Goodbye!!!

You ask me with your eyes to forgive you
You are forgiven , unconditionally

You ask me not to turn away when we meet
i promise you'll see my best smile, if we ever did meet

You ask me not to ever hate you,
i wish i could,
if that's what you think me capable of.

If it is any solace to you,
i look for you on the roads i take,
i think of you every step i take.
i feel you in every moment that passes
you are the smile on my lips and the tears on my lashes

You beg with those words not spoken
to understand
But my love,
i have understood
more than i ever should

I will cry my thousand tears
My heart will bleed with the pain of my own love
But for you my love
they will be the tears of the phoenix .
To heal your pain and smooth the scars.

You want to see me in eternal smiles
i promise that is what you'll see
You want me to forget all the pain
Yes my love, that shall be.

The Indian Justice!!!

You guys deserve it.

A standing ovation.

And we give it you with all our heart, a standing ovation from the entire nation, with its broken heart and shaken trust .

And we are also proud of the justice you meted out to the nation. You spend Rs. 105,600 this year on national defence, nearly 14.1 per cent of total central government expenditure on "National Defence" undermining the importance of Health, Education, Services and Infrastructure and terrorists still attack the poshest and most "High Security" areas of the country and kill people randomly . I am sure they could any day bomb the India Gate and you could still be sleeping. And one day you just might reach for that office of yours, the "beautifully designed piece of architecture " by Lutyens and find that it's been wiped off the face of the earth and still only manage to dish out lines that are sourly boring and as interesting as eating toilet paper. I can hardly stop laughing when you guys , in your crisp white kurtas and Nehru jackets blabber the same lines like parrots, the ones that go "we condemn the attacks, the guilty will not be spared, we stand united, we share the grief, it's the nations shared grief". Oh! You also think that the resignation of your "Home Minister" is the greatest condonance and will set right all the wrongs and failures and wipe out the pain felt by the friends and relatives and shared by everyone but you.

Who are the guilty my dear ministers? Who will you catch hold of? Who will finally be tried in your courts of justice and who will be the judge?

By the way, as Visa, my younger brother, suggested, why don't you teach those courageous journalists how to shoot with your imported, high perfomance guns? They are doing a great job of shooting and with perfect aim at that with their cameras. And not withstanding the fact that they were there at all those sites, beaming videos of the attacks across the world much earlier than the National Security Personnel, who for all we know, realised the emergency through those news channels and reached the site after 8 hours.

And of course the million dollar question that everyone's asking and has created a chain of smses going around..Where is Raj? Would the nation love to see his "marathi" face now!!!

We are waiting for your justice , pardon the inverted commas , "Milord".

Prelude to Procrastination.

Things that need to be spoken about/ written about later..And then, maybe not.

1. When i met a friend last week in Delhi, he said, "So, you guys have been murdering Christians? How did you guys become an intolerant lot?" Perspectives can be so different. Everyone saw the volcano erupt, some felt the turbulence beneath and the people who were in midst of things are still burning beneath the surface, like they have been for the last 60 years..

2. Where is that elusive God? does s/he really exist? I'm tired of looking for solutions and i don't know when i'll leave it all to go into my Atlantis..I'm overworked but still haven't given up that dope called hope..But something tells me, it will be time soon.. Time for what , i do not know. And no, this isn't rant.

3. Does coming into Social Work ( Developmental Work is what i call it but just to keep up that facade) mean that you are unprofessional? Does it give everyone a right to question your integrity and hold you guilty for felonies you had no hand in? Does it mean you can be underpaid, in fact lesser than daily wages, give yourself to your work 24X 7 just because you decided this was the profession you would undertake? Do people actually believe that everyone who starts working in this sector has to be a volunteer?

4. When will the time come when the modern day gods (the planners, implementers,executors -Government in short) realise that relief work forever for people will not make them developed. Beggary is not a way to philanthropy. When will they realise that Rs 2/ - rice for BPL families is not filling their stomachs and giving them better lives, it's only making them lazy, unproductive and in the end , poorer than they already were..

5. How many times have you looked at an able bodied beggar and given alms to her/him? Has it ever made you feel good about it? No? ask yourself why..

6. How long will we keep accepting corruption as a part of our lives, everywhere we go..More on that , later..

7. One of my Dad's friends, who incedentally has also gone on to become one of my best friends asked me why i was not getting married soon. He said , the attractive, independent, intelligent woman that i was there should be a zillion crazy-about-me guys chasing me.. i told him, they do, but i'm still to meet a guy who i want to chase..He said , " That means you want to do a "chasing-each-other-around-the-trees " number? " Had never thought about it that way, but it does explain , in a wierd kinda way what i want my relationship to be.. On equal levels, going through the same rough and smooth patches, with similar perspectives and so crazy about each other that we do end up chasing each other..Just hope that we finally get into each other's arms at some point of time.. i tend to get easily tired..

later then..when i get into the details..Work beckons..Whatever that will be today...

Unspoken..

A life forgotton
another remembered
of silence and words
Unspoken ,unuttered
of looks shaded
of touches personal
of moments stolen
from time that was never ours

The pain is eternal
But so is the love.

The Lull...

A storm has been brewing up inside me.

I just do not know where to find the vent and how. Last night a friend called to say that i have been very out of touch.. I probably have been. No. No probably(s) " about it. I have been. Full stop.

It isn't because i have been quiet. On the contrary, life's become more hectic if that was possible.

There is so much to write about. Next few days i am going to take out time and right about those things i have been meaning to.

Apologies to all mailers i haven't replied. Apologies to the unanswered text messages and calls.

It shall suffice to say, have been really caught up and not in the right frame of mind when i did have the time.

See you all around.

Hugs

I have noone to blame...

Life teaches you a lesson. You miss it. You forget it. You ignore it.

And then ? You commit the same mistake twice. And this time around, there's no one to blame except one person- Yourself.

Delhi Soliloquies

You know what? It's like falling in love. When you've been to a place a zillion times and you still find it new on every visit. When you're still awed by its sheer magnetism. When there's a secret hidden in it's gallis and aromas and you take it in , wanting to savour it forever. When you hate a thousand things about it and still accept it as a part of your being .Yes . It is like love. I think i fell in love with Delhi. Again.

What is it that you expect from the national capital? A little bit of India in it? A little bit of the old world charm? A frenzy of the futuristic skyscrapers and fast cars? A little bit of warmth? A little dose of charm? A little dash of irrationality? A cold shoulder? A dab of mysticism?

Yes, That's Delhi.

What do i want to tell you? That the first thing that hit me as i came out of the airport was the hot wind that was blowing off my dupatta and tugging at one end of my dupatta was a girl barely eight , hair sun bleached to different shades of blonde plaited in a faded ribbon , muddied face and the blistered palm outstretched , begging with that maddening soul-wrenching innocent pitiful look in her eyes. I looked up and found dozen or so such children , almost similar , scampering in the taxi stand outside the airport . And i felt something knot inside. This was our capital where policies for children get made. This was our capital where sits the parliament and screams in loud voices to eliminate child labour from the country and provide basic health and education to every child 5 to 14 years of age. And this wasn’t the only place i found them . If you go to Delhi this is as permanent as the Qutub Minar. When i talked of them , my friends in Delhi just shrugged. They have come to accept it just like they have accepted the Minar.

Muchun and Asad, my knights in shining armour and Honda City and Toyota Zen {just don't ask me about it!!!;) } in Delhi, decide to give us a detour and we go to Delhi through Gurgaon from the Airport.

Once you hit the road what hits you is the construction of "The Metro" and traffic jams at every other junction. But yes, it isn't as bad as Kolkata, nor is it chaotic like Mumbai and Pune.

And Gurgaon is an antithesis. The Gaon that it once was has been replaced by a string of malls that seems unending and endorsements and ads scream from hoardings as big as a gully cricket ground. What were the scattered villages and farms have been taken over by skyscrapers and neon lights, which could be a part of any big city in the world. I frankly lost count of the malls we crossed.

Do i really want to tell you about the call of the malls in Delhi? During my stay at Delhi i went to scores of malls and believe me i can't tell one from the other. From MGF Metropolitan, Central , SAHARA and bleh bleh at Gurgaon to the Great Indian Mall and some other bleh bleh in Noida to those PVR complexes in Priya, Saket and don't remember where. I do remember City Walk Select Mall at Saket though. Only because we went there a dozen of times as we were staying nearby and one evening we managed to get drenched in the jet sprinklers . I swear i was the oldest of all . Linu, my cousin who was my travelmate from the word go, was the one who initiated the plan. Afterwards, my jeans and tee stuck to me like second skin and we sat shivering. The summer clouds threatened above but boy , was it fun!! The nice part about this mall is that it has loads of space and open air. Also "The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf" serves a mean cup of coffee and Smoked Vegetable Sandwich. And yes, it has “Crosswords” . All this apart, i have had my share of malls for a lifetime and it would be a matter of life and death to make me want to get into one of those.

There are a few days i will remember forever from my trip. And Asad has loads to do with it. He showed me the Delhi i therwise would never have seen. I think if you've a friend for a guide who has grown up in the city and knows it as well as he knows himself, it's an advantage nothing can beat . And the way he always took care of me, i know no amount of thank-yous is going to measure up to all of it . We did fight like animals at times but that's more me than him. He's chivarlry personified. Guess what? The guy opened the door of the car for any women around too!! Linu will vouch for it !!

The visit to Qutub Shah's and Nizammuddin's Durgah was an experience which i won't easily forget. Mostly because i'm drawn to people and people are drawn by faith. The Kawwals with kohled eyes, the women praying through the marble screens tying colourful threads in "mannat" , the maulwi who says the "Dua" and screams obscenities at the little beggar children in the same breath. The smell of "Atr", incense sticks and roses. I can still feel the Goosebumps when i remember the rendering of Kawwallis in the background and the soulful recital by the beggars in the narrow gulli that takes you into the Durgah. Asad said it brings bad luck to visit one durgah and not visit the other or so they believe. I went to both so that should do me some good.

Or do i tell you about the old walled city which is a different world altogether. The fluttering of pigeons with the Azaan at Jama Masjid, The colours of sarees and intricate lehengas and mouth-watering mithaais at Chandni Chowk, The smells of Parantha in Parantha Gali and delicious Kababs at Karim's in Gali Kababiana. Do i tell you that this is the Dilli i love the most. It’s not the metro Delhi at all and you get lost in the beautiful colours, the narrow gallis, and the lovely smells of food being cooked and served on the streets, the music bellowing from speakers in every second shop. The burkha clad women, the demure little girls, the pan spitting men, the colourful rickshaws, just looking at them is a different feeling altogether. Ah..Rickshaws. The car parking is a mile away from Jama Masjid and you have to take rickshaws to reach the Masjid. Of course , you can walk too. But i simply had to sit on a rickshaw. I didn’t even remember what it felt like.

Believe it or not, it's a mela at the India Gate at night. I'm not sure if it's every night or only on that Sunday we went but the place was bustling with thousands and thousands of people , laughing, singing, playing, strolling, eating and of course littering the place. And it was later than 12 in the morning when we were there. It was crazy. And it was full moon too. Khirod Sir said it's like that every weekend and as we devoured one ice cream after another and strolling finally reached the India Gate, the picnic just seemed to have begun.

And India Gate: She is magnificent. She stands in testimony for the pride of being Indian and every time you look at her she sends your blood rushing through your veins like fire and a feeling akin to patriotism. As i write i can feel the goosebumps start all over.

The Rastrapati Bhawan and Lal Quila look beautiful by the night too. It's either the lighting or maybe i'm just a hopeless romantic.

Another monument that’s breathtaking after the sun has set is the Qutub Minar. Lit softly from below by the artificial lights and the zillion stars from above, the soft wind blowing through it’s corridors and singing some old forgotten tune, you can set lost in her for hours and not realize how time has flown.

And Delhi is a foodie Delh-ite.

Be it the street food or restaurants, the tastes are mind-boggling and the variety just amazing. The Pani puris with Pudine ki Chutney, The Dahi Bhalla, The Papri Chat, the famous Alu ki tikki fried in pure desi ghee, and the amazing assortment of paranthas and chutneys to accompany. Oh yes. the pickled chilies. You find these in every market and corner worth its name. I already wrote about Karim’s and everyone who’s a foodie swears by its seekh kababs. There’s this joint called “Kasbah” at GK and the tandoor is one of the best in the entire region. And once you are in GK don’t forget to check out the “Bread and More” . It’s cakes and pastries are a visual delight and let me not start with what it does to your taste buds. There’s this place called Qureshi’s just behind the South-Ex Market that serves food on the street. A must visit for any foodie. If you are a vegetarian, I would recommend “the Taste of India” chain but only if there were lesser flies and they did something with the ventilation. The Haldiram’s isn’t half bad either. If you have the craving for hot just cooked biriyani at the middle of the night, the place to go is ‘Comesum” near Nizammuddin Station. Believe it or not, it’s open throughout the night and the crowd starts pouring in when the clock strikes the midnight hour. "Eatopia" in the India habitat Centre is another place where you get an assortment of food. Just make sure you avoid the weekend rush or else you won’t find a place to sit. And IHC is a treat for a person like me. Wonderful exhibitions of paintings and photographs, plays, experimental art by amateurs and professionals. I could go there every day and still not get bored by it. If you love south Indian food “Sagar Ratna” is the place to go. There’s this place called “Evergreen” in Green Park that’s supposed to serve lovely food but i wouldn’t know as we got kicked out for reaching late for lunch. And it was only three in the afternoon. We ended up eating those stupid French fries and sandwiches and burgers at McD’s and i was in a bad mood throughout the day. Asad swears by the Chinese in Taj and Mishti hates it and i have no taste for anything Chinese, so i am no judge on that either. But Muchun, my permanently hungry chaperone did carry those “Yo China” boxes every time he had one of his hunger pangs. And that guy. Has he got an appetite! I wouldn’t bet on it if i weren’t sure he could digest anything eatable within seconds and manage to feel hungry again. Oh! Before i forget. All Italian food lovers, “Big Chill” in Khan Market is the place to be. I loved it more because it had the big posters of all those long forgotten classics, from Casablanca to My Fair Lady and Humphrey Bogart looking down at you from every other poster. And that they give you a choice of pasta, sauce and bread to choose from and the heavenly smells that come from the kitchen is just beside the point. Hyatt was a fiasco as are most big restaurants. They are more about ambience, service and subdued voices than the food itself. So, i’d give it a miss. And before this turns into a food guide, I’ll stop. I can already feel my stomach rumbling. God knows how i managed to lose weight after eating so much!! On one of our eating trips, when i finally said no to ice-cream at the end of a big brunch, my host said, “ My dear, remember. All good things in life are either illegal, immoral or fattening”. Ouch!

I will remember the times i spent with the little kid, my nephew, all of six months old and he was a treat. Do i miss him!! And my bhaiya and bhabhi just celebrated their fourth wedding anniversary and still behave like love-struck teenagers. They made me wish for a married life. Asad's family gave me such a warm feeling of being back at home. Another couple that gave me that mushy feeling was Ajit Bhai and Namita Di. And their son, Aryan's a treat. The kid, all of four years is a car buff and loves bungee jumping and oregami. What age do we live in!!!

And i will remember the movie i watched which was meant to be a punishment for me - Khuda Ke Liye. It was meant to be a payback because i made our gang go through the ordeal of watching a crap called “U Me Aur Hum”. But what a payback it turned out to be. Definitely ranks as one of the best movies in recent times, beautifully portraying religion, rise in extremism, 9/11, love, sacrifice, repentance, and confusion in youth, intrinsically woven together with strings of music. The music is so beautiful i bought the music and gifted it to everyone around who had an ear for it. I loved the movie even more because Asad was there and he had given me a great background on modern Muslim families and the confusion and contradiction within. He also called the Muslim men a certain profanity of the sister kind which can’t be quoted here and it was hilarious at points when he gave comparisons of the movie with himself. Incidentally the profanities of the mother and sister kind are not profanities at all for Delhites. They are more a part of speech, mostly used as a pronoun and adjective, but sometimes can take forms of noun and adverb too. The Eff word is an accessory like those D&G glasses or CD perfume, to be used as frequently as possible. They asked me to get used to it, but i’m not sure if i ever will.

And in the meanwhile here’s a list of books i managed to read up on. Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri, 366 teachings of Islam, The Quran, The Naxalism Movement in India, Talent IQ, Globalisation and its effect on India, The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khalled Housseini, The Zigzag Way by Anita Desai, Buddha and his Teachings, Conversations with God- Part 1 to 3, The Speaking Tree, Volume 1, A Good Earth by Eckhart Tolle. And i finally got my own copy of "The Undercover Economist".

There are some things that didn’t go as i had thought. Like the trip to Hrisikesh, Haridwar, Kasauli and Vaishno Devi . And that can wait till my next trip. And a BIG tip. Do not ever go to Delhi on a pleasure trip in summer unless of course you have a thing for an open air-scalding sauna, which is what Delhi turns into March through July. Do not get your clothes stitched by a “Masterjee” in any high-end boutique unless he's your regular one . The chances are there will be a hole in your pocket and safety pins keeping your dress in place. Do carry a garbage bag with you always. It's almost impossible to find one anywhere in Delhi. Do not take your car out, if it has rained even for 15 minutes. You are bound to get stuck in a traffic and chaos. Do not walk aroung with a locked knee and sprained ankle, and definitely not in four inch heels, you'll just end up falling at all the wrong places. Do not go to a mall with any kind of plastic card that has dough in it. You’ll end up buying things you never needed in the first place, you’ll end up paying a hefty fine to the airlines and when you finally take out those pair of Levi’s I’m sure you wouldn’t want to know how much you ended up paying for it. And to think it looks so tattered and torn your mom’s in two minds if she should use it as a swab.

There was one thing i missed in the entire trip. My Camera. Next time.

I am back at Keonjhar after more than a month and strangely when i think of Delhi now the first thing i remember is the last look i had of the city from my flight. all lighted up like diwali celebration, the blinking lights and zillions of stars crawling an a snail’s pace in straight lines..

They say “Dilli dilwalon ki hai” ..i don’t know that. But i sure miss it. Thank you M, A , B &B , KS, M , Ab, ND, Aryan and Puchul and everyone who made it so beautiful for me.

And to all my friends , sorry for not replying and updating you sooner. But now you know.

Springs of life!!!

Sometimes, patience just runs out..sometimes your zeal is at an all time low..sometimes nothing seems worthwhile..sometimes, all you want is a break..

And i'm taking one..And all i plan to do is to read and catch up on all i have missed out on, walk aimlessly, take in whatever comes my way , talk to friends who have been angry and blocked out because i never managed to answer their calls or call them back, write those articles i have been wanting to..get familiar with my camera which has been screaming for my attention...look for that person inside who has been putting up so many acts of being a good "everything" ... just be a sponge...And on the way may be find who the real me is..find out what i really want from life..

I thought it would be difficult..leaving my parents, my work, my safe zone..but as the time nears, it all seems so easy..I have made all arrangements..i've been the cushion for the last 4 months, breaking the falls and holding hands when going has been tough at office and sometimes at home..But in the end..it's been easy..

I'll miss a few people..And believe me, i'll finally have some time to miss them properly..to think about the smiles and laughter, the mock anger and real ones..the hugs and the hi-fives..the small things in life that make it big..

This is a journey i have to take..a journey which begins with no expectations..a journey that is aimless..a journey whose purpose i do not know..I have nowhere to go..I'll just follow my instincts..And i know there will a direction and a road at the end of it and it will be a beginning of a new one..

I know this makes no sense. But that's life..most of the time it doesn't make any sense...

A Reason to celebrate..Finally!!!

Railways started in India in 1853.. And we get a train for Keonjhar in 2008..finally..

I am a big fan of Lalu, our Rail Minister . No, not because he ate all the "chara", but simply for the entertainer that he is. Kudos that you've brought railways from the brink of privatisation to the most profit making govenment enterprise.

Another reason to celebrate that our CM, Mr Naveen Patnaik has somehow woken up to the plight of NH 215 and has decided to write to the NHAI. For newcomers that's the road that links my district with the outside world and been a killer of hundreds of people just in the last six years. The wells..err..potholes on them don't even need a mention.More than 15,000 trucks loaded with iron ore on them everyday generating the maximum revenue for the state and the nation but who knows where that revenue gets sucked.The only link to the lives of 16 odd lakhs people who live in this tribal district , people have to get stuck in traffic jams for sometimes two days. Can you visualise the condition of the patients who have to come from those interior areas? You would.

The V Day , the whos and the cries...

It's Valentine's Day. You ask what's the big deal. I ask the same.

What's so big about it that the saffron brigrade goes lengths to make sure all rose shops are closed and all shops selling cards and gifts are vandalised and gives a damn that not all road side vendors are Bill Gates and not all shopkeepers have an insurance.Atleast not one that covers all its losses. They burn and picket whatever they can and in the meanwhile also manage to annihilate, damage and deface a lot of public property which if they looked closer with their "far" sightedness is the people's money.

And all in the name of saving our culture. So who appointed you as the saviour of our culture? And what i pray is Indian culture to you? Is it Godhra or is it Bilkis Bano? Is it Babri Masjid or is it Raj "Thug're"? So Marathis are not Indians and yours truely just landed from Mars. Mumbai still remains my favorite city in India and i can't imagine my Marathi friends shooing me away with a stick and a broom on my next visit to Mumbai. Oh sorry that was a spear wasn't it?

The things we do in the name of culture. The things we say as being Indians.Why are we becoming such an intolerant lot? Do we really have nothing better to do? At a time when we still have poverty, at a time when people still don't get two square meals a day do we really need all the hue and cry from the "who" and "sly"? Why can't we see through the politics of the political ambitions of one man? I seriously have nothing againt Raj Thakre, the bigger Thakre or the biggest Thakre. Morons being morons will be morons.. But what's with our people? The Indians that make India? Are we so foolish? Or has our sense of humour increased so much that we humour people like these? I have nothing against BJP or agaist Shiv Sena or RSS or VHP or any other Sena. We do have our own Kalinga Sena , locally born saviour of India and specifically Orissa and as Indian and Oriya as Ricky Ponting. But i do have a thing or two against my co-patriots who think this will save India. I do have a thing to say to the people who think being Indian means killing people, burning trains, instigating people in the name of region, religion and if nothing better they'll sure invent something sillier and stupider to fight about.

I still am an eternal optimist but pardon me for saying this, with as myopic a view as one we are going ahead with we just might hit a big big wall ahead and then there would be no going ahead.

We already have loads to be ashamed of. Let's not add regionalism, communalism, shamelessness and intolerance to the list.

Thank You Baba...

Baba said, "Those who do monumental work don't need monuments."

And he lived and died like a monument himself. Indeed no monument can ever match what he did. His actions , his thoughts and his vision surpassed all a person could dream of. Thank You Baba..For being what you were..Thank you for showing the way where others saw none..Thank you for leading when there were no leaders to follow..Thank you for being an example when all idols were shattered and there was no one to look up to. Thank you for standing for your convictions and giving one the courage to go after the things s/he believed in.

You'll be remembered always..and live in the hearts of people you touched in your special way..

"He came to be known as Baba not because he is a saint or any such thing, but because his parents addressed him by that name," - Sadhanatai Amte (Baba's wife)

BABA's words that still make me proud of ourselves....

"I haven't the arrogance to say I can carry the mighty load of His Cross, but I do try to walk in its shadow. He wants to carve your life like a crucifix. Every calamity is a crucifixion, crucifying your ambition, your lust. Each is a tiny lesson, and then the imprint of the crucifixion is on your life. What is your plan of sacrifice today? You and I, petty souls, sacrifice for our children. Christ sacrificed for tomorrow's whole world. Whenever I see slum-dwellers, with their hunger and poverty, that obscene poverty, I feel He is crucified like that. When I come across a person suffering from leprosy, foul smelling, ulcerous, I can see the imprint of His lips, His kiss. What did they not do to sufferers of leprosy in His time, yet the carpenter's son cared for them and touched them. That hand is an emblem for me, that hand which cared for the loneliest and the lost. The Christian is ... he who not only lights the darkest corner in the world but also the darkest corner in his own heart.

"Charity Destroys; Work Builds." "I believe as a society we have to evolve, through experimentation, a system which combines the principles of individual freedom and common ownership. And this is what we have tried, basically with success, in all our projects, involving leprosy patients, tribal people and the so-called 'disabled' persons.""Consider the honey-bee. Its treasure is nectar, obtained even from the chilly plant. It is not at the cost of the flower. In fact, its act of extracting honey contributes to the progress of the flowers. You need not learn from Kahlil Gibran, Marx or Gorbachev, not even from Gandhi-ji. Choose instead to learn your lesson from the honey bees as your silent partners: they will show you how to develop without destroying.

"I have never been frightened of anything. Because I fought British tommies to save the honor of an Indian lady, Gandhiji called me 'abhay sadhak', a fearless seeker of truth. When the sweepers of Warora challenged me to clean gutters, I did so. But that same person who fought goondas and British bandits quivered in fright when he saw the living corpse of TuIshiram, no fingers, no clothes, with maggots all over. That is why I took up leprosy work. Not to help anyone, but to overcome that fear in my life. That it worked out good for others was a by-product. But the fact is I did it to overcome fear.

"Joy is more infectious than leprosy."

"Our governance is by a gerontocracy. This cataract of history can only be removed by youth. In this common man's century, only the common man can change the profile of this country." .."The war-cry will no more be with Marx and Mao: the spirit of revenge cannot build a new world ... Only a revolution which leads to a higher sense of human dignity can lead to a higher and nobler way of life. Revolutions based on hatred and violence does not really change the situation. They merely transform the people who had been exploited into a new class of exploiters but hatred and exploitation remain. Therefore, there is no substitute for Gandhi's way of rousing the impoverished masses to creative awareness."

"To me, the common man's society is a mask-less society. He does not carry that thick mask which the professional people, the upper classes, whereas they might look nice and beautiful. Very often they do not dare to say what they really think and feel."

On Spirituality"I'm so busy, I have no time to pray! The Lord is kind!" "Wherever God has pointed the way with his finger, he also cleared the way with His mighty palm."

And there was so much much more..

The Seventh Season!!!

You dial the digits which you say is the sequence of numbers you remember better than your ATM password and give a call to me after five years. Why, i have no idea and neither do you.

You say i still love you. You say it's more than ever. And i confess, i do not know. The love that was is a moment frozen in time. I admit i outdid myself in loving you and swore it would be eternity before it died.

I do not know if it died. Or just went to sleep. I say i have changed. You say i'm still the same. I do not know which is worse.

I had moved from one time to the other, from one relationship to another before we met, in search for that "love" which i thought would never find. I haven't found it since either. You say i don't want to find it. You should know. Weren't we called a phenomenon? Wasn't there a time when words were such stupid unnecessities in communication? Wasn't a look enough to know what the other as thinking?Wasn't there a time when it was always "we" and never an "i"? You say i should move on. I say i have and you don't believe me. I am bored really. Nothing, no one to be precise, manages to hold my attention for more than a few days. Sometimes there's a sudden promise of depth and i try my best to make it work but it always turns out shallow. Is it their failing or is it mine? Now that i look at it, i realise i never try to keep my side of the bargain. I just don't connect. You know i'm not unhappy. Far from it. I'm happy and satisfied. I love my work and i don't feel the need to get into a relationship now. You say i still love you...

But what difference does it make? i could have called you too and i would be lying if i said i didn't want to. I did. Oh so much that it ached till i could bear it no longer. Just to hear the sound of your voice, to see the look in your eyes. But i knew it wasn't the thing that could change anything.

You know i hated you once. But it was never enough to wipe the love i felt. I still haven't understood if it was my love i felt or yours i knew. If someone mentioned your name it was a fresh wound in my heart. Oh god, it still is. To see the same eyes, and the same look.To see the reflection of the love i felt and the pain still hidden behind that smile.I could hate you but i don't have the urge anymore. I have tried and failed. We are not together not because i loved you less or you ceased to love me . As if that can ever happen. But because that was a decision you took for your family and that's just another reason i loved you for. I know you'll never read this and if you do it will just be a testimony to what you already know.But when was there a need for one? The similar people that we are nothing needs to be proven to each other.

We pass each other on the street after such a long time and you still look at me as if the five years never happened. You smile and all wrongs are forgiven. And that is my space with you. I know and you do too that the vacuum will never cease and the blank spaces will always remain. And we both know it will never be right again. Not in the sense the world wants it to be.

********

She woke up with a start. She knew it was a dream. She knew he would never call. She knew he was like her.

She knew it was just one of those days.

Happy Birthday!!!

********

Happy Republic Day!!!

It has been raining continuously since three days.The clouds have settled on the roads, houses and streets and it's difficult to see beyond a few metres. The temperatures are hanging between 4 to 7 degrees and as i type my fingers feel like stiff long pencils.

And still as we unfurl the tricolour in the rain and sing our national anthem, it makes me proud being an Indian.

The least we can do on this day is think about all we went through to achieve independence and after three years of meticulous preparations became a sovereign republic on this day.In our race for god knows what we cannot forget that we are what we are because we are Indians. I would never change this for anything. Call me a romantic, call me stupid, but i know deep inside all of us love our country. Every time our country scores a point in any field our hearts swell with pride..We get angry when we see an injuctice being dished out, when we see the dirt, pollution, inequality,injustice,callousness, intolerance but atleast we know in our country we have a right to be angry and that our voice will be heard..There may be a thousand reasons why we-are-not-proud-to-be-an-Indian but million others why we are.

Let us keep our country safe and cherish what we have.

To the best people in the world, to the best country that holds them together..A Happy Republic Day .

We all miss you

After four weeks of a new relationship we had to say our goodbyes. It was great having you here. Virag you taught us a lot about organisational changes happening throughout the world and it was a pleasure to have you here. For those who don't now, Virag , a Hungarian, was an animal rights activist working in an international NGO in London. She came here with her boyfriend Joszef and they travelled a lot of India before coming here. We were introduced sometime in September 2007 and she was looking for an NGO to volunteer for a few weeks.

She chose us. She knows her reasons best but whatever they are, i'm thankful for them. Had she not come, i would not have understood my own need to change the structures at our organisation because it did not seem right. Also she re-affirmed my pride in India and the thing everyone accused me of having :eternal optimism. Joszef helped us put up a concrete plan for fund raising because who ever has ever worked with NGOs knows what a problem that can become. With his degree in psychology from London, he also helped out counsellors wing to brush their skills.

But besides the professional know how, it was their interest in India that had me stumped as well as their inherent pride in their own country: Hungary. They have read all the books i could think of about India, its culture, its history, its society, travelled from Chennei to Kashmir, from Pushkar to Orissa. I'm ashamed to admit but i haven't been to places where they have be . They share every work as equals. Their love for each other, the care and dreams of a future together make you want to fall in love . Joszef's sense of humour, Virag's shyness and permanent smile is etched in our hearts.

We all miss you. Thank You Virag and Jo. This is from all of us here. We had a great month and hope you did too.

And yes, everyone is still digesting that you have finally gone. The food misses you too.

Have a great life.

The roles we play!!!

Sakhshi (not her real name) is 11 years old.

Her father died before she knew what a father meant. Her mother committed suicide when Shakshi was just about 9. The reason: she couldn't take in the accusations by everyone around of being a bad omen and incessantly accused of being the reason her husband died. People wouldn't even look at her because that would bring bad luck for the day . And what's more- she had two daughters and had failed to produce a son.

Orphaned along with her two years older sister, and with no one to look after her, Shakshi was sent to their maternal uncle's house. Both of them worked like domestic helps doing all the cleaning, washing and cooking and of course no love, acceptance, education or payment for all they did.

On a day she fell sick she was taken to a doctor who took pity on the sisters and hired them to work in their houses, one for his family and the other for his in-law's place. Does it need mention that their monthly salary of Rs 200 went to their uncles? I think not.

After a few days of work Shakshi was sexually abused every day by the doctor for 6 months and when she couldn't take it anymore she told about it to the doctor's wife. The doctor's wife beat her up and accused her of lying and threw her out of her house.All the neighbours were also told about what she had done and they finally branded her as being mentally unstable. The kid all of 11 years , walked for miles, with tears running down her cheeks with no-one to turn to and reached the place where her sister was working. She told her what had happened and when her elder sister tried confronting the family, she too was asked to leave the place immediately.

The two sisters were found by a person passing by, under a tree , huddled together and crying . And that is how they came to us, scared, hungry and probably permanently scarred for their lives.

Does this make you angry?

This is not the only story. We have 78 such stories filed neatly in files in our SWADHAR Home, a Shelter Home for women in distress which provides shelter to such women and takes care of the emotional and psychological needs, the medical needs and also initiates legal steps to bring justice to the women wronged. In the meanwhile besides the counselling they are also provided with vocational trainings so that when they go back to the society they have something to fall back on. Throughout last week we were doing the an assessment of all our programmes individually and the organisation as a whole and we tried to analyse our objective as a leading NGO in Orissa. One day was for SWADHAR and we tried assessing its role and our objectives. Was it to provide shelter to women only and the medico-legal and psychological counselling?

Is that the solution that we are seeking? Is that the issue at all?

We started with a rich picture which charted the journey of a woman and believe me it doesn't end at a shelter home. A shelter home can be a temporary arrangement and she can never make this her home. And if she did, i'm not sorry to say that surely will not be healthy, either for the woman or the society. It can only facilitate the process to get justice and try to ease her pain and give her the confidence to face the world and overcome the emotional and sometimes physical battering she has received.

That girl would not have had to face all that she did if she had found some sympathy at any step of her journey- at her own village, at her uncle's place, at the doctor's house , with his wife or at any of the "Mahila and Shishu desks" in every district or any other place which could have stopped what happened to this tiny girl. And better still, her mother would have not committed suicide driven to despair by the callousness of the society.

We see violence against women in so many areas, with so many faces and be it Guwahati or Konark or Mumbai, the cause is much beyond not providing safety to women. When last week we sat down with our counsellors and managers for the annual evaluation and objective analysis the picture was far from what first met the eye.

When we drew a problem tree where on the surface we had a woman on the streets without the family support and tried to reach the roots, which really wasn't easy because one would say it was lack of awareness, education, poverty , physical weakness and the rest but gradually it went down to a society where we still have a deep rooted patriarchy, where women still have to carry a stigma if there is any deviance in their perceived and society designated roles. Call it hypocrisy, call it multiple standards but it is there for you to see.

Men do not wear Indian dhotis and kurtas anymore, at least not on a daily basis but a woman has to confirm to the Salwars and Sarees and if she wears jeans pretend that she likes Salwars and Sarees more. A woman who leaves her husband or the other way is ridiculed and shamed at every suitable occasion. A woman who drives a car/bike depending on which place you live in is sure to attract some incredulous looks.A woman has to adjust and sacrifice if she has a violent husband who beats her up and never talk about it to anyone and turn up smiling and understanding the next morning. God help a woman whose husband dies before she does. You would say that sati is only some stray occurrence in backward areas, but if you look closer you will find her burning in a social pyre every day . Brides are still being burnt for dowry as if she was a burden and had to be paid off.

We have 6 million girl children missing from our population and the female ratio is declining, more so in the high literacy and high growth states with Punjab, Haryana, Gujurat and Maharashtra leading the list. From 976 females per 1000 males in 1961 it has come down to 927 in 2007 and is decreasing at an alarming speed. If you think that wasn't shock enough, think of this: There are presently 24 Districts in India which have a female ratio less than 800 and they are all in so-called developed states. Wasn't education supposed to empower women? So what happened?What is it that going wrong? Does social stigma and patriarchy ring any bells?

If you still don't get the implications think about these : Think about the 6 million guys who won't have a partner. What will they do? Do you think they will turn yogis? Definitely not. They will borrow from the future generation, old men will get married to kids, one woman will have many husbands, the kidnappings and women trafficking will increase and no, women will not have better respect. We just might usher in the purdah system and women might again end up in the confines of homes without education or a share in development process.

When we drew the objective tree, the vision we have set for ourselves was quite clear: We wanted "A society where a woman lives with respect and dignity , has equal opportunities in every sphere, has the freedom and independence to take decisions about herself, is an equal partner in development and democracy". Sounds like a lot doesn't it? But is it too much to ask for? In a country whose basic constitution is based on equality?

As we started finding out structures it became evident that the support systems like police stations, courts, punishment of the guilty, early justice, swift action were relevant but more important were building the base with education, health and economic development of the women and at the same time working on removing the traditional stigma that exists where women are judged based on primitive and traditional roles played by them.

I do not think we can change it in a day. Like any disease it is all right to provide medicines once you fall sick and having the right medicines but what is important is to not fall sick at all. But once we start thinking about the problems and realise that the solutions go much further than providing the curative care and is more about preventing such occurrences and promoting better practices by society i think we can go a long way. We have to start preparing the society for the change that will evidently happen and the roles will surely change.

[Photographs are of the candle lighting done by hundreds of women during celebration of "End Violence against Women" on December 10th'2007 as a part of 16 days activism to stop VAW.More than a thousand candles were lighted by women who came from different walks of life. ]

An open letter to Mr/Ms X

To

Mr / Ms /Madame X, Y and Z

Behind the counters

At the boutique, eateries,cinema halls, the kirana store,and pretty much anywhere behind any counter

Any place in the galaxy

Dear Mr / Ms /Madame X, Y and Z

I'm sure people do give you a hard time every time they visit you. I'm sure you feel like throwing glasses of water and mugs of anything you have in your hand every time you take an order. I'm also very confident you have an urge to strangle the vocal chords of the person who owns the voice which returned the "any"thing made by you, either to be changed, replaced or altered.

But hey, what were you expecting ? You didn't become a manager, tailor, developer, waiter, or any counter owner, waiting every person you cater to to heap accolades on you, did you? Specially when you have actually spoilt something awaited eagerly by the people foolish enough to believe in you? Not that you are bestowing some kind of favour on the people. You also charge exuberant sums to do it on time and people actually schedule visits to accommodate your convenience, They take pains to be nice and cordial, because i doubt they want to end up with burnt cheeks, in more ways than you think. Or a dress tucked with safety pins at your D-day.Make no mistake, you are up-above in the same list as the gods because you create, or destroy us with a click of your fingers.

And because you know it, you just act as if you own the world.

Which probably you do . But do not make mistake sirs: not the dignity of the people. No reason, which includes a bad hair day, a fight with your wife, a mother-in-law at home or PMS, gives you the right to behave haughtily or arrogantly. People go to you to get a work done. No they do not want to build relationships with you unlike what you guys claim. You might put up hoarding saying you value customer relation but i guess the small writing on it says "* conditions apply".

No, i don't want a bleach on my face because i'm allergic to all kinds of chemicals even though you swear it will make me beautiful. No, i don't want extra toppings on my anything or coffee with milk which comes from the machine and carries a price tag of forty rupees only because you are "Pizza Hut" . I did want Paprika though, at least the name of the shop where you got it from. But "Dear Manager" had an attitude but no "right" to go with it. No , i don't want to know what happened to the server but only want our website which should have been done in 15 days but has taken more than 6 months and still is no where near completion. No i don't want to wear the design you made with my khadi just because it is in but only the design i gave you. And i specially want none of it when it comes with dollops of attitude, when you don't take instructions given to you and behave as if it is people's mistake. I might be too mild to show it but just don't take it too far. The next time you might not be too lucky and the next time it might not be a blog.

eetz gold eear!!!!

Nah..no one's got a "gold" ear..It's the freaking cold around this part of the world..My throat's croaking like Vikram Seth's frog, there are two perennial riverlets running down from the viscinity of my nose..Don't know if it's still there because i can't smell anything anymore...It was so sore a few days back from wiping that i've stopped feeling it anymore..also realised i had fever sometime in the past few days but not very sure when..The realisation deemed only when i had one of those fever blisters on my lips..My feet have forgotton what heat was..Even though i try to keep them in thick socks..nothing changes except the number of clothing i put on..My vocal chords have gone for a yuvi brand six and my voice has become permanently husky..I'm also not very sure if i'm ever going to get back my voice.

The north India is freezing as is some people's blood.. The news say it'll be like this till february second week. I can't help but think about the people who live on streets, the kids who have no place to call home except the platforms and footpaths. And the millions of others who don't have a good fire or a proper roof on their heads. Who was that guy screaming about the water heater not working and the AC not heating up properly?

I wish all those people without any shelter have a better year and the warmth of some good people around to help them fight the this biting cold.

I'm feeling cold. From what, i don't know. Brr...why can't i do something ?

I have a good feeling..

I live by my gut feelings and intuitions. And this year i really have a good feeling about it.

Last year started on the wrong foot and the whole year was a follow up on that.

On the political front , it was literally bang bang bang..from Kashmir to Ram Sethu, from Gujjars of Rajasthan and Gujjus of Modi's Gujurat to burning Mizoram and tense Guwahati, from twin blasts in Lucknow and Hyderabad to the Nondigram and Prashant Tamang. The last audible bang was with which went forever one of the most charismatic women leaders of this era. I realised in the game of politics, the game is more important for the powerful, the powerless and the powers that were than running a polity itself. I realised the US can play the big bully till the moment we gather the guts to fight it. That also needs courage and conviction which somehow has become as rare as the white gibbon but soon can become a dodo if we don't start looking for it now.But no one had in their dreams imagined India and somewhat China, the market-led-capitalist communist country , if there was any, go shooting in the international arena, past all speculations and predictions of the "futurists". Didn't the sensex have a bull-run past all expectations?But we still had the stories of poverty and unemployment, but that was totally behind the scenes. Until we realise that our concepts of development need to change, you know where we can all end up.

On the other fronts, i lost that unflinching devotion to the Big B and SLB. There was the break up of Shahid-Kareena which made me sad because they made such a great pair and surprise hits in "Jab We Met" (just to rub in the irony, i guess) and "Chak De" and not-so-surprising flop in Sad-wariya. I realised we have some very good copy cats and the originals are only appreciated after they shun appreciation of all kinds. Also a few had imagined India , the written-off underdogs to be the world-champs in the fast food form of cricket.I still remember my friends' incredulity who had put up a bet where i was the only one scooting for India. The 'Chak De India" factor went beyond cricket for a change and hockey and footfall with sprinkles of tennis, chess,shooting and badminton thrown in, had their fare share at the India's hall of fame.

On the homestead there were blasts of a different kind. My family didn't give me a moment's peace and the only thing on their agenda was to see me married and sent off to that unknown land- lock, stock and god knows how many smoking and fuming barrels..Thankfully, i evaded all those. But just about it.

On the professional front, we overcame a lot of hurdles, some which we had anticipated and some just materialised at the most unlikely of places. We also graduated from the small hut which we were running as a school to our own building.We changed the entire look and feel of the office and shifted our strategy and involvement to more of lobby and advocacy and increased importance on the basic human rights.We started a lot of projects and wound up a few more..Eventful and still going strong.I became much more laid back and a stronger person.

On my personal front, it was mayhem as well. I consciously took a lot of decisions which hurt me initially but on the hindsight, i'm proud to have made them. I cut the threads of a lot of connections which had become umbilical. The severing was painful and yet very necessary for life to go on. I learned a few lessons and revised some more. I realised that my family is very important to me and i can be a lioness with her cubs when it comes to them. I realised i can do my best to make a relationship work and bear the hurt and pain to the point impossible. But once i call it quits there is no looking back. Don't know what kind that makes me but i am not bothered about it as you know, more confident than i already was, more a loner than ever. A lot happier and a shape of the road just visible. And the road was never very important for me , neither is it now. My god played elusive too or maybe it was me. The journey still continues and deep inside, i'm still questioning a lot of things in me and my world..i realised the only constant variable in life is change.

And another year on the calender has changed.

Another thing that has changed is my feeling about it. I really feel good. My instincts tell me this will be a good year. For all of us.

Have a great year ahead..

and once more..Make a difference, be the change and lead by example..The best of everything for everyone.