Friday, October 16, 2015

Friends and Friendships

Some things hit you when you are least prepared and leave you stunned. 

We were visiting some "new" friends a few days back. I say new  and i say friends because they have come into my life recently, i see and feel a definite connect, a similarity in thoughts and experiences  to some extent but most of all having the feeling that i can talk freely, with the trust that you will have an objective point of view, with least regard for social norms and etiquette of diplomacy and subtlety. Having never been subtle or diplomatic, it's such a great feeling to meet someone who is the similar in approach- and hence probably the difference of opinion does not matter so much. Anyways i digress. Coming back to the point, we started talking about friends at work and friends in general.  I heard her say that she loved Delhi as most of her friends were here and that it provided her with the right mix of aware people, of intellectuals, etc and these people came  from varied backgrounds., some were from work, some from college and school. And we spoke about our favorite and not so favourite cities, the people and friendships. How cities probably end up defining people and vice-versa.

The very next day, i read an article on the time we spend at work and if it is possible to have friends at workplace. 

These two things accidentally put me in a situation where i am forced to think about my friends and my definition of friendships. I remember a time when i thought i had many many friends. There were so many, so many lives that were a part of mine and i was  a part of theirs. It was almost interwoven. Everything that happened to us- seemed to happen to all of us together as we all were influenced by it some way or the other. Maybe , what influenced us then were biding in nature by virtue of being collective experiences, we learnt from each other, spoke to each other. Or may be our worlds were so small, both in size and length that everything became hoarding of stories and memories even if it was stealing moments from someone else's experiences, as if we had been there ourselves. In some ways, we were. We fought, we made up, we fought some more- but nothing ever gave us the indication (though the books we read told us growing up wasn't fun) that we would be a part of the grown up, adult world where friends and friendships and different meanings and that those set that were the world then would become so insignificant eventually. I wonder what i would have done if i knew, if i believed it would all be insignificant, or at least so not" best friends forever" . Would i have behaved differently? Would i have been indifferent?

Moving on, today , i find it so so difficult to make friends. Many times when there seem to be friendships of some sort, they seem to fizzle out eventually. Some become friends despite my wanting to keep everyone away- from strictly acquaintances and colleagues to someone i can talk to, share with. I blame myself- that maybe i don't invest enough, don't give enough, maybe a defense mechanism of finding and losing- but at the end of the day, i do want to have good friends. Don't i?

And that brings me down to the bottomline- who do i define as a friend? That feeling of nostalgia when i speak to my school friends (the first ones to qualify that word), or that part of recognition of mutual likes and thoughts, or is it sharing and trusting (But that comes much later, doesn't it?). Yeah, it seems complex when i want to write about something really simple. How do we make friends? Who do we keep as friends? Do i regret that some people i thought were important aren't in touch anymore? A pang, yes. Devastation- no. I know we have each moved on in our lives and grown up to be very different people.

That is a thought, isn't it? Maybe, we are meant to move on, to become different people. I know some people who feel guilty of change, of becoming new people. Maybe a reason they shy away? Now that i think about it, maybe that is one of the causes with some. I remember some people looking at me with incredulity saying they can't believe i said something today that i would have never said before.  They say i have changed , like almost an accusation. But i can deal with it. I had a certain value system that i have moved from- they no longer remain values for me, and i am comfortable with them. I believe i am meant to change as i should. As i explore the outside world, i dig in deep inside for things i want to believe it, question my own thoughts and values and judgements and change as per my understanding and perception of both these inner and outer worlds . I am definitely not apologetic for that. 

But maybe some are. And i understand that as well.  I don't judge them. I would still be friends , at least i would like to, because only then i would understand a different point of view, a different way of the world. I do not believe we need to like and feel the same things to be friends. In fact today a handful that i have left are so so different in thoughts, geographies, perceptions that it seems surprising in theory that we could be friends at all. And probably those are the friends i look for. The ones who understand that it's ok to be different, it ok to change, to evolve. Ones that are honest to themselves and others. Those that do not hide behind ambiguity of unsaid things. Ones who look beyond .

And i continue to question , in the meanwhile, my role in moving away or falling apart with so many people who i thought were friends or who definitely had a potential.

To my friends and friendships.


Friday, October 2, 2015

Chivalry, Chauvanism and other things.

Two things bring up this post, amongst others.

I usually take the aisle seat in a plane, helps me stretch my legs and walk about, should i want to , without disturbing the co-passengers. As is usual in India, as soon as the wheels hit the tarmac, people open their seat belts and are ready to jump out . My neighbor , one on the middle seat , seemed to be in a bigger hurry than usual. He stepped on me and i offered to make space once the flight had stopped taxiing. And i did. As i waited patiently for him and his father to alight  who were without a regard for other people, i saw a couple on the other side of the aisle . The man was physically showing concern for the safety of his wife by guarding her body with his own, cocooning her. The wife seemed to be grateful. as i stood waiting , i scrolled down my emails and social media- more by habit that real interest- and the first thing on the timeline was this :

http://www.storypick.com/habits-of-chivalry

Got me thinking seriously about a couple of things. Firstly, how men behave or have been conditioned to behave with women, and how that behavior varies from a woman you are related to and a stranger.  This is a general debate and i let you to think about it in depth and have your own interpretation and analysis.

The second one was more personal and hence i would like to delve into it a little bit further. i am a feminist. i wonder if that is a difficult thing to live with. I have a husband who is also a feminist- a fact that is probably at the base of why we are still married. My husband is  feminist in thought but still to traverse the action part and i think i make it very difficult for him  to breathe even at times. I goad him, rile him and simple issues become feminist debates. From simple things like why when both work, housework still remains a female dominion to large discussions on perceptions, moralities and stereotypes. When i saw that couple, i wondered about my own reaction. Would i be as coy and demure as that girl? what a joke, right? i would look at my husband with every bit of sarcasm and tell him to protect the society through his actions than creating a physical wall to protect me. And it would lead to another argument or not. The point being, for men who are taught to communicate to women in that particular way, of being protectors, the hunting gathering men, what happens when roles change and evolve? How do men then express their care to feminist women like me? Same men who have been conditioned to never show the emotional side, be strong, be pillars and the bleh. Must be difficult. I am sure it is.

But i guess it's a struggle that this generation of men will also have to learn to live with. These are the men who made a conscious choice to be different, to be married to strong women with a mind and heart of their own, who refuse to be tied down by stereotypes. And i think, we will find our ways to express our love for each other, that is not opening the doors (for the other), except when it is to a new thought.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Turning Thirty Five

life has indeed come  a long way. long long way in a cycle. every year i reach my birthday , i do a standard introspection exercise and see three standard things. Awe of things that have happened in the past year that i have had a hand in, things i wanted to do and couldn't and some things that never change. every year.

now that this year is another important milestone, i have a list in no particular order till the next milestone (the 40th?)which may fall in either three categories above at that point.

- have  a baby
- climb the everest
- write that stupid book that been in my head the past 20 years
- get fit (sigh!)
- get another furry mad child as caezii
-  not grow up
- grow up a little
- get that passport stamped and the jinx broken
- do something nice for the family
- fall in love (if possible with the same man again and again)
- unclutter and go minimalist
- hoard more sarees
- go bald


and obviously the misc.

Happy Birthday to me! see you on the other side after a week long party to usher in the thirty fifth!


Saturday, May 2, 2015

Procrastination

the book i started still to be finished
the words still to be written
sometimes words fail
sometimes i fail

but i get up
to write and make sense of the confusion
sometimes i just let others scribble
let others inspire

i pick up to finish 
that book i started months back
reading the previous few pages
from the bookmark
and then give up

i hold the brush
and brush away the cobwebs
but the illustrations are still not done
my palette is full
the colours not yet right

i leave behind the unfinished post
the unfinished painting
an unfinished thought
a conversation is left hanging

tomorrow i shall complete it
yes tomorrow.

Nepal

somewhere an inch moved
a beautiful world lays in ruins
lost lives under rubbles
a child, a man, a woman
a calf, a pup, a kitten

history that had been created over centuries
lies in heap in present
wiped away from future
in a flash of a second

the petulant children
continue to live in complacence
unbothered about the ruin
they probably caused
they shudder for a second
thank their stars
it wasn't them
and move on

angry nature
crushed a country
lashes it over and over
with tears of anguish
people living under the make shift houses
wince in her fury

but hope still lives
strength still lives
in the pained eyes
in the new crops
lush green
in the background

Saturday, March 28, 2015

For love of poetry and other things

कभी वापस आऊं
तो दरवाज़े पर तुम मिलो
उस शायरी की तरह
जो कुछ मौकों पर
वापस आ  जाती है लबों पर

तुम भी यही सोचते हो ना ?

पता नहीं साल कहाँ जाते हैं
कहाँ जाते हैं ख़्वाब
बस लम्हे होते हैं
फ़िर उन लम्हों की यादें

फिर धीरे धीरे लम्हें नहीं बनते
हर लम्हा हम कहीं खो जो जाते हैं
राहों में , दफ्तर में , टीवी में, पेपर में
लम्हे नहीं बना पाते जिसके ख्वाब बुने थे

रिवाज़ों को तोड़ने की फ़िराक़ है आज
लम्हों को बना लें
अब तुम आओ  तो दरवाज़े पर मिलूंगी
सिज़र के साथ