WIKIPEDIA: Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defendingequal political, economic, and social rights for women.[1][2] In addition, feminism seeks to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. A feminist is "an advocate or supporter of the rights and equality of women".[3]
I have prided myself in being a feminist. Always have. And like the varied definitions of feminism, i have mine. I define feminism as the belief that a woman should assert her right as an individual without any fear. But as evident from this definition i can be a feminist till the donkeys come home without changing, practically, a sand in the whole universe.
Unless the belief, that women should have equal opportunities to men, is changed to actual action- where women start using the opportunities and that is treated with respect, without prejudices, nothing will change. Every feminist will be ridiculed, all action by a woman to be what she deserves and is rightfully hers will be denied. The woman will assert her right at her home, her workplace, family and friends and still feel defeated.
It's the paradox we work in. To make this simpler, a few examples.
You will meet a certain kind of people who hate feminists. They say, it's a fad. Maybe it is. Who cares. But let's have some facts. I will actually leave it on you to research.What is the ratio of men: women in the world? How many women are in the top management of any country, organisation, force? What percentage of those women comes from economically marginalised community? What percentage of the world's women population has the flexibility to take decisions around her life, her marriage, her child birth, family planning, budgets , what they eat, what they wear. What percentage actually uses that flexibility? What percentage of the world's population is a part of domestic violence? What percentage of that are girls and women? How many of those are from the economically deprived sections?
let's take the story of any modern woman and man.
She has chosen not to get married till she finds the "right" man. She gets married to a guy who calls himself a feminist. She is amazed to finally find that one man in the universe who is sensitive, understands patriarchy, is learned, well read and well versed in world literature. Until the honeymoon is over. Literally.
Then she realises he hates it if she tells him to flush the toilet after use. Because it's his life and he has the right to live like he likes. She starts flushing the toilet then after. On some good days he does it himself. But this scenario pretty much prevails in all matters of matrimony, be it buying groceries, cooking , cleaning, spending money, anything and everything. She tries to understand the history , to understand where it is coming from and then at one point she realises all that both are doing is just a sad effort to gloss over which isn't right in the first place. The well learned man has made a unconscious(Maybe conscious sometimes) choice to be the "man". Nothing she does will change it. In fact , the more she asserts her rights the more rigid and closed he will become. It has nothing to do with what the man thinks in his mind. Over the years, without knowing, the belief system of "what women should be" has become a part of the subconsciousness . Who wins , who loses. One day, she wants to give up and pick up the charade of being the ideal wife. And that's the charade the wives of the world live in. Not because they love it but the choice of being themselves does not exist.
This results in reaffirming the cycle of patriarchy where the hearts and wills of women are broken down everyday.
In your workplace, she works hard, gets paid the least , is committed, work in creating a positive environment, smiles and enjoys what she does. And when the promotion comes around, she hears the snide remarks of using her femininity to get higher in her career. Apparently her fault that guys look at her as an object. She has to learn to hide herself, o be unheard , to be unseen, under "proper" attire.
Also, in a scenario where a wrong has been done and a woman raises her voice, she's accused of being a feminist. "Accused". Really.
In the same scenario, because this prejudice exists, women actually learn to use the "desirability quotient" to get by in tough circumstances. They have inherently learnt the act of the look, the shake, the smile, the tear, the pathos to get by. It's sometimes hilarious to be part of these theatricals but i somehow don't blame the women very much. In my mind i have debated this quite often and even while allocating some amount of blame on the woman i always appropriate much of it on the "brilliant" man who's made a choice to be blinded by prejudice.
My mother keeps telling me i should never pick up fights with my husband, i should keep quiet unless necessary ( my necessity and her necessity have different definitions is a different discussion), i get told about "his" favourite cuisines that i should cook. No one gives a damn that i might have a choice, that i might not want to do all this. You speak your mind and you challenge every laid down stereotype without being the "demure" woman you're supposed to be.
And let me tell you, not all women are feminist either. Most women have deep rooted patriarchy just like the men do. And the reverse is true as well. The feminist or "women sensitive" people as i like to call them are too few and too far in between, amongst men and women equally. It is also difficult for a man to be a feminist as well.
I still await when the mindsets will change, not in words but in actions. And this is not some random girl's story, it's my story, it's my neighbor's story, it's my friend's story and my family's story. Every woman you see has a story that she's never told. Every woman you meet has a story of broken dreams. It cuts across the domains of family, work and society. Ask the man and his story will have a woman's story that changed him as well.
Patriarchy is the basis of all forms gender based violence, specially against women. I will write about that separately. The violence against gay, lesbian and bisexuals is also because of deep rooted partriarchy and anything that goes beyond or challenges it is dealt with skepticism in most cases and violence is many.
But beyond the stories, the realities have to change. I've not turned hopeless yet. Things are changing and will change. In one age i would have been burnt at stake for saying this. But today i can argue my case, i can talk about it in an open medium. Look forward to the stoic silences and some ferocious debates after i've posted this.
