring, loving and everything that you can call beautiful, just like her Shonu. No , she wasn't mute. Just the opposite. Talkative to the hilt. As if God had given her two mouths instead of one. She was always talking..and when noone was around, singing to herself..Everyone said she was one of the happiest creatures in the world. But, they didn't know her. She hid her pain in her smiles, in her incessant chattering and bubbly chirping.. Noone knew the fear that haunted her every moment . It was her artificail shield to save her from the vultures that lived in her tree..Those vultures who had picked at her since she could remember and left scars for life..She hid those scars well..beneath her lovely coat..And yes, She met her Shonu and he met her...

It was the moment the magic began. Shonu never understood why he loved Shona. And he loved her with his life. And Shona's life was Shonu. If he felt her to be his extension, She felt herself become complete with him. If they were perfect individually , together they were a phenomena. The language of words was never missed. They communicated easily, with their beautiful eyes, Sharing and loving each other with everything they had.Shona forgot her every fear and Shonu found his perfect ex-pression withount any words.But they lived with the vultures. Noone knows till today how they ended up in trees with vultures. And they had become there family. Shonu was married off to a vulture of a far away tree, who never understood Shonu. Shonu accepted, as he had , everything in his life.A sacrifice that he thoughtt he owed to them. He tried to forget Shona. Maybe he did.

And Shona. She still sits on her tree. Long after all vultures have gone to sleep, she looks at Shonu's tree and sometimes can see his eyes, gleaming with tears, just like the day, she had first met him...