This is something i don't usually give a miss since 1988. Yes, since i was 8 years old i have always written about the year that was on the eve to remind me of the things that i have learnt.
And this year, i have been too busy to write. Too busy to talk to family and friends. Too busy to get in touch with myself. Just making sure, that i find the time to do what i love. Write this post. Just for myself.
One thing that i feel tonight is that this year has been a long year. Usually , i never realise where time flies. But this year when i count the number of things done, places visited, milestones reached, looks like it's been a long journey. Looking back, nothing stands out that i feel proud of. But nothing saddens me immensely as well. It's like a mediocre effort with flashes of brilliance too far in between.
Like every year, i have grown calmer by my standards, but remain volatile by everyone else's. This year, i have become a bit opinionated. Last year, i would have looked at it as something negative. This year, i am proud that i have certain opinions i do not want to change. This year, i have met many people whose opinions and loyalties have changed like the global weather regime and consistency as elusive as the winters in mumbai. Thank God, at least i had my own opinions and standards that kept me floating in the weathers that have been rough. In the year , i have realised, maybe reinforced , yet again that survival of the fittest does not only relate to the poor pea plants in Darwin's experiments. It's the truth in every life, every day. From the sapling on the fourteenth floor to a colleague in the office, everyone's running the race.
This year i have also fallen in love with mumbai. After our initial squabbles, that i now know were the lovers' tiffs, i am completely charmed by mumbai. Like every relationship, we have our rough patches, the difficult times, but we weather it along. Sometimes mumbai soothes me, sometimes i make my compromises. I have created my small dream home with the man i love in this oh-so-beautiful, harsh and loving city and as the year ends, one thing i am sure of , i would really be heartbroken if i had to move out.
One thing i also know is that i will never stop evolving or growing. I have also realised, if i never cared for what people thought about me earlier, this year i have just set my own standards and will do anything to stand by them. Pretensions will always be pretensions. You can only be you. If only people became good at being themselves, the world would be such a great place. I would, at least, know who is who. But then, to everyone their own.
I have been awake many nights missing my home, that seems so far away. So away. My papa, mummy and brothers. But this year end, i have a feeling a wheel has turned and the new road will bring some good things for everyone back home. My year will also start with my taking the first steps to my new homeland in Hazaribagh. I have a warm feeling when i think of the trip. After being postponed for two years, i am now sure the time has come for the grihalaxmi to step into the house. Pun intended for laxmi ji. I hope she does the honours on all of us. We've lived on the fringes long enough. Now, we will take the centre stage. On a different note, this year i have also realised that nothing is impossible. If you have a dream and you are persistent and committed, nothing can stop you. And money matters, but not too much.
My personal life is in a good space. I feel loved and cherished by my friends and family, the few people i own completely as mine and feel happy to have them in my life, who have the faith, who make me what i am, who stand by me even in my idiosyncrasies.
From India starting on such a high note last year to the lowest ebb it has reached today, in terms of the lokpal, the economic policies and slowdown, the feeling of instability everywhere, from becoming the world number one in the non official national game to sinking low enough even by our own standards, nothing is static, nothing is stationary. Life goes on. Life moves on. You survive only if you move. You stop and you are dead.
From living with the cause i loved to thinking about it from a different perspective this year, i have seen an India that i had only heard of. The India who talks about the poor and poverty but has never seen them. I have now seen the policies being made in isolation. I have seen people who go on vacations when fifty percent of India is either reeling under its harsh winters, its difficult summers or its rains or the lack of it. I have seen that the great Indian Middle class in breaking the barriers of its own creation and aspiring to reach new heights and getting there. But the great Indian Middle class is still getting there, not fully there and some of them will not ever get there, living midst broken dreams, disillusioned future and nondescript past. The poor anyways live only in their own memories. For the rest of India, who are too busy like me, the poor, the 50 % are a statistic.
This year my desire to hear Jagjit Singh live now will remain so forever. I have already written the obituaries of a great painter, of a maverick actor producer, of so many others. But that's life. In death they have at least shown me that all of them lived their life on their own terms and lived it.
Strangely, i feel empty of any strong emotions for the year that's slowly going by. And i am trying to feel, but i am numb. And comfortably numb.
Next year, almost here, is another tomorrow. Have a great year everyone. Only one wish, live a full life , every day and be yourself.At least i will. Everyone else, keep the faith .
