Irritation

Now a days i get irritated very soon and as is wont, have been wondering what it means..

As usual, i start by writing what irritates me and then i'll come back to read it in a few days time to understand what it means..pick up Freud, or ask one of my friends who's an expert on these..

Lies. The first irritant. I can't stand it when people lie to me. This normally brings up the question, do i not lie? Yes , i do. I'm no Gandhi ji but i've had my experiment with lies. I have lied and haven't been able to carry it. It has weighed on me like a thousand stones and somehow, discreetly or indiscreetly , i've ended up confessing. And somehow, lies put me off like nothing else. I feel let down, humiliated and mistrusted.After that point i feel like getting back to that person with a lie overload, but i never can.

Holier-than-thou attitude: Yeah. You are holy. Much holier than me. Thank you. I don't follow your religion. Thank You again.

Manipulation: Someone had once told me human beings by nature are manipulative. There's passive manipulative, aggressive manipulative, coercive manipulative, hurt party manipulative, the list goes on. Of all manipulations,  the blatant, in your face, showing you my power and gloating over it manipulation takes the cake. The thing is you can't show them your middle finger even when that's all you want to do.

Taking advantage of the weak: Self explanatory. High irritant. 

Blissfully ignorant: there is ignorant and there is ignorant. When people wear their ignorance on their sleeves like a medal and take absolutely no initiative towards changing that status, well, it does get on your nerves. They can argue and argue for hours, sighting their ignorance every other minute but the expression of tone and face belying every sentence. They take pride in their ignorance . I'd at least go back, research, study, understand and then come back and argue. Yes, even if my point was right.

I don't know the exact english term for those people. in odia, we call them "galua". They hit back at you with the strangest logic. If you tell them, you don't like something, they come back say, on such and such date and situation "you" did the same. Or maybe, "what the heck if i did it, only people make mistakes, or i'm no god", and turn around to repeat the mistake.Yeah you know those people. Somehow i always want to stay away from those kinds but sadly they always catch up. Always do.

Being woken up after i sleep.Eating alone.: Both not in this context, but highly irritating nonetheless.

Bad body odour, stinking mouths and uncleanliness: For obvious reasons. The worst kind is when people do it and feel it is bohemian and fashionable to be dirty. I've heard this from a few, that tigers don't brush their teeth and lions don't have a bath everyday. But neither do pigs and and the horrible smelling he-goats,( no offense to the animals, that's their way of life, just not mine. love them , so as not to hurt them, but can't surely stay with them.) but who wants to prove a point. I'm disgusted and that's it.

People who do not stand by their words: The worst kind. Never believe them, but if it's a person who's currently an indispensable part of your life, well, you've had it. They are manipulative, self destructive and take advantage of you because they know your weaknesses.And if it's your work space, woohoo, BINGO!

Being a part of an injustice. All those things i stood against. All those things i put up a fight for. And now, i become a silent spectator. A mute audience. With bile burning my insides, turning my food upside down. Sadistic. Masochistic.

I am angry is obvious. But what is the solution. I know i need "something". I know it's the dissatisfaction. But then i question myself. Why? I wasn't so dissatisfied in not so distant past. And i question, if this is the life i want.

Interpretation: There is a lot of clutter inside that needs cleaning up. I need control over people, things and situation which most times shall not be so. I am currently in company of people who are breaking my beliefs and preferences and it's shaking my established rules, which is resulting in the chaos.

Yes, i do understand all this. But i still question. Is this the life i bargained for?

Hush New Year!!!!

Another day of my life..and the world ushered in another year with the euphoria and optimism associated only with human race.

Are the "Happy New Year"s really important? Was it happy, the year that was? Or the years that have so swiftly and stealthily passed me by. I do not remember any of those which did not start with atleast a few crackers going off and people screaming and shouting the "Happy New Year" into my ears. I also do not remember how many of those have been really happy. On an afterthought, most of them look rosy and the last one just the worst of the abberations. Or maybe i'm just being the cynic i have become.

I'll remember the last year for so many things. Not the least because the world was rocked by the worst scandals on the economic front, not the least because Obama became the face of hope internationally. Also not because i laughed secretly when "Bush and the Shoe" remained the headlines for days bringing to expose the hidden desire of every country.

Not the least because when we were loosing ourselves in the euphoria of shining markets and glittery sensex, the bubble burst and brought us back to reality of an India that still had 70 % of it living in villages, who still had not had a decent or even an indecent education. Also not because our country still is last century in its health care. Not even because politics has suddely become the economics, geography and chemistry of the globe. Not also because i felt totally squeamish that it took a terrorist attack at the five star locations to awaken patrotism and not the Bhopal tragedy or the blatant corruption, or the lack of education or livelihood options. But yeah, at this time of cheer and hope, let's conviniently forget that all.

Why not ponder over the chemistry within and outside. For example the left and the "who is right" . Or with the "Big Brother America". Oops. Wrong subject again. The Geography , perhaps? Of maps of Kashmir- The chinese, the Indian, the Pakistani or the Big B's. Oh!! Not that too?

Last year i thought the year would be great, i had started on the right foot. But in India you start your initiatives with the left foot. So that probably spoilt it.

No, I'm not very proud of the year that was. Not very hopeful of the year that's just come in through the door. I always write a motto for myself on the forst page of my diary: The last year's said, " Make a difference, be the change and Lead by example.." And that was much before Obama's change song became the world's anthem..i really don't know if i kept up to that motto..Yes, i made a lot of "differences"..i have somehow changed from the girl i was to a woman, i'm not..and god forbid anyone ever follows me..i've set all the wrong examples!!!

And this year, the first date of my diary stares at me from its blank page..

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

The last Year: R.I.P.