A ritual more than anything else.

so another year another year has passed me by. i realize i have become older, calm on the outside, patient and mature as well some say.

but there is a storm brewing inside. a tsunami maybe, by storm standards. it is churning the past few years in a fast pace and is at that point of puking it all out. And do not be fooled by false demeanors. beneath the calm and patient mask, there lurks a highly cynical and sarcastic impatient being that is smirking at everything, including my own responses. if you could tear off the mask, you would see an 'eyebrow-raised-smirk' face that doesn't give a dime to anyone or anything.

i believe we live in cycles. not concentric, more like a venn..some circles overlap with your past cycles, some more than other and some very detached. i also feel that we live in the current cycle more than the others- like if you color coded them- the past would be a lovely lavender, but hazy. the present a bright indigo and the future a soft haze of some color unknown. strangely, either ways you look, towards the past or the future, it's through a purple haze. i digress. the current cycle. yes, it takes over everything else, the bright indigo, making you feel this is life, today is living. not that cycles are bound by years or times, they have their own lives.but year ends somehow are the times you sit down for a short breath before you start on the next leg. circles- when you look at your life in hindsight, it so many different sized circles of lavender, or so many different shades. sitting in your indigo circle that overpowers everything in present you wonder if all those circles are yours, if all those lives are yours.

i also wonder sometimes, if someday i come to a crossroad and suddenly meet myself from years before- would i recognize her? would she recognize me? i know one thing though. if i met her some day i would hold her and cry to my heart's fill. just hold her tight and cry, cry till the warning goes off of another flood.

there i digress again. the year gone by. what have i achieved? what have i learnt? feels a bit empty the last year.usually i stock them up pretty tight. this year, it looks like a house of zen- minimalist. but it does not give me peace. It makes me feel empty. i feel empty of feelings, of doing anything meaningful for myself. i have pretty much lived my life on my own terms. but this year i feel like a zombie that went through the chores without even being a part of anything. i did not write a lot, i did not read many books, i did not watch that many movies, i did not travel that much, i did not do anything that makes me feel good. strangely, even the music was random strains of past songs that i couldn't carry the tune of. quite an empty year. even as i try to carry out this annual ritual , hoping that my mojo in writing will get back, i feel the churning , where words make no sense and bang into each other, creating a cacaphony making me nauseous..

the year will end. the cycle will end too. I hope this feeling of emptiness moves to that of calm.

Tamaso Ma Sad Gamaya. lead me to light from darkness.

Hush New Year!!!!

Another day of my life..and the world ushered in another year with the euphoria and optimism associated only with human race.

Are the "Happy New Year"s really important? Was it happy, the year that was? Or the years that have so swiftly and stealthily passed me by. I do not remember any of those which did not start with atleast a few crackers going off and people screaming and shouting the "Happy New Year" into my ears. I also do not remember how many of those have been really happy. On an afterthought, most of them look rosy and the last one just the worst of the abberations. Or maybe i'm just being the cynic i have become.

I'll remember the last year for so many things. Not the least because the world was rocked by the worst scandals on the economic front, not the least because Obama became the face of hope internationally. Also not because i laughed secretly when "Bush and the Shoe" remained the headlines for days bringing to expose the hidden desire of every country.

Not the least because when we were loosing ourselves in the euphoria of shining markets and glittery sensex, the bubble burst and brought us back to reality of an India that still had 70 % of it living in villages, who still had not had a decent or even an indecent education. Also not because our country still is last century in its health care. Not even because politics has suddely become the economics, geography and chemistry of the globe. Not also because i felt totally squeamish that it took a terrorist attack at the five star locations to awaken patrotism and not the Bhopal tragedy or the blatant corruption, or the lack of education or livelihood options. But yeah, at this time of cheer and hope, let's conviniently forget that all.

Why not ponder over the chemistry within and outside. For example the left and the "who is right" . Or with the "Big Brother America". Oops. Wrong subject again. The Geography , perhaps? Of maps of Kashmir- The chinese, the Indian, the Pakistani or the Big B's. Oh!! Not that too?

Last year i thought the year would be great, i had started on the right foot. But in India you start your initiatives with the left foot. So that probably spoilt it.

No, I'm not very proud of the year that was. Not very hopeful of the year that's just come in through the door. I always write a motto for myself on the forst page of my diary: The last year's said, " Make a difference, be the change and Lead by example.." And that was much before Obama's change song became the world's anthem..i really don't know if i kept up to that motto..Yes, i made a lot of "differences"..i have somehow changed from the girl i was to a woman, i'm not..and god forbid anyone ever follows me..i've set all the wrong examples!!!

And this year, the first date of my diary stares at me from its blank page..

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

The last Year: R.I.P.