Life has a strange way of surprising you..teaching you..and telling you..that all that you had all figured out and laid out on a platter..well, that wasn't all.life turns your life topsy turvy just when you thought you had found your rhythm, found your peace.Just when i was writing about patterns in life and fighting and arguing that i see patterns in almost everything, life surprised me again.
i lost my wallet day before yesterday during my travel..the daily mumbai local routine from lower parel to navi mumbai.traversing daily from western to central to harbour line.changing trains at the most crowded and dangerous platforms.it carried all my important documents: my passport, my identity cards from office,my debit and atm cards, my membership cards,some cash and my sodexo vouchers.
It has happened to me a lot of times..a pattern probably..but again , maybe just my ridiculous search for a sequence, a pattern. i digress. As i was saying, most times when something has gone wrong i get a premonition. I am a great believer of karma. I believe that if i do something that i feel is not right, it comes back to me, in a certainly certain way.
I feel this happened because of a few things. The first was my arguments and my stubbornness in my trying to find patterns and taking an almost insolent stand with my husband to justify that. Even when i was doing that, i was in realisation of my stupidity but i went on with it anyway. The second was my role in firing someone in my new workplace. Even though i still did not know him much and my heart i believed that the decision seemed hurried, i did it because it was an organisational requirement or so it was justified by myself. The third, i was reading a book called "River Sutra" by Gita Mehta. There's a chapter that explained a billionaire renouncing his life to become a jain monk which had me thinking how i would feel if everything that made me comfortable was taken away from me. If i too was at a crossroad where i had to fight my lone battle. Where i too was faced with challenges that were too big for me. How would i react? How would i behave? How would i feel?
When i got down from the autorickshaw infront of my building, i realised i did not even have a single rupee on me, not even to pay for the rickshaw,. i borrowed money from the watchman, went home , got the money from my piggy bank and went back to my office, all the way. And as i did, praying that i had left my wallet in my drawer i was pushed, squeezed, stepped on, caught between a crossfire, an eternal wait for a train just 3 minutes from my office due to faulty announcements when i just couldn't run anymore, everything that could go wrong, going wrong...walking till my office, in my heart knowing i wouldn't find my wallet anymore, coming back yet again , all in the rush hour from 5.30 till 10 pm not even sitting down for a minute, all alone..
The police station visits, the calls to banks, going to sleep at 3, waking up early to do the cooking for a long planned party, running to banks to get duplicate cards, attending a session with friends and coming back home to finish cooking before the guests arrived. In the meanwhile fighting with myself and trying not to have violent outbursts and not succeeding at all.
There was life-smiling its mischievous smile..answering my questions, questioning my insolence..there was life showing me a mirror..telling me that i still am not that strong as i imagined.that even a superwoman can feel broken and feel like giving up everything. That most strong of people have their weak moments when you want to just let go and lean on a pair of shoulders.
i also learnt, i'm still the same girl i always was. I still accept my failures and take responsibilities for things i did wrong. I am still questioning myself. I am still changing myself.
I do not know what i will do tomorrow, but today a small incident has shown me that life is a mystery and i can just let it unfold.The wallet is gone. It may just come back. I may just wake up and find that someone's put it on my doorstep. Like many times when i have learnt my lesson , all things may turn out right..or maybe not..I today see it as a speed breaker..a nuisance in the fast lane lane but necessary to save you from an accident...
