Fading Memories

i have forgotten..do not know why i remembered it today..was it the blurred black and white picture of me and vicky on snow?was it pamuk's snow that brought it in?i do not know...

i have forgotten..


the softness of my mother's embrace
the security of my father's voice


my first memories are of Kasauli
but i do not remember how snow felt
do not remember how the snowflakes look


are they pure white like a virgin's veil?
or dulled white like your white shirt
that i washed with the green brown bandhni chunni
and the colours stuck..

are they like this dull ache in my heart?
or bright as the hope that burns in it?
or has it been dimmed by the lost moments
of hurts gathered, of relationships lost..

was it cold like the ice in the fridge?
or did it feel warm on my sweater?
or did it melt into water when i held it in my hand
no i do not remember...

but i remember i was happy
with the snowmen we made

i know one was mine
every kid had one..

i remember i also lost my first doll's left shoe there
i remember riding on people's shoulders to monkey point
i remember i was happy..

i remember the vision
and sometimes think it
but i have forgotten to be happy..
i have forgotten..