Feminism and all that jazz

WIKIPEDIA: Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defendingequal political, economic, and social rights for women.^[1][2] In addition, feminism seeks to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist is "an advocate or supporter of the rights and equality of women".^[3]

I have prided myself in being a feminist. Always have. And like the varied definitions of feminism, i have mine. I define feminism as the belief that a woman should assert her right as an individual without any fear. But as evident from this definition i can be a feminist till the donkeys come home without changing, practically,  a sand in the whole universe. 

Unless the belief, that women should have equal opportunities to men,  is changed to actual action- where women start using the opportunities and that is treated with respect, without prejudices, nothing will change. Every feminist will be ridiculed, all action by a woman to be what she deserves and is rightfully hers will be denied. The woman will assert her right at her home, her workplace, family and friends and still feel defeated.

It's the paradox we work in. To make this simpler, a few examples.

You will meet a certain kind of people who hate feminists. They say, it's a fad. Maybe it is. Who cares. But let's have some facts. I will actually leave it on you to research.What is the ratio of men: women in the world?  How many women are in the top management of any country, organisation, force? What percentage of those women comes from economically marginalised community? What percentage of the world's women population has the flexibility to take decisions around her life, her marriage, her child birth, family planning, budgets , what they eat, what they wear.  What percentage actually uses that flexibility? What percentage of the world's population is a part of domestic violence? What percentage of that are girls and women? How many of those are from the economically deprived sections?

let's take the story of any modern woman and man.

She has chosen not to get married till she finds the "right" man. She gets married  to a guy who calls himself a feminist. She is  amazed to finally find that one man in the universe who is sensitive, understands patriarchy, is learned, well read and well versed in world literature. Until the honeymoon is over. Literally.

Then she realises he hates it if she tells him to flush the toilet after use. Because it's his life and he has the right to live like he likes. She starts flushing the toilet then after. On some good days he does it himself. But this scenario pretty much prevails in all matters of matrimony, be it buying groceries, cooking , cleaning, spending money, anything and everything. She tries to understand the history , to understand where it is coming from and then at one point she realises all that both are doing is just a sad effort to gloss over which isn't right in the first place. The well learned  man has made a unconscious(Maybe conscious sometimes) choice to be the "man". Nothing she does will change it. In fact , the more she asserts her rights the more rigid and closed he will become.  It has nothing to do with what the man thinks in his mind. Over the years, without knowing, the belief system of "what women should be" has become a part of the subconsciousness .  Who wins , who loses. One day, she wants to give up and pick up the charade of being the ideal wife.  And that's the charade the wives of the world live in. Not because they love it but the choice of being themselves does not exist.

This results in reaffirming the cycle of patriarchy where the hearts and wills of women are broken down everyday. 

In your workplace, she works hard, gets paid the least , is committed, work in creating a positive environment, smiles and enjoys what she does. And when the promotion comes around, she hears the snide remarks of using her femininity to get higher in her career. Apparently her fault that guys look at her as an object. She has to learn to hide herself, o be unheard , to be unseen, under "proper" attire. 

Also, in a scenario where a wrong has been done and a woman raises her voice, she's accused of being a feminist. "Accused". Really. 

In the same scenario, because this prejudice exists, women actually learn to use the "desirability quotient" to get by in tough circumstances. They have inherently learnt the act of the look, the shake, the smile, the tear, the pathos to get by. It's sometimes hilarious to be  part of these theatricals but i somehow don't blame the women very much. In my mind i have debated this quite often and even while allocating some amount of blame on the woman i always appropriate much of it on the "brilliant" man who's made a choice to be blinded by prejudice.  

My mother keeps telling me i should never pick up fights with my husband, i should keep quiet unless necessary ( my necessity and her necessity have different definitions is a different discussion), i get told about "his" favourite cuisines that i should cook. No one gives a damn that i might have a choice, that i might not want to do all this. You speak your mind and you challenge every laid down stereotype without being the "demure" woman you're supposed to be.

And let me tell you, not all women are feminist either. Most women have deep rooted patriarchy just like the men do. And the reverse is true as well. The feminist or "women sensitive" people as i like to call them are too few and too far in between, amongst men and women equally. It is also difficult for a man to be a feminist as well. 

I still await when the mindsets will change, not in words but in actions. And this is not some random girl's story, it's my story, it's my neighbor's story, it's my friend's story and my family's story. Every woman you see has a story that she's never told. Every woman you meet has a story of broken dreams. It cuts across the domains of family, work and society. Ask the man and his story will have a woman's story that changed him as well.

Patriarchy is the basis of all forms gender based violence, specially against women. I will write about that separately. The violence against gay, lesbian and bisexuals is also because of deep rooted partriarchy and anything that goes beyond or challenges it is dealt with skepticism in most cases and violence is many. 

But beyond the stories, the realities have to change. I've not turned hopeless yet. Things are changing and will change. In one age i would have been burnt at stake for saying this. But today i can argue my case, i can talk about it in an open medium. Look forward to the stoic silences and some ferocious debates after i've posted this.

Being a Woman

Sometime back i was doing some research on Domestic Violence. Now, after i was "domesticated" or married in other words, i really haven't found the time to write about what i had felt at that time.But again, that had some good implications, at least for me.

Firstly, being married makes you even more sensitive towards different issues and emotions which one wouldn't relate to when unmarried. And , secondly, it also makes you realise that it's very easy to play the role of a counsellor and yet very very difficult to follow that part once you yourself are a part of the violence.

Let me go back to why i started that research itself. We have swadhar shelter home about which i have already written in my earlier writings and one of our best, intelligent, sensitive counselors got married during that time. We all wrote a diary for her.. i do not know if she has it, but i had made a copy of what everyone wrote for her.. I thought we would keep it as a part of our office legacy how we had brought in a fresher from college with dreams in her eyes and who , with her love, dedication and compassion had left everyone with tears the day she left. We all had wished her a life of love, care and laughter.

She was an only daughter.  In india that means your father will marry you with all the pomp and splendor even though that mean selling his entire life to loans and interest. And she was married off in one of the best hotels in town, and to an OAS Cadre engineer nonetheless. This guy showed his colours on the wedding day itself..couldn't even wait till his barat was back at his home.Well, to cut the long story short, he wanted dowry and had expected a bigger car, better gifts and a blank cheque. Her abuse went on, mostly emotionally with tirades of insults and innuendos. That he got her pregnant during that time is just besides the point. 

Now , whenever i read that notebook, i feel like a culprit of why our society has place for so much violence and why a lovely girl like her, loved by all, had to go through such a painful period in her life and that we, the social activists couldn't even save our own little kid from this. She went back to her maternal home, within one month of marriage and her son was born just eight and a half months later.  Last heard, the guy was looking for a suitable match and his matrimonial id read something like "innocent divorcee seeks fair, beautiful bride preferably from upper or upper middle class." They still haven't been formally divorced, but the guy's eligible bachelor yet again. Will the woman ever be eligible again?

The other story is of a girl we rescued from her in laws. She had already attempted suicide a few times because the guy she married accused her of being an infidel. To clear the things, she had slept with the guy before her marriage. Does it strike you that only the girl was guilty and Character-"less". I am sure it did.The girl could not go back to her home as her family did not even want to see her face.

The last story i want to tell you is about this cousin of mine. He is an alcoholic ,sleeps around and then comes back home and beats up my Bhabi in his rage.He denies her everything, including money, her freedom and even sex. He wakes up the next morning and cajoles her with his sweet nothings to keep quiet. And this woman, my bhabi , does. I have tried to file cases against my cousin for a long time but she never allows me to, saying she loves her husband, and one day she'll be able to change him. Hopefully it is sooner because it's already 8 years.

Another thing that rankles me is that even my brothers and closest male friends talk to their wives, girlfriends as if all feelings are only in their hearts and a woman is a heartless monster.And the high pitches and abusive language, mostly sugar coated, puts me off totally.

I am sure you all have heard of the The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act-2005. So i will not get into those details. Just this that abuse is not only when it's physical  but also emotional and denial of basic rights and respect of a woman. And that it does not have to happen over a period of time, even one instance of such abuse is enough. The NFHS-3 data says: "Overall, one-third of women age 15-49 have experienced physical violence and about 1 in 10 have experienced sexual violence. In total, 35 percent have experienced physical or sexual violence". And leading the states is Bihar. These statistics are wrong as usual. Keeping in mind the definition of abuse itself, every woman has faced it in her life. Let's face it. how many women actually take the courage to say that they have been abused and how many would  we let  share that they have been? I remember the time before my wedding. My mother was very specific about a few things, to try and adjust with my husband and his family, not fight and never come back home and shame my parents. You see, i come with a record of being a firebrand and my mother was scared that i would come back and not be tolerant. Haven't done it yet, but don't know about the future, The reason i am writing this here is that even an activist is a woman and a woman, once married, has no rights, and if she has, they are all secondary to her husband's.

It got me thinking about some very basic premises..1. The abuser does not become so overnight. 2, The abuser very rarely sees himself as one. 3. He thinks he's doing the woman good, by being a man..that is shouting, screaming and then finally beating.  4. Most of the time they come from violent families and have not learnt to respect women , 5. The abusers to not belong to any specific class, region, religion or creed .6. Such violence cannot  and will not happen if there are supportive and understanding families on both the sides. and 7. It takes a long long time for the abused to accept that she is a victim and when she does, she's left with a bruises on her body and scars in her heart

How does this chain beak? How do we stop this abuse? I am looking for answers and as usual i think, the police, the acts, they are not the answer if they're just post violence. If those Acts, the police, help desks, etc function as 'prevention of crime' centres, in helping build strong and secure environment, only then we can say we have achieved our goal.

It also means bringing up children in a house, a family, a society that teaches her/him respect for women and relationships and understanding that denying the existence of patriarchy as an evil will not give equality to women and least of all make the problem go away. Because , even today, the most modern, suave, intelligent of men carry with them the pride that they are men, and that they know everything and better than anyone,  let alone the traditionalists and conservatives . It also means teaching your daughter to understand when the thin line has been crossed of small love-fights to abuse and when she has started the life of fear, hatred and blackmail, and then say no to it. It also means letting her know the family is with her and not burden her with the never-ending "reputation" and a "woman's fate and duty" stories. Which reminds me of the Rahul-Dimpy story and the Shiney Ahuja Case. Even though it's plain as day to see, what happened was really really wrong,  people are happy telling "i-told-you-so"  and passing crude comments and judgment, when the wives in question have gone to the hell again.