Some things hit you when you are least prepared and leave you stunned.
We were visiting some "new" friends a few days back. I say new and i say friends because they have come into my life recently, i see and feel a definite connect, a similarity in thoughts and experiences to some extent but most of all having the feeling that i can talk freely, with the trust that you will have an objective point of view, with least regard for social norms and etiquette of diplomacy and subtlety. Having never been subtle or diplomatic, it's such a great feeling to meet someone who is the similar in approach- and hence probably the difference of opinion does not matter so much. Anyways i digress. Coming back to the point, we started talking about friends at work and friends in general. I heard her say that she loved Delhi as most of her friends were here and that it provided her with the right mix of aware people, of intellectuals, etc and these people came from varied backgrounds., some were from work, some from college and school. And we spoke about our favorite and not so favourite cities, the people and friendships. How cities probably end up defining people and vice-versa.
The very next day, i read an article on the time we spend at work and if it is possible to have friends at workplace.
These two things accidentally put me in a situation where i am forced to think about my friends and my definition of friendships. I remember a time when i thought i had many many friends. There were so many, so many lives that were a part of mine and i was a part of theirs. It was almost interwoven. Everything that happened to us- seemed to happen to all of us together as we all were influenced by it some way or the other. Maybe , what influenced us then were biding in nature by virtue of being collective experiences, we learnt from each other, spoke to each other. Or may be our worlds were so small, both in size and length that everything became hoarding of stories and memories even if it was stealing moments from someone else's experiences, as if we had been there ourselves. In some ways, we were. We fought, we made up, we fought some more- but nothing ever gave us the indication (though the books we read told us growing up wasn't fun) that we would be a part of the grown up, adult world where friends and friendships and different meanings and that those set that were the world then would become so insignificant eventually. I wonder what i would have done if i knew, if i believed it would all be insignificant, or at least so not" best friends forever" . Would i have behaved differently? Would i have been indifferent?
Moving on, today , i find it so so difficult to make friends. Many times when there seem to be friendships of some sort, they seem to fizzle out eventually. Some become friends despite my wanting to keep everyone away- from strictly acquaintances and colleagues to someone i can talk to, share with. I blame myself- that maybe i don't invest enough, don't give enough, maybe a defense mechanism of finding and losing- but at the end of the day, i do want to have good friends. Don't i?
And that brings me down to the bottomline- who do i define as a friend? That feeling of nostalgia when i speak to my school friends (the first ones to qualify that word), or that part of recognition of mutual likes and thoughts, or is it sharing and trusting (But that comes much later, doesn't it?). Yeah, it seems complex when i want to write about something really simple. How do we make friends? Who do we keep as friends? Do i regret that some people i thought were important aren't in touch anymore? A pang, yes. Devastation- no. I know we have each moved on in our lives and grown up to be very different people.
That is a thought, isn't it? Maybe, we are meant to move on, to become different people. I know some people who feel guilty of change, of becoming new people. Maybe a reason they shy away? Now that i think about it, maybe that is one of the causes with some. I remember some people looking at me with incredulity saying they can't believe i said something today that i would have never said before. They say i have changed , like almost an accusation. But i can deal with it. I had a certain value system that i have moved from- they no longer remain values for me, and i am comfortable with them. I believe i am meant to change as i should. As i explore the outside world, i dig in deep inside for things i want to believe it, question my own thoughts and values and judgements and change as per my understanding and perception of both these inner and outer worlds . I am definitely not apologetic for that.
And that brings me down to the bottomline- who do i define as a friend? That feeling of nostalgia when i speak to my school friends (the first ones to qualify that word), or that part of recognition of mutual likes and thoughts, or is it sharing and trusting (But that comes much later, doesn't it?). Yeah, it seems complex when i want to write about something really simple. How do we make friends? Who do we keep as friends? Do i regret that some people i thought were important aren't in touch anymore? A pang, yes. Devastation- no. I know we have each moved on in our lives and grown up to be very different people.
That is a thought, isn't it? Maybe, we are meant to move on, to become different people. I know some people who feel guilty of change, of becoming new people. Maybe a reason they shy away? Now that i think about it, maybe that is one of the causes with some. I remember some people looking at me with incredulity saying they can't believe i said something today that i would have never said before. They say i have changed , like almost an accusation. But i can deal with it. I had a certain value system that i have moved from- they no longer remain values for me, and i am comfortable with them. I believe i am meant to change as i should. As i explore the outside world, i dig in deep inside for things i want to believe it, question my own thoughts and values and judgements and change as per my understanding and perception of both these inner and outer worlds . I am definitely not apologetic for that.
But maybe some are. And i understand that as well. I don't judge them. I would still be friends , at least i would like to, because only then i would understand a different point of view, a different way of the world. I do not believe we need to like and feel the same things to be friends. In fact today a handful that i have left are so so different in thoughts, geographies, perceptions that it seems surprising in theory that we could be friends at all. And probably those are the friends i look for. The ones who understand that it's ok to be different, it ok to change, to evolve. Ones that are honest to themselves and others. Those that do not hide behind ambiguity of unsaid things. Ones who look beyond .
And i continue to question , in the meanwhile, my role in moving away or falling apart with so many people who i thought were friends or who definitely had a potential.
And i continue to question , in the meanwhile, my role in moving away or falling apart with so many people who i thought were friends or who definitely had a potential.
To my friends and friendships.
