Transition...

 i am at a strange crossroad of my past, my present and a future where suddenly every one of them is different from the other..

recently i came to know that one of my closest friends lost her father...and she did not tell me..the reason she told me-she did not want to shock me in between my happy times..

and am thinking...am i really happy? are these really happy times?and is any happiness more than a friend's or a close one's grief..?

no, because i feel the same grief..maybe a little bit more that she could not tell me when she was craving to..and i wasn't there when she needed me the most..to talk..to hold her..

in the last few days i also came across many situations that  rather than make me happy have irritated me and made me sad..

i have lived by my impulses always..have been reproached, reprimanded by many at many times..but i haven't left being impulsive because i like being that way..i am good at mathematics, but i can not make calculations while living my life..and that is one of the things in my life i do not want to ever change..it is my choice..and the truth is i am very self obsessed..i really do not care much about 'enlightened , 'know it all' and great " people..again my choice..because there's not much i can do about their thoughts..i just do not endorse their thoughts and to everyone their own..nor do i need calculations to go up in the ladder of my career..or my life..

love being directionless..and undefined..how boring if i could be put into a type..forgot what it was called..but believe me i actually got typecast..and had to go through an analysis by various persons who went on debating on all sides of why that "type" was right..and wrong..as they couldn't reach a consensus, i didn't think i was any type..

some people came crashing down from their altar..some i had heard so much about..some people who i thought gave the impetus for workers like us..but to realise that was just an image..and it made me think what a mirage we live in..my need to find idols to look up to only resulted in creating ones without substance..and now i am again in between ..in transition..in confusion..in my need for answers..and a whole new set of questions...one day i was gushing that i would be meeting one of the greatest peoples in india..the other day, i was left feeling empty..having met the 'names"..no person..or maybe..i am too self obsessed..who cares? that i am..can't and don't want to look beyond my nose and what makes me happy..

another thing that strikes me very often these days..i am not a very private kind of person...i can  talk about anything, to anyone at anytime..that puts me in a fix many times..but i still keep doing it...and somehow my caring about those only makes me cringe and not very happy..so..what the heck..i'll do what i want to do..like i started talking  about Reproductive and Child Health as a worker when i was 18..talked about condoms in public forums just about that time..about pre-marital sex and moral sanctions , homosexuality too..i did the "Maya Story" as a trainer at 21..and believe me..no one, specially the oldies,even  looked me in the eye after that..they were that shocked...and i can hold hands in public, give away hugs to my close ones to a dozen, and smile at everyone who cares to give me a friendly look..but again..if anyone has issues they can very well find their solutions..not hear what i say..not accept what i think, not believe in my value system..and not read what i write..it is my personal space...my decision to write what i want..i am no torchbearer of bloggers..or of society...my thoughts..my choice to make it public...and the choice of  "public", including everyone to decide if and what  they want to say in it..but yes..wouldn't really probe on anyone's private space..that includes yours too..

meanwhile i have given up on all gods...in the last five years i had made myself a student of every religion  i came across and faithfully read all their scriptures and religious books i could lay my hands on, following every ritual i could that those books prescribed..following every stupidity...last two years i had stopped going to any religious place of worship as a place of worship..living a life without god and filled with every kind of puja and ritual and fast and trying to feel what one is supposed to feel ..my search for god finally brought me into an empty space..and i feel empty like the emptiness of those rituals which brought no happiness, no peace,  no bhakti..and definitely no god for having done them...

coincidentally,in those past few days, i have come across some really stupid people and very hurtful sentences..and my obsession with myself and my knack of relating every action , every word to my own are resulting in sleepless nights and short naps that are filled with dreams of transition, travel-by bus, by train, by fighter planes,  killings and suffocation...a dream interpreter is highly in order...

shouldn't i be happy? but i am not..

the only respite i find is in my work and my work has become my vacation..i feel myself pondering about my work...i know my work can live without me..there are many who'd fill my shoes as soon as i leave..but can i? can i leave my work, my need to be with my people, and still be happy? i don't think so..don't feel so..i was in mumbai for a week...trying to get used to the feeling of living there..and great though that was, building our home..i couldn't feel at home..it was like a transit house...somewhere i can go for a few days..but it never will be my home..at least not now..

add to that the comedy that has happenned in the last few days..juggling people's and places..and actions and rituals...trying to accommodate everyone's whim...for the great indian comedy show called "wedding ceremony", which makes me crave for once, that i wasn't in india bound by rituals and beliefs that do not bind me as an individual..now,like it or not ,  i find myself doing them..a first for me..but for whom? who will be happy? i certainly am not..my husband has a phobia of  too may people and him being the center of attention....Add to it..i find myself in middle of "your" side and "our" side..now  my  confusion is  whose side am i on? now i know what they mean by "dhobi ka kutta"... because i am detaching myself from my roots..and the new soil is still not mine..