Ok, Not an apt title for a post being written after a such a long time. But what the hell. My husband once told me , never assume, because when you do , you make an "ass" of "u" and "me". And guess what? Every day i find that i live my life based on numerous assumptions and presumptions. Every thought, every action is a result of some assumption made , something presumed.
There was a person who told me i use a lot of "i" in my blog. So, i must be very self obsessed. Truth is, i am. I do not have the energy to make judgements on someone's ese's thoughts and actions and neither do i feel anyone else needs to carry the burden of mine. I have little faith in the collective thought. A collective thought is always a product of individual thinking and choice, even to become a part of the collective. So, i feel liable for noone, hence the lack of "we". I can be responsible only for myself, my thoughts and my action.
That brings me to my next idea. So, people judge. Naturally. I have heard various theories on this. The theory that i have most liked and cultivated is that, it is again an individual choice to judge, to assume. Also, if there is judgement on something or someone, at one level, it is always the desire to rationalise what you do not own or understand. Like what i am doing right now. I don't get judgement. So i rationalise. I need an answer so i make an assumption. But, to what outcome? Once the rationalisation is made, the assumption created, it is followed by a full stop. No seeking the truth. Just looking at something or someone from your own lens. Which, obviously, might be true. But , very obviously, might not as well.
Believe it or not, people have theories on me. Someone yesterday told me i should change jobs, because i'm not the person i used to be. Which again brings me to the next idea. Am i a product of circumstances or do i chose to become what i am in any circumstance. I believe it is the latter. I do not get too involved in circumstances . And as i am very "self obssessed" i feel like an audience to my own life. I look at what i think, how i act, what choices i make in those circumstances. But, very rarely is it an unconcious decision. Professionally, i might be boggled down by difficult people, by difficult situations, but how does it actually play out in my life, personally? I look at myself being difficult for other people as well. I do carry work home sometimes, but it's only the work. I don't feel obligated or responsible to anyone, except what in my mind, i've decided is my responsibility.
Personally, i do not have many friends. i might just say, i have none. I have zillions of "friends" who i share things with, i share some thoughts, i share some time, some moments. But that is all it is. They all might think that they own parts of me, and i'm sure they do, certain kind of importance at certain times. But after a point, no one owns me completely as i own no one. I do seek companions , but after a while, i feel bored or an intruder , a trespasser, i do not belong. I am , perhaps, momentary, if you could define a person like that. I live in fantastic moments. But they are moments. Some lasting seconds, like a familiar look on a stranger's face . Some parts of life are like long played out moments. I am, at the same time an actor and an audience. Even with people who are closest to me, i find judgements and assumptions made by all parties involved. I try to analyse if it is only me, if only i am an ant-society but i find everyone living in their own space and own time. For every action i make i am judged by someone. But as long as i don't feel accountable, i am not answerable for the judgement based on whatver assumptions and presumptions that person has made. Again, being close to someone is an assumption i make. It is in my mind. A person might tell you that s/he is close, you might think so, but in reality, what is the closeness but an assumption of the mind. Sometime's with the closest person, i get shunned or closed out, because i am not invited to share that moment, that space, that time. For that specific moment, i am a stranger to that person, however close s/he or i might claim to be.
But even after all the assumptions and presumptions, there's a torrent of new ideas, a breath of fresh cool air in a hot humid afternoon and I laugh internally at the assumptions i have made on different situations and have been proven wrong. I feel elated when i have to eat an humble pie because of something i had presumed. I feel cynical when something i had assumed is proven right. But even then, i look forward to the some times when i am wrong. It means, i still do not know. It therefore means, there is still hope. A reason to blog again, next time.
