The Seventh Season!!!

You dial the digits which you say is the sequence of numbers you remember better than your ATM password and give a call to me after five years. Why, i have no idea and neither do you.

You say i still love you. You say it's more than ever. And i confess, i do not know. The love that was is a moment frozen in time. I admit i outdid myself in loving you and swore it would be eternity before it died.

I do not know if it died. Or just went to sleep. I say i have changed. You say i'm still the same. I do not know which is worse.

I had moved from one time to the other, from one relationship to another before we met, in search for that "love" which i thought would never find. I haven't found it since either. You say i don't want to find it. You should know. Weren't we called a phenomenon? Wasn't there a time when words were such stupid unnecessities in communication? Wasn't a look enough to know what the other as thinking?Wasn't there a time when it was always "we" and never an "i"? You say i should move on. I say i have and you don't believe me. I am bored really. Nothing, no one to be precise, manages to hold my attention for more than a few days. Sometimes there's a sudden promise of depth and i try my best to make it work but it always turns out shallow. Is it their failing or is it mine? Now that i look at it, i realise i never try to keep my side of the bargain. I just don't connect. You know i'm not unhappy. Far from it. I'm happy and satisfied. I love my work and i don't feel the need to get into a relationship now. You say i still love you...

But what difference does it make? i could have called you too and i would be lying if i said i didn't want to. I did. Oh so much that it ached till i could bear it no longer. Just to hear the sound of your voice, to see the look in your eyes. But i knew it wasn't the thing that could change anything.

You know i hated you once. But it was never enough to wipe the love i felt. I still haven't understood if it was my love i felt or yours i knew. If someone mentioned your name it was a fresh wound in my heart. Oh god, it still is. To see the same eyes, and the same look.To see the reflection of the love i felt and the pain still hidden behind that smile.I could hate you but i don't have the urge anymore. I have tried and failed. We are not together not because i loved you less or you ceased to love me . As if that can ever happen. But because that was a decision you took for your family and that's just another reason i loved you for. I know you'll never read this and if you do it will just be a testimony to what you already know.But when was there a need for one? The similar people that we are nothing needs to be proven to each other.

We pass each other on the street after such a long time and you still look at me as if the five years never happened. You smile and all wrongs are forgiven. And that is my space with you. I know and you do too that the vacuum will never cease and the blank spaces will always remain. And we both know it will never be right again. Not in the sense the world wants it to be.

********

She woke up with a start. She knew it was a dream. She knew he would never call. She knew he was like her.

She knew it was just one of those days.

Happy Birthday!!!

********

Happy Republic Day!!!

It has been raining continuously since three days.The clouds have settled on the roads, houses and streets and it's difficult to see beyond a few metres. The temperatures are hanging between 4 to 7 degrees and as i type my fingers feel like stiff long pencils.

And still as we unfurl the tricolour in the rain and sing our national anthem, it makes me proud being an Indian.

The least we can do on this day is think about all we went through to achieve independence and after three years of meticulous preparations became a sovereign republic on this day.In our race for god knows what we cannot forget that we are what we are because we are Indians. I would never change this for anything. Call me a romantic, call me stupid, but i know deep inside all of us love our country. Every time our country scores a point in any field our hearts swell with pride..We get angry when we see an injuctice being dished out, when we see the dirt, pollution, inequality,injustice,callousness, intolerance but atleast we know in our country we have a right to be angry and that our voice will be heard..There may be a thousand reasons why we-are-not-proud-to-be-an-Indian but million others why we are.

Let us keep our country safe and cherish what we have.

To the best people in the world, to the best country that holds them together..A Happy Republic Day .

We all miss you

After four weeks of a new relationship we had to say our goodbyes. It was great having you here. Virag you taught us a lot about organisational changes happening throughout the world and it was a pleasure to have you here. For those who don't now, Virag , a Hungarian, was an animal rights activist working in an international NGO in London. She came here with her boyfriend Joszef and they travelled a lot of India before coming here. We were introduced sometime in September 2007 and she was looking for an NGO to volunteer for a few weeks.

She chose us. She knows her reasons best but whatever they are, i'm thankful for them. Had she not come, i would not have understood my own need to change the structures at our organisation because it did not seem right. Also she re-affirmed my pride in India and the thing everyone accused me of having :eternal optimism. Joszef helped us put up a concrete plan for fund raising because who ever has ever worked with NGOs knows what a problem that can become. With his degree in psychology from London, he also helped out counsellors wing to brush their skills.

But besides the professional know how, it was their interest in India that had me stumped as well as their inherent pride in their own country: Hungary. They have read all the books i could think of about India, its culture, its history, its society, travelled from Chennei to Kashmir, from Pushkar to Orissa. I'm ashamed to admit but i haven't been to places where they have be . They share every work as equals. Their love for each other, the care and dreams of a future together make you want to fall in love . Joszef's sense of humour, Virag's shyness and permanent smile is etched in our hearts.

We all miss you. Thank You Virag and Jo. This is from all of us here. We had a great month and hope you did too.

And yes, everyone is still digesting that you have finally gone. The food misses you too.

Have a great life.

The roles we play!!!

Sakhshi (not her real name) is 11 years old.

Her father died before she knew what a father meant. Her mother committed suicide when Shakshi was just about 9. The reason: she couldn't take in the accusations by everyone around of being a bad omen and incessantly accused of being the reason her husband died. People wouldn't even look at her because that would bring bad luck for the day . And what's more- she had two daughters and had failed to produce a son.

Orphaned along with her two years older sister, and with no one to look after her, Shakshi was sent to their maternal uncle's house. Both of them worked like domestic helps doing all the cleaning, washing and cooking and of course no love, acceptance, education or payment for all they did.

On a day she fell sick she was taken to a doctor who took pity on the sisters and hired them to work in their houses, one for his family and the other for his in-law's place. Does it need mention that their monthly salary of Rs 200 went to their uncles? I think not.

After a few days of work Shakshi was sexually abused every day by the doctor for 6 months and when she couldn't take it anymore she told about it to the doctor's wife. The doctor's wife beat her up and accused her of lying and threw her out of her house.All the neighbours were also told about what she had done and they finally branded her as being mentally unstable. The kid all of 11 years , walked for miles, with tears running down her cheeks with no-one to turn to and reached the place where her sister was working. She told her what had happened and when her elder sister tried confronting the family, she too was asked to leave the place immediately.

The two sisters were found by a person passing by, under a tree , huddled together and crying . And that is how they came to us, scared, hungry and probably permanently scarred for their lives.

Does this make you angry?

This is not the only story. We have 78 such stories filed neatly in files in our SWADHAR Home, a Shelter Home for women in distress which provides shelter to such women and takes care of the emotional and psychological needs, the medical needs and also initiates legal steps to bring justice to the women wronged. In the meanwhile besides the counselling they are also provided with vocational trainings so that when they go back to the society they have something to fall back on. Throughout last week we were doing the an assessment of all our programmes individually and the organisation as a whole and we tried to analyse our objective as a leading NGO in Orissa. One day was for SWADHAR and we tried assessing its role and our objectives. Was it to provide shelter to women only and the medico-legal and psychological counselling?

Is that the solution that we are seeking? Is that the issue at all?

We started with a rich picture which charted the journey of a woman and believe me it doesn't end at a shelter home. A shelter home can be a temporary arrangement and she can never make this her home. And if she did, i'm not sorry to say that surely will not be healthy, either for the woman or the society. It can only facilitate the process to get justice and try to ease her pain and give her the confidence to face the world and overcome the emotional and sometimes physical battering she has received.

That girl would not have had to face all that she did if she had found some sympathy at any step of her journey- at her own village, at her uncle's place, at the doctor's house , with his wife or at any of the "Mahila and Shishu desks" in every district or any other place which could have stopped what happened to this tiny girl. And better still, her mother would have not committed suicide driven to despair by the callousness of the society.

We see violence against women in so many areas, with so many faces and be it Guwahati or Konark or Mumbai, the cause is much beyond not providing safety to women. When last week we sat down with our counsellors and managers for the annual evaluation and objective analysis the picture was far from what first met the eye.

When we drew a problem tree where on the surface we had a woman on the streets without the family support and tried to reach the roots, which really wasn't easy because one would say it was lack of awareness, education, poverty , physical weakness and the rest but gradually it went down to a society where we still have a deep rooted patriarchy, where women still have to carry a stigma if there is any deviance in their perceived and society designated roles. Call it hypocrisy, call it multiple standards but it is there for you to see.

Men do not wear Indian dhotis and kurtas anymore, at least not on a daily basis but a woman has to confirm to the Salwars and Sarees and if she wears jeans pretend that she likes Salwars and Sarees more. A woman who leaves her husband or the other way is ridiculed and shamed at every suitable occasion. A woman who drives a car/bike depending on which place you live in is sure to attract some incredulous looks.A woman has to adjust and sacrifice if she has a violent husband who beats her up and never talk about it to anyone and turn up smiling and understanding the next morning. God help a woman whose husband dies before she does. You would say that sati is only some stray occurrence in backward areas, but if you look closer you will find her burning in a social pyre every day . Brides are still being burnt for dowry as if she was a burden and had to be paid off.

We have 6 million girl children missing from our population and the female ratio is declining, more so in the high literacy and high growth states with Punjab, Haryana, Gujurat and Maharashtra leading the list. From 976 females per 1000 males in 1961 it has come down to 927 in 2007 and is decreasing at an alarming speed. If you think that wasn't shock enough, think of this: There are presently 24 Districts in India which have a female ratio less than 800 and they are all in so-called developed states. Wasn't education supposed to empower women? So what happened?What is it that going wrong? Does social stigma and patriarchy ring any bells?

If you still don't get the implications think about these : Think about the 6 million guys who won't have a partner. What will they do? Do you think they will turn yogis? Definitely not. They will borrow from the future generation, old men will get married to kids, one woman will have many husbands, the kidnappings and women trafficking will increase and no, women will not have better respect. We just might usher in the purdah system and women might again end up in the confines of homes without education or a share in development process.

When we drew the objective tree, the vision we have set for ourselves was quite clear: We wanted "A society where a woman lives with respect and dignity , has equal opportunities in every sphere, has the freedom and independence to take decisions about herself, is an equal partner in development and democracy". Sounds like a lot doesn't it? But is it too much to ask for? In a country whose basic constitution is based on equality?

As we started finding out structures it became evident that the support systems like police stations, courts, punishment of the guilty, early justice, swift action were relevant but more important were building the base with education, health and economic development of the women and at the same time working on removing the traditional stigma that exists where women are judged based on primitive and traditional roles played by them.

I do not think we can change it in a day. Like any disease it is all right to provide medicines once you fall sick and having the right medicines but what is important is to not fall sick at all. But once we start thinking about the problems and realise that the solutions go much further than providing the curative care and is more about preventing such occurrences and promoting better practices by society i think we can go a long way. We have to start preparing the society for the change that will evidently happen and the roles will surely change.

[Photographs are of the candle lighting done by hundreds of women during celebration of "End Violence against Women" on December 10th'2007 as a part of 16 days activism to stop VAW.More than a thousand candles were lighted by women who came from different walks of life. ]

An open letter to Mr/Ms X

To

Mr / Ms /Madame X, Y and Z

Behind the counters

At the boutique, eateries,cinema halls, the kirana store,and pretty much anywhere behind any counter

Any place in the galaxy

Dear Mr / Ms /Madame X, Y and Z

I'm sure people do give you a hard time every time they visit you. I'm sure you feel like throwing glasses of water and mugs of anything you have in your hand every time you take an order. I'm also very confident you have an urge to strangle the vocal chords of the person who owns the voice which returned the "any"thing made by you, either to be changed, replaced or altered.

But hey, what were you expecting ? You didn't become a manager, tailor, developer, waiter, or any counter owner, waiting every person you cater to to heap accolades on you, did you? Specially when you have actually spoilt something awaited eagerly by the people foolish enough to believe in you? Not that you are bestowing some kind of favour on the people. You also charge exuberant sums to do it on time and people actually schedule visits to accommodate your convenience, They take pains to be nice and cordial, because i doubt they want to end up with burnt cheeks, in more ways than you think. Or a dress tucked with safety pins at your D-day.Make no mistake, you are up-above in the same list as the gods because you create, or destroy us with a click of your fingers.

And because you know it, you just act as if you own the world.

Which probably you do . But do not make mistake sirs: not the dignity of the people. No reason, which includes a bad hair day, a fight with your wife, a mother-in-law at home or PMS, gives you the right to behave haughtily or arrogantly. People go to you to get a work done. No they do not want to build relationships with you unlike what you guys claim. You might put up hoarding saying you value customer relation but i guess the small writing on it says "* conditions apply".

No, i don't want a bleach on my face because i'm allergic to all kinds of chemicals even though you swear it will make me beautiful. No, i don't want extra toppings on my anything or coffee with milk which comes from the machine and carries a price tag of forty rupees only because you are "Pizza Hut" . I did want Paprika though, at least the name of the shop where you got it from. But "Dear Manager" had an attitude but no "right" to go with it. No , i don't want to know what happened to the server but only want our website which should have been done in 15 days but has taken more than 6 months and still is no where near completion. No i don't want to wear the design you made with my khadi just because it is in but only the design i gave you. And i specially want none of it when it comes with dollops of attitude, when you don't take instructions given to you and behave as if it is people's mistake. I might be too mild to show it but just don't take it too far. The next time you might not be too lucky and the next time it might not be a blog.

eetz gold eear!!!!

Nah..no one's got a "gold" ear..It's the freaking cold around this part of the world..My throat's croaking like Vikram Seth's frog, there are two perennial riverlets running down from the viscinity of my nose..Don't know if it's still there because i can't smell anything anymore...It was so sore a few days back from wiping that i've stopped feeling it anymore..also realised i had fever sometime in the past few days but not very sure when..The realisation deemed only when i had one of those fever blisters on my lips..My feet have forgotton what heat was..Even though i try to keep them in thick socks..nothing changes except the number of clothing i put on..My vocal chords have gone for a yuvi brand six and my voice has become permanently husky..I'm also not very sure if i'm ever going to get back my voice.

The north India is freezing as is some people's blood.. The news say it'll be like this till february second week. I can't help but think about the people who live on streets, the kids who have no place to call home except the platforms and footpaths. And the millions of others who don't have a good fire or a proper roof on their heads. Who was that guy screaming about the water heater not working and the AC not heating up properly?

I wish all those people without any shelter have a better year and the warmth of some good people around to help them fight the this biting cold.

I'm feeling cold. From what, i don't know. Brr...why can't i do something ?

I have a good feeling..

I live by my gut feelings and intuitions. And this year i really have a good feeling about it.

Last year started on the wrong foot and the whole year was a follow up on that.

On the political front , it was literally bang bang bang..from Kashmir to Ram Sethu, from Gujjars of Rajasthan and Gujjus of Modi's Gujurat to burning Mizoram and tense Guwahati, from twin blasts in Lucknow and Hyderabad to the Nondigram and Prashant Tamang. The last audible bang was with which went forever one of the most charismatic women leaders of this era. I realised in the game of politics, the game is more important for the powerful, the powerless and the powers that were than running a polity itself. I realised the US can play the big bully till the moment we gather the guts to fight it. That also needs courage and conviction which somehow has become as rare as the white gibbon but soon can become a dodo if we don't start looking for it now.But no one had in their dreams imagined India and somewhat China, the market-led-capitalist communist country , if there was any, go shooting in the international arena, past all speculations and predictions of the "futurists". Didn't the sensex have a bull-run past all expectations?But we still had the stories of poverty and unemployment, but that was totally behind the scenes. Until we realise that our concepts of development need to change, you know where we can all end up.

On the other fronts, i lost that unflinching devotion to the Big B and SLB. There was the break up of Shahid-Kareena which made me sad because they made such a great pair and surprise hits in "Jab We Met" (just to rub in the irony, i guess) and "Chak De" and not-so-surprising flop in Sad-wariya. I realised we have some very good copy cats and the originals are only appreciated after they shun appreciation of all kinds. Also a few had imagined India , the written-off underdogs to be the world-champs in the fast food form of cricket.I still remember my friends' incredulity who had put up a bet where i was the only one scooting for India. The 'Chak De India" factor went beyond cricket for a change and hockey and footfall with sprinkles of tennis, chess,shooting and badminton thrown in, had their fare share at the India's hall of fame.

On the homestead there were blasts of a different kind. My family didn't give me a moment's peace and the only thing on their agenda was to see me married and sent off to that unknown land- lock, stock and god knows how many smoking and fuming barrels..Thankfully, i evaded all those. But just about it.

On the professional front, we overcame a lot of hurdles, some which we had anticipated and some just materialised at the most unlikely of places. We also graduated from the small hut which we were running as a school to our own building.We changed the entire look and feel of the office and shifted our strategy and involvement to more of lobby and advocacy and increased importance on the basic human rights.We started a lot of projects and wound up a few more..Eventful and still going strong.I became much more laid back and a stronger person.

On my personal front, it was mayhem as well. I consciously took a lot of decisions which hurt me initially but on the hindsight, i'm proud to have made them. I cut the threads of a lot of connections which had become umbilical. The severing was painful and yet very necessary for life to go on. I learned a few lessons and revised some more. I realised that my family is very important to me and i can be a lioness with her cubs when it comes to them. I realised i can do my best to make a relationship work and bear the hurt and pain to the point impossible. But once i call it quits there is no looking back. Don't know what kind that makes me but i am not bothered about it as you know, more confident than i already was, more a loner than ever. A lot happier and a shape of the road just visible. And the road was never very important for me , neither is it now. My god played elusive too or maybe it was me. The journey still continues and deep inside, i'm still questioning a lot of things in me and my world..i realised the only constant variable in life is change.

And another year on the calender has changed.

Another thing that has changed is my feeling about it. I really feel good. My instincts tell me this will be a good year. For all of us.

Have a great year ahead..

and once more..Make a difference, be the change and lead by example..The best of everything for everyone.