Never to forget.

How true. And how difficult.

Each of these short sentences is lifetime of work, commitment, practice and persistence. It is so easy not to love. Not to want to be loved anymore. To start feeling too significant in everything. To get used to the violence. To be boggled down by sadness. To be ok with shoddiness. To complicate simple things and vice versa. To confuse power with strength. To look away and not want to understand. And forget things, and moments and people.

Specially the last one. I keep forgetting. I always have. Some times, moments come back in flashes, and i wonder if it is a figment of my imagination, or if it really happened. I wonder why i remember the things i do. How and why certain memories are triggered more often than others. I also wonder on how lucky i am. To have had the privileges and moments i have had. To have had the opportunities of exposure to cultures, geographies, languages, places, people, work and relationships. Things that seemed to be the most difficult growing up, now seem like things that made me who i am.

No, it's not easy to remember. And it's hard not to want to forget.

The last few years have been really difficult, and the one crawling by right now, has been a trial. I have been pushed to a brink and silence at many fronts. Many times, i have questioned my sense of right and wrong. Does this come with growing old, or have i become more introspective than earlier? My ability to not judge has also been tested this year. When earlier, i could let go, this year, i have been a bit irritated , quietly so, and i have wondered why. I have questioned myself if i am right in being ok with someone's lack of initiative, or sensitivity, or just plain complacence. I question my role in creating that. Am i making people around me complacent? Am i not leading them right? Is it really my responsibility to lead? can i just follow. people have called me patient, mellow, quiet, words that i would never associate with myself earlier. Now they have become a part of me? I wonder why, i wonder how? Weird, these flow of words. i digress as usual. Or maybe it relates to love. The ability to love. To accept. To reject. The ability to be loved. Not the need. the ability. Of being. Of just being. As i am. And allowing love to happen. Not fight to be loved.

Which brings me to the violence. The violence that simmers.The violence that erupts. the violence that is building all around. But that is another post. No, i will never get used to that violence. Yes, another post later. the link between disparity, differences and violence. The imbalance that threatens to tip.

Am i complicating the simple? But when is all this simple? Work. personal life, relationships, emotions, processes, chaos.

Yes, in all the action and work, the fights and challenges, sometimes, it is easier to forget. It's easy to want not to remember. And as i look back , i realise many points, when i shouldn't have looked away, i should have put up a fight, when i shouldn't have kept silent. It is important. very important. I want a bit of my feistiness back. Diplomacy is gradually becoming a habit, which maybe  a good thing, but sometimes, i also need my impulsiveness, my anger to just be there. I like the evolution, but i'm not yet ready to let go of that me. So, a reminder, not to ever forget.