Sunday, May 27, 2012

Some days

Some days, i'm just done. Done with the craziness, the lies, the insensitivity, the expectations, the everything.

And those days are almost always like 'some days' . i want to move on. Anything anyone says is like a falsetto, only less musical. A cacophony. A phoney. Who phoney? Me phoney? Me phoney. i feel like a phoney. Every word i say, i write, i don't feel the words. What i want to say, there are no words. What i feel, too basic for any word.

All false. Every word i read, it feels like an exaggeration, at effort, to look different, to catch the eye. It catches and then loses. No feeling. Every other person is trying to be. A wannabe. Please stop proving to me who you are. I seriously do not care. So do not try to impress me. I don't want to be impressed. I catch your false notes too easily. Do not shroud yourself in mystery. Please don't make the effort. I will not make an effort to disbelieve, Be yourself. I shall believe.

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with people. It is me. I have had my fill. I'm done. Can i become a bairaagi? A hermit? I'm too restless. Too much of myself. too much into myself to fit into that role. Where would i go anyways? No one and nothing will make me happy. Because i'm not happy with myself. This isn't what i am. This isn't what i want.

i live in between to extremes. Hopelessness, utter disillusionment with falsehood, with lies, with manipulation . And then some hope.

Today, i'm searching for some hope again. Hope i find some hope.