Humans no more!!!

We are no better than the animals..No, let's not even insult them by comparing them to us..Atleast they don't kill their own..not like we do..To satisfy the needs of power and superiority, we have stooped to levels noone knew existed..In the name of religion , of filthy politics, of fundamentalism of every subject imaginable except the basic fundamentals of life itself...for what reason? to achieve what end?

We have lost it..No, not the brains..So all you scientists can sit back..We have taken leaps and bounds in improving skills and knowledge and knowhow..to what? i'm not really sure..

What we have lost is what gave us our identity some ages back..the thing called "humanity"...

Remember?

The stepping stones...

I'm tired.And blissfully so.

The last time i climbed those hills was when i was still young and a few kilos less.And that was when i was still running and exercising and would never tire.Now it's a totally different story.

Anyways that isn't what this is about.

It was a trip planned for Virag and Joseph.It's a pleasure showing them around. When there's a pair of new eyes that see your country, your villages and your small world, it's like looking at all of it for the first time for you too.

After a week long 'Perspective Building Workshop" we went over to our school.After we hand painted a five hundred and a few more cards with those tiny palms and were all coloured in bright colours - pink,red, yellow, orange, blue and green, off we went strutting to the Juang village near the school and spent some lovely quiet hours just sitting at the porch of those lovely huts of the even lovelier Juang people..getting drenched it moonlight and finding our way back through the narrow lanes of the village with just that light above..It was lovely..the bright moon..the village and the people..The funniest part was when i asked the driver to switch off the lights and drive on our way back to Keonjhar after that nocturnal walk. I could sense he was totally apprehensive but what choice did the poor guy have? Once i realised he wasn't going more than a snail's pace with the lights switched off ,more so because he was scared than the real danger in it, i asked him to switch it back on..Ok there was no road that could be called one and was more a few small and big rocks piled on to give the impression..but haven't we been there zillion times already? i thought we could drive through those jungles blindfolded and there was this huge moon , almost full, shining down as if the sun had given it the power-of-attorney for a day..

If that was,'t tiring enough, i invited V and J to go on a trek..Sunday, a few friends, a hill beckoning and a trip that was begging to be taken since the stars appeared in the sky..

So there we were..all geared up, the water bottles and a heavy breakfast..Oh yes..really heavy..it being a Sunday and with J-2 and M also coming over, mom made those lovely idlis only she can make with that mean side dish of coconut and groundnut chutney , sambhar and pudina chutney to accompany.. All those who know me know that i'm a foodie but when it comes to south-indian food prepared at home-you won't find a worse sucker for it that yours truly.By the way J-2, weighing 35 kilos when you're already in your twenties and a waist size of twenty isn't really a thing to boast about..Please add a few kilos to that skeleton you carry everywhere before you vanish into thin air..The complex you give me is not to be mentioned either..And M, J and V asked me if R was your daughter..So you know what to do..

Oh..back to my track..er..trek..the ground rule when you go for a trek is never start with a full stomach..and mine was not only heavy but would have fallen off if i wasn't blessed with a flat one, not-genetically. As we started and had only walked about two kilometers i was panting like a dog..And we had still not reached the foot of the hills yet..

And guess what? Today being a Sunday and the week of picnics around this part of the world there were about a thousand people who had decided to chose our destination as their's too..The only difference was they came loaded in buses and jeeps and cars..and we were on foot..taking the road not taken..atleast not by the civilised folk....And we were stared at like we had just escaped from a zoo..Ok we made at unlikely team..two whites and one a shade of brown...But they could at least hide their incredulity till we passed them. I swear i had fight back the urge to go and put their tongues back safely to where they belonged and clip their lips more than a dozen of times..

We started on the trek through the winding footpath made since ages of travel by the people who live up in those hills. And we met quite a few of them..It was a rush today because of the weekly "haat" or market, which is where all the economics , sociology and history happened for all those people..And what took the cake was they had cattle accompanying them in those roads broad enough only to let one person pass at a time and filled with huge rocks and stones smoothed down with years of walking on them..it was quite slippery and a slip would mean a fall of quite a feet and at least a dozen broken bones and scratches..No..you wouldn't really die because the foliage is too thick and would break your fall..

The tribal people were far more decent than the "civilised" ones..There smiles were more genuine and curiosity more to know about the people rather than act "oh-i-see-foreigners-all-the-time-and-they-are-so-common" and ogle at them like it was just the opposite.

After walking for almost an hour through those meandering roads and gaining altitude with every step, we came upon the lake all of a sudden..It was breathtaking..in more ways than one..we were taking in air by gallons...and the view was magical..But that's about it..in the scene which ideally should have been accompanied by a soft rippling of water and the sound of the waterfall had about four different music systems bellowing at just below the 20 k decibels mark..and all those songs which made no sense at all..On second thoughts they did..but you'd have to have a knack for lewd double-meaning lyrics to understand them as well as a love for loud hammering that's a combination of hard metal and war drums..

When we reached the fall Joseph went into it like a fish which had been kept captive on land against his wishes..There he was..swimming and getting freezed in the water that made our feet numb..that's about the part of our bodies we managed to wet..

In the meanwhile we had visits from hundreds of the picnic-errs...staring at us as if that wasn't what they were really doing..Some overgrown teenagers beyond their teens did start to act smart, like most of them usually do..behaving worse than animals in jungles..making remarks that violate the basic rights of any human..that of dignity and respect..what with the social networking sites they virtually live in..they think everything goes...for them, it isn't real people and real feelings..i don't blame them either..It's what we get from too much exposure to all things western and yet not understanding where the rights of your freedom end and where you start encroaching the space of someone else..Seems stupid but they need to understand that watching almost naked women gyrating in music videos is one thing but expecting every woman to dress like that in real life is a different matter altogether..and all the while i was thinking about Virag who took pains to dress according to Indian sensibilities and her whole reason of coming to India was to find the inner beauty that we Indians supposedly are endowed with loads of..

As we came back there a bunch of students who came running for photographs..Virag and Joseph said they faced it all the while in India at tourist places where people wanted to take pictures with them..Joseph said he was really cool with hanging just above the fireplace as a prize certificate in the drawing rooms of the thousands of households..He also said he should actually start asking for money in return of pictures like every baba and shopkeeper did when he wanted one and save on a few rupees..

So..there..We came back through those hills..meeting those tribals again..some drunk beyond their senses and totally oblivious to the world and doing and saying things which had me in splits..and some did make sense..their anger against the civilised world which had the best of everything and yet never spared a thought about the elephants that ate their crops, the poverty they live in..oh let's forget that for a while..We also manage effectively to leave behind the plastic cups and bags and loads of garbage after we have had our picnic..for them to clean..It's their waterfall..their lake..but when have we ever spared a thought??

We were finally back..totally tired from the day of walking and climbing those hills..and those stones i stepped today were all worth the effort..because i learnt some things our books forget to teach...

Merry Chrismas!!!

Merry Chrismas..

:)

A chapter closed...

a chapter's closed
well..almost..

a year of memories
some to be cherished
and some forgotton
well..almost..

a fistful of friends
some gathered
and some gone forever
well..almost..

a few moments lived
to be sipped
alongwith that hot coffee
on a lazy afternoon
etched on the coffee mug
well..almost..

a chapter of experiences typed and set
to be printed in the life's press
someday someday
when all chapters are done
yes..all done...

"Mora silate naahin.."

The first time i met Putli was about two years back.

Seven years old then and already a bread winner of the family..She had one of those faces which hold you mesmerised for heaven knows what reason. Like the pull of an unseen magnet, like a moment already familiar before it actually happens.

I was on my field tour. After the regular monitoring and feedback sessions from the field functionaries were done and after i had visited a few households of that interior village in the hearts of the jungles and hills of Keonjhar i still had some time with me.

Like anyone in that place you too would have been captivated by the rawness of the beauty of those hills, the chilly winters, the villages with thatched houses, every household barely hiding a tale behind the broken walled the meticulously put up torn saree and every face, a hypnotizing story.

Putli was the eldest of the five siblings, two boys and three girls. Barely seven and her day started much before the day did. She would wake up before the break of dawn and clean her home and clean the dirty utensils from the day before. And some days there is also vomit to clean, the outcome of too much or too bad country liquor consumed by both her parents. Her parents work in the local mines and whatever earning they have gets over before they get home.

Putli's work for the day is then to gather firewood from the forests and finish her daily ablutions (if it can be called that. A leisurely munch at a twig, a rushed answer to nature's call and a quick dip in the dirty ice cold pond). After she comes back, she cooks the first and sometimes the last meal of the day. In between she also manages to fetch water from an open well which is about two kilometers away from her house. (The tubewell is lying broken since five days after it was dug up , which was more than two years ago). She then cleans her siblings and by then her parents are also ready to go off to the quarry. She then dishes out portions for everyone. Most of the days it is only rice and salt and some days they have a feast of a few tomatoes and potatoes boiled or toasted in the fire.

Her daily schedule after her parents are off to work is pretty much the same. She picks Mahua flowers (Mahula or Mahua is a flower which is used as a main constituent for fermentation of alcohol), dries them and meticulously carries them home.On one of my following visits, each sibling had a container-Putli ,the eldest, carrying a broken bucket of lubricant picked from somewhere, the one younger was carrying a cut out engine oil container, and it kept growing smaller till the youngest one was carrying a broken plastic mug. They were all picking up Mahua flowers. Just for record, the youngest one wasn't walking yet. Putli put him down under a Mahua tree and he picked all flowers he could lay hands on and filled his mug with glee, his prize for the day and his contribution for his share of rice.

If it isn't Mahua season, they pick Sal leaves. Or sometimes it is "Jhuna" or frankincense. And all these products are sold in the local weekly haat which fetches their weekly ration of rice and salt. The products they collect from the jungle change according to season but the routine doesn't. Except for the rainy season. During rains the younger ones mostly keep indoors and the elder ones work as labourers in the local rice fields.

These children have probably not worn a dress newly bought since ages, the ones they have are hand-me-downs, tattered and torn. During the winters an empty sack of potatoes bought for four rupees from the local shopkeeper doubles up as a blanket and a shawl depending on the time of the day. 

These children don't go to school though there is one at a stone's throw..

Our Government makes numerous policies and laws on providing compulsory primary education for every child, basic health and sanitation facility to every human being and no labour by children that somehow remains in the books of those who make the laws, never read or understood by the people it is meant for. 

This isn't only her story..There are millions like her..On one hand i know she'll never probably be able to read this but i have a hope that maybe someday her children will..or maybe her grand children.

Incedentally, 'Putli' is oriya can mean two things - a doll or a statue...

The first time i met her, i asked her.."Why don't you go to school..

She answered.."mora silate naahin.." { I don't have a slate }

My conversations with myself...

If you're looking for your ego to be massaged
please look elsewhere..
i don't even find time to massage mine
and sure as the sun in the sky
i suffer from a superiority complex
Big Time!!!

if you're trying to hurt me
a brilliant suggestion
spare the effort
i can only be hurt by people i love
and people i love
will do everything
to keep me away from it

if you are out to scare me..
it'll just be a funny little joke
my worst fears have come true
there's nothing left to fear

if you're trying to show off
and put on airs
i can do a better job
just that i find it's better
kept locked in an attic
or a basement
to be done in once in a while
if you really have the itch
with one person - yourself

if you think you're disappointed in me
sorry to to disappoint you again
i only returned the compliment..

if you think i'm rude
as far as i'm concerned-
Mission Accomplished

if you ever think i've hurt you
that's your life's biggest misconception
because i honestly accept
to hurt someone i love
is beyond my list of capabilities

Camera Rolling, ACTION!!!

So you thought it was easy to remember those lines you are supposed to say, look at the camera as if it was your best friend, be totally conscious not to look so, say the lines with the proper intonation and infliction and yet look as if you were born with a camera on you..

just change sides..

Invisible Weaver!!!

the days weave in and out of each other
promising a new design
at the end of every day
invisible hands of the weaver
make a pattern
some you can find
and chuckle
and say "That's Life"

And then the rest is still a puzzle
to be deciphered
only by the weaver who weaves
the designs not in any book
but all in his mastermind
all a part of the master's plan
and every piece spun out in unique

and days weave in and out
in the hands of the invisible weaver...

Know AIDS for No AIDS

Ok..that might seem a done to death line to you..but it still holds true..

World AIDS DAY-December 1

This post is for all people out there in the world who are living with HIV/AIDS.

This one time , i'll let the numbers do the speaking...;

Number of people living with HIV in 2007
Total 33.2 million [30.6–36.1 million]
Adults 30.8 million [28.2–33.6 million]
Women 15.4 million [13.9–16.6 million]
Children under 15 years 2.5 million [2.2–2.6 million]

People newly infected with HIV in 2007
Total 2.5 million [1.8–4.1 million]
Adults 2.1 million [1.4–3.6 million]
Children under 15 years 420 000 [350 000–540 000]

AIDS deaths in 2007
Total 2.1 million [1.9–2.4 million]
Adults 1.7 million [1.6–2.1 million]
Children under 15 years 330 000 [310 000–380 000]

And guess what? None of them invited the disease..

And there was only one cure : Awareness.

There are still a lot of myths and misconceptions attached to HIV/AIDS. And we can make a difference in only one way..Spread the awareness in as many people as we can..

What is worse is that now besides the disease the people living with AIDS have to face a worse scenario-That of the stigma and being ostracised by the society.

Let us help them live a healthy life and one filled with love and care.

Just for the record, try imagining a world without those 34 million people who are in every sphere of the society. They still have a lot to contribute to our world, socially, emotionally, economically and just as human beings.. Let's help them do it.

* data from UNAIDS-Dec 2007

Back to my childhood...

If you aren't from my school don't read further..most of it won't make any sense.. and then again..maybe it will..

And here it is for all the students of our school..

This was the longest time i was away from school..

Almost a year and a half.. and going back to the school you studied in, meeting the teachers who taught you your first lessons in life and re-living those moments is a feeling no words can aptly describe..

i started late because i was scared to meet the traffic..you know the roads..but i guess the powers above intervened because thankfully there wasn't any..but the roads are another story altogether..there are none..It is only a poor caricature of what it was and what it should be..NH-215 indeed..Don't really know if the government will ever realise how badly people are affected by the condition of the roads and the traffic that's brought the best school in Orissa on almost the verge of closing down..

From the moment i decided that i would go to school, every moment was nostalgic..the 20 kilometers to our school brought back memories of thousands of such days when we travelled to school..Some familiar landmarks are there no more and some new have cropped up..Yes..those hills are there to which we went trekking..those dark looming hills of magnetite sent me back dreaming of the races we had for the top..So much has changed..and some things..they're still the same..Just that now the race is different..

As i reached the 19 km milestone, it was again that feeling of deja-vu..the familiar eucalyptus trees..the canopy of the classrooms just about visible as if through a windscreen..And all of a sudden there it was..The board which said "GREENFIELD SCHOOL, PALASPANGA"..i totally forgot about those pictures i was supposed to click for all of you..but just in time..

I entered the school gate..yet again..and my eyes flooded with memories of the many other times i had already done so..with the uniform and pigtails..and mischief in every step..those days of carelessness, those moments of feeling just nothing..when the biggest problem was that you hadn't done your homework again and had forgotten to cut your nails..

When you enter school the first thing you see is Principal Sir's office..which we called the "Lion's Den"..and undoubtedly..that was where i first went..it seems funny after all those years but even today when i entered his office, it was the same sense of dread..as if i'll get scolded again for not being serious about my studies..and wasting my talent...

'May i come in Sir?"..and i opened the door..there he was..with his trademark smile..and "arre..beta..come come..."And Principal Sir, the same sweet teacher, who was more like a friend and a father for all of us..With him we could share all our woes and find guidance whenever we needed it..And then we talked ..about everything under the sky..from enquiring about families to condition of roads to the teachers to old students..and his recent visit to his old school as Benaras..Yes..with my present state of mind, i could completely relate to what he would have felt..

I finally let him in into our plans about the first ever alumni meet of our school..i told him about the e-group that we have..and that i wanted to talk to the students and see what they thought about it..And the sweet person that he is, he told me to go off and meet everyone...

Incidentally the classrooms have changed..so the first class i entered turned out to be tenth standard..(i just had to stop myself from writing FG X-"Family Group-X"..yes, we were all a big family there)..Ahem..Xth-All those solemn looking faces and specs gave them away..and guess who was there in the class??- Suvendu sir..He's put on some weight..but looked very tired..i talked to the students and told hem about the alumni meet that we're planning..They all were quite taken up by the idea..So i gave them my number, shared the ideas we have about it, asked them to sit over it and tell me about their plans..

The next room was the room which had been our class during the last two years in school..i remember every nook and corner of the room..three sides surrounded by eucalyptus trees..and the other two sides facing the main structure of the school..Those large arched windows and doors..That blackboard..that class bulletin at the back..{those benches and desks..those have changed though..}

..and just then the bell rang and it was the lunch break..and the children swarmed out of their classes with their lunch boxes..Most looked at me with apprehensive eyes..what else do you expect when they see someone standing in the middle of the lawn with a camera in hand, looking at the school with that 'lost' look..most of the kids weren't even born when i left school..but everyone seemed to know.."kusum didi.."and most sentences started with.."oh..you are Kusum didi??"..i won't say i wasn't flattered..but i felt more queasy in my toes..the teachers had had so much of expectation from me..they still have..they all had loved me so unconditionally..i had been a favourite with everyone..but i always believed that was more because they all were my favourites..And to realise they still talked about me to the students and i was a drifter still made me feel as if i had slid down on their scales of love and expectation..

Lunch break - good..so i could meet everyone in the staff room..

As i entered i hoped it had been otherwise..talking to everyone at a time would be chaotic..and it was..everyone was talking at once..and i'm sure i was blabbering back which didn't make any sense either..There were Arun sir, Sashmita maam, Rita Maam, Sushant sir, Nimi Maam, Yashoda Maam, Usha maam, Suvendu Sir, Sandhya Maam, Sheela Maam, Pooja Maam, Shipra maam..and a new teacher..in the harrum scarrum i forgot to ask her name..We talked about so many things including the problems they are facing, the times we had, and my weight..the last part figured at the maximum frequency...they tried telling me i was looking good but i know that was only a face saver after seeing that mortally hurt expression on my face..To tell you the truth i would have loved to spend some more time with all of them..indiviadually..every teacher has there own special place in my heart..

I then called in students of eighth and ninth and talked..we just talked..about the alumni meet and our plans regarding that...They reminded me of myself..about 10 years younger though..and we had loads of fun..we talked about a lot f things and mostly their dreams.. i told them about all past students who keep missing school..who have asked me to narrate every moment i spend at school in detail..i told them how the alumni are in every field and profession they can think off..and some they can't..No Tanveer..i didn't really expect you to open a gym and sport a six pack or was that an eight???

And finally i put the ball in their court and have asked them to fix a date in mid January..So you guys know when you have to book your tickets..Specially those in China, US, NY, LA, Tennessee,Korea, Africa, London, and god know where Rutuparna presently is..

It was already time for my meeting..so i had to rush off..I made a trip to the art class and i felt a tad sad..the walls were stripped off..the Madhubanis and water colours we had painstakingly created were not there..probably they are already torn or maybe taken down for restructuring..i don't know..Didn't even ask Gauda Sir..He was himself..that typical Gouda Sir smile..I met Surendra sir just as i was rushing off..he has lost even more weight if that was possible..he gave me one of his best toothy smiles..Wish i had talked to him a bit more..Someday..someday..

The library looked very different too..it has been reconstructed to accommodate more number of children but i loved the library of our times..That cosy room with books lined up on every wall from floor to roof..those wooden racks where i knew the position of every book that entered it..those dark green curtains..those matted floors..that soft light filtering through in winter afternoons..that musty bookish smell..i remembered every bit of it and tried to find that smell in the present library...the black board in the assembly, those wall magazines..But there were a lot of things missing..i missed a lot of teachers too..Mukherjee maam, Mishra Maam, Sharma sir, (Prem sir, Panchali Maam and Stan sir who had left when we were still in school..), Kamlesh Sir, Kalpana maam,Pankaj Sir..But Raju bhai and Mukesh Bhai were there..the bell rings ensured that.. and the students were a charm..they gave me back a part of me..

..even though i left the school because it was getting late i knew my heart was still stuck there..somehow i know a part of me will always be there and my school will be a part of me always..even after no one recognises me anymore..even after i have moved miles away..A part of me will still smile when it sees an eucalyptus tree..or any pentagon structure with slanting roof anywhere in the world..and will be lost in that special time called childhood....

The War inside!!!

Today, on my way back from my field tour, as the sun went down and the world got engulfed in darkness, it got me thinking yet again on something that has been plaguing me since some time..

Happiness and sadness..Good and bad..light and darkness..all the things that have a duality in existence..

Does the absence of one thing mean the presence of another automatically? If there is an absence of light does that mean darkness is present? Or is it something else? Isn't darkness a non-entity? There's nothing that is darkness..it happens because there is no light.. Can there be darkness where there is light?

Noise and Silence: Is silence an entity in itself? Isn't it a phenomena that happens because there is an absense of noise? We can induce noise but can we induce silence? Do we not have to take away the noise to instill silence?

On the other hand can we say that happiness exists when there is absence of sadness?
It isn't really true, is it?Absence of happiness doesn't make a person sad or vice-versa.

Why is a person happy? Why another sad? We say that it is the different facet of the same coin. You get what you need and you are happy. Your need remains unsatisfied, you're sad. Who defines the need? For some it is power, for some money, for some it's love, for some just some other need.

Who decides what is good and bad? You say there is inherent and universal goodness and positivity which is accepted by everyone..ok..so why do we not follow the heart? Why so much of lies and hypocrisy and deceit? Why hiding behind a facade that isn't the reality? How do you say break the rules when the rules are the result of a society?Which of the rules are meant to be broken and which are not? We are pretty sure breaking traffic rules at peak hour isn't a very intelligent thing to do, is it?

Who decides that killing a man at the border makes you a hero and killing someone on the streets because he's violated you in some way make you a murderer? Who decides that a physical relationship before marriage is the ugliest thing to do and after the official sanctioning of a mangalsutra it's the way of life? Who decides that living in a palatial house and wearing Armani is materialistic and living in the pavement and going without food which is more of a compulsion than a choice , is not? Why loving someone is good but owning it is bad? Why feeling sad is good but shedding tears is unmanly(Or womanly???).

i have no answers..muddled thoughts and a direction..i do not know if i'll find my answers..

Maybe, i'll know when it's time..

India Rising???

I owe this to my friends..all those who have hummed and hawed because i've been out of touch with almost everyone.It's just one of my phases when i needed to get in touch with a very important person in my life-myself.But more on that some other time in some other age..Those who know me won't ask..and those who don't , don't need it anyways...

We have a school for Juanga girls with 150 children studying in it. Juanga is a PTG or a primitive tribal group, one of the 75 odd identified by the Government in India. They are generally defined by a declining population, low literacy rates, traditional ways of living, dependence of minor forest produces as a source of livelihood, non dependence on agriculture as a source of income..You can clearly imagine them..Yes..they live in the remotest of areas..in midst of jungles..have traditions that are lovely..

You know how they get married traditionally??Well..they'll put your disc parties to shame..Every year they have three major festivals..called "parab"..Once in winters, then in spring and then rains..which mostly coincides with sowing, ploughing and reaping of whatever "padu chasa" and "shifting cultivation" they do..These festivals run into weeks where groups of young people, men and women go to visit different clans..they have a specific number of clans and each clan has a mukhia or a leader. Each clan lives in it's own village and every village is again rule by a specific set of rules..There is a "manda ghara" or a central house(you can call it a club house if you will) and a fire burns in each of those manda ghara since they have resided there, come summer, winter or rain.It is the place where everyone sits down for a chat or important discussions or a simple game of 'bagha cheli"( Lion and Goat). Every house is a big one room where all the non-breastfeeding boys live..If you thought tribals usually have joint families..think again..They have very small nuclear families..in fact, as soon as the children stop feeding from their mothers, which would be till they are about four, the boys live in the "manda ghara" and the girls live with old women who have been widowed or living alone..Polyandry and polygamous marriages are not uncommon. Yes..going back to marriages..The groups visit each others' clan and some kind of initial wooing and matchmaking takes place in those nightlong dance and song sessions..The boys then tell their parent who that girl is who they want to get married to..And then the father of the boy gives the village of that girl a grand visit with the mukhia' of his clan...

He reaches the "manda ghara" and talks to the village leaders..then the father of the girl is called for..They have a talk about the feasibility of the marriage and the consent of the girl is asked for..if she says yes they do a "horoscope match" which is a bit out of the way..They place three grains of rice in a triangle and cover it with a mud pot..the next day if it is as it is, they are sure the marriage is good for the couple..( i have this nagging feeling the girl would change it with the help of someone if she didn't like the guy..}..

Anyways..after that, a dowry is worked out..which is reverse..the guys family pays to the entire village of the girl..the dates are fixed..and in the meanwhile the boy and girl together build their home..after the home is built they get married..The boy's family and the girl's total village give them whatever is required to start a family including pots, pans, money, rice, everything...

That's the beautiful part..Now with bans on marketing of forest produces, limited and curtailed rights on forests, timber a total no-no(which i totally support), they have now reduced avenues for income. Even agriculture requires skills which they do not have..Having lived a life of fun , frolic and less hard work, they now find it difficult to adjust to the ways of the world..There are times in the years , all they have for food is Rice and salt..and for some weeks, not even that..They buy rice and divide it in two parts.They boil one half and drink the water or the carbohydrate rich "mand". The next day, they keep it out to dry and boil the other half..this goes on till the rice water is no more milky and thick and that's the day they eat the rice..

May sound like a story to you..i myself wouldn't have believed it if i hadn't seen it myself..

The reason this post was written in the first place is that we run a school for 150 girl children of that community. The female litercay is less than 2 %. I went to live with them. There are no concrete or black top roads to the village, there is no water supply, no electricity and yes, no bathrooms or toilets..You hve to get water from a tube well which is 500 meters off..(thankfully, Rotary International has decided to build a tube well in our school and toilet's will be constructed soon after the water problem is solved).

This place gave me back my perspective yet again.Sometimes, when work becomes monotonous and nothing makes sense, and it becomes easy to lose hope. These people, with there woes and yet such happy smiles and small happinesses make everything worthwhile... and make you appreciate what youhave. But, that's another part of my story.

The sensex crossed 20K and maybe it'll break a few more records in the coming days..When it's so easy to get lost in India rising and India shining , it helps to do a reality check.

Footnote: Right to food is one of the basic human rights of a man.

There is so much of buffer stock of grains in our country that it'll feed an entire generation for 10 years. Still, people go hungry every day in our country. There was a time when out country didn't have godowns to keep the grains and next year a report was presented which showed that 30% of the stocks had been eaten away by rodents. What a waste. They could've looked into the stomachs of people to store it.We live in a country where the sensex is doing some great upward moves and presenting a shining picture to the world..but the reality is something totally different. If you don't agree with me, you can run your eyes over the pavements, the streets and the slums coming up every part of the country.

NB: I'm an eternal optimist. I think the things will change. But i also think it's we who have to start that change.

You there

Life..The search for it's meaning..What is it?? Why is it??Is there a duality in everything or do i see it that way?

The Hindu philosophy of Karma, of birth and re-birth, of acquired "phala" or "sanskara" ..on one hand where we are told that your "karma" or your deeds will give you results , the good karma- good results and vice versa..and on the other you're asked not to think about the results. Buddha said, "desire is the the base of all evils"..But is it really possible to live without desire? And i don't mean the desire in a materialistic sort of way..A want for "nirvana" or "salvation"..of doing good deeds because you strive for ultimate happiness and freedom from the "kala chakras" or births and re-births..isn't that a desire too?

The Buddhist philosophy of "shunyata" or whatever you do has effect on everyone.Every thing is connected is some way..So what you do here has a rippling effect on everyone else..

The ancient philosophy where there is duality of existence- of good and evil..of death and birth , of man and woman..where it is believed that everything has to be in balance..

What is it that i believe? And why? It is so easy to believe in something and create the conviction and arguments to support it..But why, i digress??

Is there something which is the pure truth? Belief in God for instance. Yes, i believe in god..But i do not know the nature of God..i do not know the gender..i do not know if calling God a 'she' will make me a pagan..i do not know calling god "him" makes any sense either.. i do not know who it is i believe in..who it is that runs the world and the actions therein..does he really guide us in everything we do? Or is god "sthula' or 'dormant' looking at everything with detachment..

Detachment-Yes that's another word that keeps cropping up. We are told it is all Maya. If this is maya why has god created it? If we are asked to be detached, shouldn't attachment of all kinds be bad including the attachment to god?

If the ultimate truth is to love unconditionally, to accept, to be sympathetic, why are these very things almost always brushed under the carpet? Why is it shameful to cry? Why is it "weakness" to show your love? Why do people run from the word "commitment"? Why are they scared to show that they "love"?

i really have tried finding a bad man in my life..but i'm still to find one..Every person in my life has had so much of goodness in them..Yes..some have been confused...and have had their own way of looking at life..but does that make them bad or any person good?? Who in the world wants and strives to be bad??

i do not know..i have too many questions..in the meanwhile i'm branded as a being too Utopian, too vulnerable, to open to hurt and have some fiercely protective people around..

as if they can save me from my share of hurt..as if they have any say in what i do..as if i'll ever change..i love the way my life is..i love the hurt and pain i've gone through because that is what has made me what i am..i wouldn't ever change any part of my life because every moment has been a lesson..

yes i've had scars..but i'm very proud of them..

Maybe this post does not make sense..but that's because a lot of things don't actually make sense..we still run after the things materialistic because that's what we've been told is the best even though we all know we'll finally be a part of the water, earth, sky, fire and ether depending on the way we are cremated..We fear losing things we hold close even though we know nothing's permanent..

That's Maya??

And what isn't?

1000 reasons to get married...

Looks like there's only one thing there's left to do in my life!!

Get MARRIED!!

Get married!!!???For the sake of whoever's up there!!!...Am i looking that desperate or good-for-nothing or ..well..desperate's the right word again..

All moms and Dads..Please don't take offense..none is meant..But i'm freaking scared of going anywhere now..Anywhere i go i'm asked one question in million different ways.."So, when are you tying the knot?" "To tum ek se do kab ho rahi ho"{wasn't marriage supposed to be other way round?}, "When is the party?"...It's freaking..really..

Last week i went to the mall..And there were those lovely clothes for kids..nowadays they have such beautiful collection for the kids you feel like becoming one..and i was looking at those with wistful eyes..and guess what i get to hear from my family..Yeah..you guessed right..

I usually don't go to weddings..i don't like the stuffy feeling and plastic smiles..i run away from those at the speed of light unless it's someone close "tying the knot"..So i went to this cousin's wedding who incidentally is younger to me...right from the moment i stepped in the Mandapam till the moment i came out..oh yes..the same question..

"You're looking beautiful..it is because it's your age to get married..".

"This Saree is nice..Why did you wear it..you should keep atleast a hunndred new sarees for your wedding.."

"Oh Lord, The rates of gold have sky-rocketed..we should have bought some more jewellery last month"

Ouch. As if i'll ever wear the jewellery already enough to adorn two showrooms..As if i've nothing better to do than buy sarees for my wedding..As if getting married is the only reason i was born on this earth for..

My mom blackmailed me into making copies of my photographs and my bio-data with horoscope..thee are so many copies, i'm sure i could easily have printed pamphlets and saved on the bulk order..i also opened an id on bharatmatrimony..and guess what??my mailbox is flooded with mails and i've finally spammed it..

It's difficult being a woman,i tell you..it is..i never thought i would say this..but i am..Looks like finding your soulmate figures nowhere in the 1000 reasons to get married...

Clash of the Titans!!!

Between the clash of my two most favourite people in sports, Federer defeated Pete Sampras in an exhibition match..Well Roger, even if it was a straight sets defeat for your opponent, he did give you a run for your points..not to forget, he's been retired almost 6 years..and definitely out of practice!!

Love you both..

Rafel, you can wait for another decade for that top slot..But again, you aren't half as bad either..

Suspended Animation!!

There it goes, out of the window..my resolution not to write about the politicians..

But these guys are such great entertainers.. Try as you might, can't really ignore them..They just love hogging the limelight..And in what ways..

B.S. Yeddyurappa resigned..finally..after a week in power..with all hullaboo of being the first BJP Chief Minister of any south indian state..

The hanging balance with a pact of 20 months power sharing has been doing some drastically amusing see-saw movement the last three weeks providing some great entertainment to the countrymen..Deve Gowda has suddenly woken up from his slumber (no pun intended) with sudden rise in patriotism towards Karnataka, which has been facing some real problems in governace and administration under his rule..Let's not even think about the Karnataka being on the top three list of highest concentration of farmer suicides. Now, he has suddenly opened eyes towards a 'secularist state' and even if you try to close your eyes to it, can't really ignore who his sleeping partner (no pun again) was for the last 20 months..

A quick flashback: No single party majority in the last elections(2004) -> BJP single largest party -> every party talks to every one else as well as against -> an unlikely duo of JD(S) and BJP coalition with a pact of 20 months power sharing -> JD(S) takes over first as the first stake is theirs in the mutual blackmail -> 20 months over -> party over -> JD(S) pulls out -> national drama -> reunites and BJP does the victory dance -> Deve Gouda re-awakens with an MoU which prove to be the divorce papers -> final "Talaaq"(hopefully).

Suspended animation!!!

Animated suspension..President's rule , re-election or another coalition..These people have lost it..completely..

Can you guys,the politicians i mean, please realise, we are all watching you..And this isn't, i repeat, isn't "The Great Indian Stand-up Comedy Show".

Footnote: Keep your eyes open as the drama unfolds..Gets me thinking why we have failed to create alternative options in politics anywhere in India, Be it Narendra Modi in Gujarat, CPI(M) in WB or be it Mr Naveen Patnaik in my state.

Moment

The different shades
catch the light and change the hues
yet again
and yet again you're caught
in a whirlwind
and a changed direction

moment flies
you hold on
only time passes you by
with its merciless laughter
looking into your hands
you find
there's nothing to hold

life

things change..
people move on..
and life..
it goes on...

To be politically correct

i really didn't want to write about politicians in my blog because they get their due from thousands already.

This is just for a show of solidarity to all bloggers out there fighting a silent battle through their mighty words and writey pens..

Sometime back, i had written about mutual blackmail in political throes..Now, we see the implications , from Islamabad to India, from Nondigram to US, Baghdad to Cuba. The shamelessness jangles my dear and the reverberations are heard in every brain worth it's grey cells.

See the pattern?

Nuke deal and Godhra...Saddam to Imran, Mush to Bush, the hypocrisy shines through more than those shiny bald heads hidden beneath the supreme white "Gandhi topis", turbans, caps and hats!!.

I would laugh at the joke my dear politicians if it wasn't for the lives of people you are playing with..

Footnote: Headlines on all channels went, "Left goes soft on Nuke deal". Wonder why that sounds 'oh-so-predictable' after the Nondigram issue.On the other side of the fence, "Bhutto taken off from house arrest".Propaganda? Nah! That's politics!!!

My Soulmate

"The search for my soulmate..so many years, so many lifetimes..my soulmate since before the universe..till later than eternity..my perfect man..my perfect friend..without him the world is worthless..and with him by me, all rags are riches..

The committment to accept, nothing to forget, absolutely nothing to forgive..the confidence that each can build the other from nothing and the knowledge that each can destroy the other too, yet love and cherish each other..always..

Together we can create a world of everything we desire, the desire just to love..The happinees of being because my soulmate is..the electricity of looking at you..the voltage of loving you...yesterday, today and every tomorrow..

i wait for you my soulmate..without you everything is incomplete.."

{this i wrote long back and thought of posting it because it still holds true..}

The Prayer

oh God, if you exist
this is my prayer to you

give me the strength to go on
even after i think i can't
show me the way when darkness blinds
and let the blindness never be inside

hold my hand when i get too lonely
bequest me the poise to stand alone
let me not be lost in pretentions
and ever be obscured in a charade

let me always feel the sorrows
i need not happiness
which is based on others woes

let me not find fault outside me
for the biggest folly is the one inside
let me not be lost in a mirage
and bestow the courage to face the truth

i know , to hate is easy
but show me that to love is easier

show me the way when darkness shrouds
and the ray behind the darkest clouds
confer the fortitude to tame the tears
and the sensitivity not ever to be the cause

let me change, and only for better
but not alter when in truth.

i want to go to school too father

i want to go to school too father
you, a girl? why,
you dream too high
what need of school for you?

am i not a child father?
is school not for me?
don't i need my lessons in life

what lessons girl?
isn't the home school enough?
isn't your mother the best teacher?
doesn't the forest you pick firewood from
teach you the lessons you need?
they don't teach cooking
or washing utensils and clothes
or tending the cattle
or working in the fields

and who will look after the younger children
when your mother is working and i'm not home
who will cook and feed?
who do you think will get the fodder
and pick the mahua when season has come

school isn't for you girl
go, see your brother cries.


Footnote: According to census 2001 52.2% of the women are still iliterate in India.

The children of the street!!!

A few days back i made a stop near the local market because i had a pick a few things up. As i was waiting for the driver three little children showed up. You would have seen the type sometime in your life if you live anywhere in India. They have dirtied torn clothes and faces which are difficult to tell apart and those simply magnetic and pitiful innocent eyes. They won't speak a word and the only thing they know is to outstretch their hands, begging for alms. They won't leave you alone until you either give them money of dirty looks or both.

Now, we work with child labourers and street children. We run three schools with 50 children each in the district at three places, Joda, Keonjhar and Banspal. We also have 20 Non-formal education centres in 20 slums where non-school going and drop-outs are taught in play-learn methods and gradually enrolled into regular schools with periodic monitoring to stem the drop-out. We also worked with 700 such children and their parents in the past where we gave importance on the capacity building of the parents, sensitization, micro-enterprise development and decreasing the work hours of the children alongwith compulsory education.

That was just a background and besides the point. That's what makes me think about those children a bit closer from a different perspective or maybe vice-versa.

I asked them what they would do with the money (there were two girls aged anything between 6-8 and a boy who was maybe about 10-11). First they kept quiet looking at me with those idiotically sweet eyes and nudging at me. Then after i gave them one of my best smiles and sat with them they finally relented. They said they hadn't had anything to eat since the morning and they would get something to eat. Now, i usually don't give alms to able-bodied beggars and specially when they are children. But try as i could, i just couldn't ignore this. I asked a shopkeeper nearby to get three packets of some good biscuit or crackers. He told me, "Vini, let them be, they are all little devils". Little devils or not, i had to talk o them and there wasn't any other way. I asked them about their lives. They belonged to a nomadic tribe. At the risk of going off topic again, most nomadic tribes in India are not in any schedule, they are generally treated as "born criminals", they do not have most of the civil rights, they are denied the basic right to vote because they do not have a "permanent address", they cannot even open an account in any bank and lets forget the passport and other things that we all take so much for granted. As is obvious their children are not sent to any schools. You would argue, who would take them. I, partially agree. Yes, no one but that's because we still haven't thought about them or accepted that they are Indians too. They live like foreigners in their own land. They make those lovely idols with plaster and china clay which are worshipped in every Indian home, be it a Hindu, Christian, Buddhist or those tablets in a muslim household.. They give 'jadi booties' for a zillion ailments and before shitting those let's have a research on those traditional herbs and medicines.

Ok..back to the children. i gave them the biscuits and told them to eat it in front of me. They did so, very reluctantly. I promised myself to visit their families after i came back from a week of meetings at Bhubaneswar and would spend at least an hour with their children everyday. That was more selfish on my part. I wanted to know how the children adjusted to the nomadic lifestyles. I wanted to know how the kids felt being unwanted at every place they went. I wanted to know what was the normal life for these children. I wanted to know what the children thought of the only profession they had been taught since childhood -begging.

I reached here the night before the last. Yesterday was Diwali so stayed at home. I came early today so that i could spend some time with those children and their families.

Their tents are gone as are they.

My dreams of talking to them will get fulfilled someday. And meanwhile, thousands of such children are getting robbed of a childhood without the basic rights to health, education and shelter.

There are so many "only ifs" but none to drive away those innocent eyes that haunt you long after they gone...

Footnote: UN defines every child of 6-14 age group out of school as child labour.

Zero Waste Philosophy!!!

I guess you would know about it..Zero waste is a philosophy that aims to guide people in the redesign of their resource-use system with the aim of reducing waste to zero.It believes that if you focus on the productivity of the raw materials, you can generate more in terms of output. We do it while planning all our programmes. It is integrated at the planning level itself so that we save our environment in our own small ways.

And last night it got me thinking about something else..The emotional waste..the waste called pain , anger, fear, hatred, jealousy..wherever we are, whatever we do, we get stuck with those non-material wastes...

And the disposal system doesn't work very well too..For some waste, it becomes easy, like the reusable wastes in the environment. Maybe if you are angry about something and reuse that anger to write an article or channel it to some other creative energy- bingo!! We also propagate reduction in usage which translates to less or minimal use of products which are not biodegradable. If we reduced our usage of words, wouldn't that save our emotional environment too??Wouldn't it save too many misunderstood words, associated explanations, unneccesary babbling??

Wouldn't it be great if we planned all our emotions in the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Respect" mode!!! If we all focused on the productivity of the raw materials , as in love, affection, care,sensitivity which can be used again and again, without fail..the renewable sources of energy.. we could get such results!!No emotional waste, all waste zero balance!!And output-infinity!!!

The Tolerant Indians

A few days ago, one of my friends asked me about my views on tolerance.He said he had read about it first in "The Argumentative Indian", He told me he'll send me the book. As he still hasn't and i still haven't actually read the book , i wanted to write about it....In my answer to him i'd said,

"My take on intolerance wud not really be tolerable to many with those intolerance...Because as i said earlier, i never try to impose my thoughts on anyone..What would those so called" intolerant people" have to say or react on my views on them??And maybe my heights or limits of intolerance maybe someone else's base..I make my own perceptions and live according to them and probably wudn't change them for the world except if it was for someone i deeply cared about.."They" will be what they are..And perfectly within there rights to do it.. I might say"they" shouldn't have/must not react to Gere- Shilpa/MFH..But i think if they knew it was my point of view, they wud only sneer and be a little more intolerant towards me and some other people too..Isn't it something like asking a psycho not be one??...But again maybe intolerance in some teaches tolerance to others..because as a spectator you se the absurdity of it whole....So why try to make a point on issues i can do nothing about?? I can only talk of myself and increase my levels of tolerance... ".

But that was before a few days...before the gujjars in Rajasthan started their demands to be included in schedule, before clashes happened for the "Sacha Sauda" in Punjab, before Nandigram,Before a bomb went off in one of the largest gathering Praying in Jama Masjid in Hyderabad, before the sudden chaos that gripped our country where no state has been left in peace .....

Why did that happen??Are we really turning into an intolerant lot??Didn't the Mahtama teach us Non-Violence? Didn't he teach us the lesson of tolerance and patience..Didn't he give us the pride of calling ourselves Indians? The country he gave us just based on his war of non-violence and tolerance..Why have we forgotton the great Mahatma, who we call the father of the nation and still don't know why..Why have we forgotten the rich heritage of India..Why are we turning into such an intolerant lot?Is it the education or is it the politics??Is it the media?Is it that we don't have any good ideals in India anymore??Is it because one of the greatest presidents India has had, magnificient in his lethal combination of intelligence, compassion and humility, is sacrified because he denies playing into the hands of politicians??Is it because the UPA and Mayawati play symbiotic blackmail to save each others necks??Is it because our leader are based from jail?Why didn't the politicians do something to stop the initial act itself and nothing to stop the carnage that followed??When Pakistan was at the verge of a civil war over the CJ issue, when the begums of Bangladesh are either trying to save their lives in prison or go on an exile, when Sri Lanka is again gripped with the Tamil Guirellas declaring an open war.....I still thought maybe We'll never be touched by that..Our neighbours fights will teach us how much better it is to find solutions rather than violence....

But can we expect that from our people??...The collective role of politicians, media and education..It is getting so disillusioning..Are they not forgetting what politics is about? Is the education getting too technical??Is morality obsolete?Is media too taken up with frivolity to notice the bigger picture??What is going wrong and where? Nobody can deny that it is going wrong..

So ..what??where?? But we are not Pakistan under a military rule, We are absolutely not Bangladesh, We are not yet Sri Lanka..But the way the things are poised, people's tolerance is wearing thin and maybe, if things go on in the same vein , so would mine...

(This article was written before five months, and presently we have added many more such incedents to the list. The blasts in Hyderabad, the bombs going off every other day at different places firing communal tension..Have we then, run out of tolerance??and doesn't it make you wander if there's some propaganda somewhere to break the country which has stood the test of time and such turbulence since a long long time??

i have extreme faith in "us"..Let's start thinking afresh..and this time..let's please think of the India 50 years hence, rather than stick to our present and fighting about something as petty as religion.As the famous lines go.."Mazhab nahin sikhata, aapas mein bair rakhna".)

dream on o heart

dream dream dream
who has seen the tomorrow that will be
who holds the moments gone?
there's no present, it's a moment gone and moment to come
what i have is only my dreams
dream where no powers hold
no fetters bolt
the air is free and so am i
no anger, no expectation, no lie
dream o heart, that's rightly yours
lighted rooms and opened doors
noone to hate and everyone yours
smiles are yours as are tears
no explanation, no confusion, no questions asked
no preamble and no last

I love You

I Love You....

..I Love you..I'm sorry if I never told you that. I'm sorry, I never showed you what I felt....And it's now that you are gone, I'm missing you..more than anyone will ever know..I feel you every moment..I see you smile..( I swear it was lovely smiles you gave me whenever we met..even though it was probably so many times a day..)

How long were we together??12 years??Doesn't seem that long...Still remember the day you were born..I was dressed and ready to go to school..Your mom gave birth to you..So quiet and so lady like...And proud of all four of you...And I don't know what pulled me to you..But your unusual colouring, your lovely eyes made me fall in fall in love with you, then and there..The others got adopted but you didn't.. Actually, seems like we were destined to be together..You kept coming back to my place even though so many people tried taking you away..I can not be sure even today how a tiny thing , all of two months ,could find it's way back from a distance of 15 kms..through the busy streets and then the deserted lanes...( I guess you may have just cheated a bit and followed the watchman back from his village with such stealth that even he didn't realise it..)Remember how both of us got shouted at together..I think you were more human than me and I was more dog than you..The food I stole for you..and the strange tit-bits you brought me..I guess they were your gifts for me..So I loved them all.. Though it was a difficult task returning shredded new sandals to our neighbours daughter..And I realised even then you could read my mind and somehow you knew I had my heart lost on those pair of sandals..

Why did you choose such a time to die when I was not even home??After being with me for 12 years you should have atleast waited..I don't know if I would have felt any different if yours would have been a natural death..I don't know.. and I really can't feel anything now..Or maybe I'm feeling so many things at a time I can't put my finger on a single one....When I think that someone poisoned you, I feel very angry..Angry at people who can be cruel to poor dumb creatures..Sandil says get that "bozo" identified and give him a kick up his....Whatever " bozo" means, suits your murderer..I don't know if I'll be able to get that person identified firstly..Murderers do not accept their guilt even tough it's an animal, dumb animal, they have killed, I guess.. I also don't think he'll be too proud of it either..And secondly, I really don't know if there's anything I can say to him..My dogs are gone for ever..You are gone forever...When I was going for my meeting last week, you so affectionately came up to me and would have dirtied all my clothes with your dirty paws had I not given you one of my dirty looks...And to think I should have let you..to think I should have hugged you one last time...

I came back day before yesterday and I couldn't hear your bark..I thought you guys had gone for one of your nocturnal tours..And anyways I was very late and tired after being on tour for eight days and wasn't even thinking so seriously..I knew I would meet you on my morning walk..Early morning when I came out with roties to feed you..and whistled..none of you would come.. I kept calling all of you but you didn't come..And then Mom told me, you'd been killed..She said , "Your Chabloo, his wife and their two kids died two days back and only two other puppies are left.."... I always called her your wife,,don't know why..But that name suited her so well..I never even thought of any other name..Also remember the day you brought her home..that was six years back..She was so agressive and you let her be..Though I didn't like her much in the beginning I just accepted her gradually cause you were so madly in love with her..You gave her your food..You favourite place in the lawn.. So how could I not agree to the match???

Mom says maybe you ate something wrong by yourself..But how can four of you eat the same thing and die and leave two others to mourn for you? I know you shared everything..I cannot believe my intelligent companions could be so foolish to eat poison...I know someone did it knowingly..Maybe it's someone whose cattle and herd you had attacked last week..Maybe it is some other" bozo"...maybe it is you by yourself..But I hate you for leaving me without notice..I know you were growing older..Your wife too...But your kids were only 6 months old!!!!Why did they get killed too? Four of you have gone..And the two left are in mourning..There's noone to follow me on my morning walks..You always made me feel safe in those jungle roads which noone travelled on so early in the morning..No one greets me when I come back home..Noone gives me a surprise nuzzle on my neck..Noone fights to get my attention..Noone follows me around as if that's the only reason thay have been sent to this world for..And noone's left with whom I can share my thoughts....

I Love you..I always will..Thank You for being there..I know life is transitory..But you could have given me a warning atleast???

Let a new life begin,

Time has come to bury you..

I'll bury you with my own hands,

my tears will be shed, the pain will be felt,

But I'll still bury you.

it will be a burial with flowers,

with lots of lilies for the fragrance you brought to my life,

with some beautiful roses from the garden we tendeed together,

I'll pick out all thorns though..

As you never let me feel pain..

i'll make a wreath with the flowers of all colours you brought to my life...

And besides all this I'll bury a part of myself..

the part that was only yours..I'll cry for myself..

I'll cry for you a little more..

Think of the things as they could have been..

Laugh at the memories as they were..

shed a few more tears on things I couldn't do to...

I give a royal burial..

My hearbeats take the final march..

My voice croons the final song..

My eyes bear the testimomy..

Good bye darling..May you always live in peace...

The Unending Night

Mom was again at the door, for the umpteenth time . It was later than two in the morning.Where was Bubun? Why was he so late? He never got so late without informing home. He was struggling to make a place for himself in the business. For that he had to travel a lot, meet up people , attend numerous meetings..but he never stayed back so late without telling her.. He atleast gave her a call telling her where he was and that he would be late..But tonight , he hadn't ... Mom had already visited the loo five times..Nervousness brought with it loose motions for her.. And she was continuously chanting the "Hanuman Chalisa"..And sitting alternately infront of the Puja Room and drawing room and at the gate...She continuously was asking Sanchita to call him on his mobile which said only one thing- " The subcriber is not reachable".. Mom's heart was oddly fluttering and and she was trembling inside, futilely trying to push away the disturbing thoughts..

--- --- ---

Sanchita woke up and looked at the clock. It was 10 minutes to twelve.She had been looking at the clock every ten minutes. She wanted to sleep but sleep wouldn't come. She looked at her brother's neatly made empty bed which was just beside hers.And thought of the day before...
He was twenty seven and had been continuously stuck to his phone for more than eighty percent of his waking time..He rarely slept anyway.And she had caught him again talking to the girl everyone had forbidden him to talk to. Not that she was a bad girl. Just that their family was of a different social caste and Sanchita's family had never witnessed a marriage like that. And there were the usual mathematics involved of social standing and stature et al.
She had just told him point blank not to talk to her becuase that was the only thing she could do.She being the eldest of siblings had a huge responsibility on her head. She knew her parents , though very liberal, would not be able to face the stigma of the joint family and their "kutumb".
And he had reacted violently, like he always did. He told her to mind her own business and stormed out of the room.But what had hurt Sanchita more was that he had lied to her.It was something she couldn't understand. she had done her best to be her two brothers' best friend and now he was lying to her already.
And it was twelve midnight and Bubun had not yet returned...She tried to read an interesting book she's started but even though pages turned by, nothing registered..

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Pupun was trying to distract his thoughts by watching a rerun of some cricket match which he had probably watched thousand times..Any other day, he would have churned out the statistics like a fifth class student doing his multiplication tables..But today, if you asked him, he probably wouldn't know which match was on... He was permanently trying Bubun's number. Bubun had called him at about ten to tell him he'd be late and he had waited up. Waited because the watchman was on leave and someone had to open the gate for him.But it was already three thirty in the morning..He didn't know what to do. He saw his parents and sister all tensed up and alternatively doing rounds of their mansion , the gate and the drawing room.. And he was trying his best to avoid all of them by pretending to watch the tele.
He was scared and angry by turns. Scared because he thought maybe Bubun was drinking again. But in his heart he knew it could not be.. But again, you never knew anything for sure with Bubun. He was so moody. And so pampered.. Mom and Dad both adored him..
He was angry because his Big B didn't have an ounce of responsibility in him..specially with that stupid girl.. He didn't much like her.. Her incessant gigling and stupid lies made him sick. But he never said anything about it to anyone. He always liked keeping things to himself.
And what the heck,,He loved Bubun like noone else.. He was the pampered one..

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Dad had had enough. he took out the car even though his siatica was shooting tremors of pain through his shoulders.He couldn't take the tension anymore. He had completely trusted all his kids, specially Bubun.And he loved him the most. he has given him complete freedom in everything. Everything he wanted was given to him, most of the time without even asking..He drove to the hospital and from there to the Police Station if no news of him was found in the hospital.
His thoughts inadverdently went back to the time 25 years ago when Bubun was barely two. He had developed an infection in his brains and had been admitted to one of the biggest hospitals in Kolkata.. Every night then, for fifteen days had been living hell for everyone.It had been a fight against odds and the doctors had called it nothing less than a miracle when he had survived.
He had loved him all the more after that. He had been given special care and all the love and tonight he had gone without telling anyone..Dad looked at the clock on the dashboard. It showed 4.15 am.

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Mom was tense. she couldn't stop her tears anymore. They had been freely flowing for the last hour alongwith her prayers.Dad had called to say he hadn't got any news from both the places. And no news here was definitely good news. Sanchita was out with the dogs, looking at the sky and thinking that it was indeed the darkest before the dawn..She had sent a few SMSes to Bubun's cell phone and had called all his friends as soon as the clock had struck four. But noone knew his whereabouts. He had strange friends. Well some of them were also up and searching for him but till now there wasn't any news.
Just then, she heard Pupun's voice. He said that her sms had been delivered and he had called Bubun. He was with some of his friends and was coming home.Mom went to the Puja room for the last time and this time , the tears were definitely those of happiness. She had anger in her beautiful eyes and started muttering something about giving Bubun a scolding of his life..Pupun and Sanchita looked at each other and knew it was all crap. As soon as she saw him, she would just melt and dote him like she always did.

--- --- ---

Bubun came strolling in. Sanchita looked at the clock. It said 5.15.am. The first rays of the sun were visible in the east, casting a brilliant red hue in the morning sky.
Mom scolded him in mock anger. And Bubun was , well, himself again. He was least bothered. He said there was no need for anyone to wait up or care for him. He said he didn't want anyone to care for him either. Everyone knew him so noone said anything. He'd continue to be Bubun, the pampered one and filled with his own insecurities and his rudeness....And would never in his life understand that it had been one of the most difficult nights for their family and had seemed would never end...

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