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Life..The search for it's meaning..What is it?? Why is it??Is there a duality in everything or do i see it that way?

The Hindu philosophy of Karma, of birth and re-birth, of acquired "phala" or "sanskara" ..on one hand where we are told that your "karma" or your deeds will give you results , the good karma- good results and vice versa..and on the other you're asked not to think about the results. Buddha said, "desire is the the base of all evils"..But is it really possible to live without desire? And i don't mean the desire in a materialistic sort of way..A want for "nirvana" or "salvation"..of doing good deeds because you strive for ultimate happiness and freedom from the "kala chakras" or births and re-births..isn't that a desire too?

The Buddhist philosophy of "shunyata" or whatever you do has effect on everyone.Every thing is connected is some way..So what you do here has a rippling effect on everyone else..

The ancient philosophy where there is duality of existence- of good and evil..of death and birth , of man and woman..where it is believed that everything has to be in balance..

What is it that i believe? And why? It is so easy to believe in something and create the conviction and arguments to support it..But why, i digress??

Is there something which is the pure truth? Belief in God for instance. Yes, i believe in god..But i do not know the nature of God..i do not know the gender..i do not know if calling God a 'she' will make me a pagan..i do not know calling god "him" makes any sense either.. i do not know who it is i believe in..who it is that runs the world and the actions therein..does he really guide us in everything we do? Or is god "sthula' or 'dormant' looking at everything with detachment..

Detachment-Yes that's another word that keeps cropping up. We are told it is all Maya. If this is maya why has god created it? If we are asked to be detached, shouldn't attachment of all kinds be bad including the attachment to god?

If the ultimate truth is to love unconditionally, to accept, to be sympathetic, why are these very things almost always brushed under the carpet? Why is it shameful to cry? Why is it "weakness" to show your love? Why do people run from the word "commitment"? Why are they scared to show that they "love"?

i really have tried finding a bad man in my life..but i'm still to find one..Every person in my life has had so much of goodness in them..Yes..some have been confused...and have had their own way of looking at life..but does that make them bad or any person good?? Who in the world wants and strives to be bad??

i do not know..i have too many questions..in the meanwhile i'm branded as a being too Utopian, too vulnerable, to open to hurt and have some fiercely protective people around..

as if they can save me from my share of hurt..as if they have any say in what i do..as if i'll ever change..i love the way my life is..i love the hurt and pain i've gone through because that is what has made me what i am..i wouldn't ever change any part of my life because every moment has been a lesson..

yes i've had scars..but i'm very proud of them..

Maybe this post does not make sense..but that's because a lot of things don't actually make sense..we still run after the things materialistic because that's what we've been told is the best even though we all know we'll finally be a part of the water, earth, sky, fire and ether depending on the way we are cremated..We fear losing things we hold close even though we know nothing's permanent..

That's Maya??

And what isn't?