Mi Amor

in all sorries and their sorrinesses
in the depth of my gratitude
in the width of the circling horizons
of unending pain
in the heights of my ecstasies
i find you

i lose you for a moment
and i know the stillness of death
but even death has a point
i look everywhere but alas
and in a sudden glance
i find you

you become my zephyr of life
you give me my breath
you beat in my heart
you run in my veins
and i lose myself

in you i lose
your eyes i become
i smell with your breath
you i taste
your ears i become
and i feel you

i become your heart
and fight your mind
i think your thoughts
and i hold your pain
your smile hangs on my dimples
and i find myself again

i raise my hand to touch the mirror
and i see your face
when your hand touches mine
the smile is mine
i see the teardrop on your cheek
and feel the wetness on mine

i hold the thought
and you hold me
the moment lives
and we too live again.

Thank You Life..

Blame it on the season..everyone around me was getting married..no..i still haven't..but soon..yes..very soon..

Needed to say a lot many thank yous..

Ajit Bhai: Thank You for sending me his number..thank you introducing me to my life..Seems so long ago..was it really April, 25th, this year when you gave me his number and i saved it as unknown..took me longer to send that first text across..May 8th..but my life's changed forever since..Thank You again..Ajit bhai, no words will ever show the gratitude both of us feel..

My Family: For understanding me enough and having that faith in me that i'm right in choosing him as my partner for life.And to have waited this long, going alongwith me in all my "no"s, knowing that i would get the best in life..because i'm your best..For knowing that my happiness is not in fancy weddings and fast cars..but in being loved and accepted..and also standing by me when i say i want a small simple wedding where i marry my life..

All Ex-Wayi-Zees: Specifically the Aars and Esses...For having the perception, or lack of it, to move on..to have knowingly or unknowingly have contributed to creation of persons both of us have become..where we understand the difference between the real and fake..when we understand the meaning of love, acceptance and complete surrender to each other....the reason we didn't even have to meet each other to know that we were meant for each other..for always..for life..the meeting was only the formality where all the pieces fell into place..but both of us were already each other's pieces..waiting to meet..am sure none of you expected us to move on..as i surmise from your current reactions, i guess you were fully expecting us to pine and rot away for you..sorry..but no sorries..we didn't..we were never the people who lost out on life..both of us love life..love ourselves..yes we loved you..with all we had and beyond..but it was you who chose to walk out and walk over..the only apology, sorry, we couldn't be the doormats you wanted us to be..

My friends: Ae to Zee.. Thank You for all the loving wishes , blessings and hugs and suggestions and smiles and jokes and tips..yeah, those ones too.. ;) they are a part of me for always..what would i do without you guys..who i sometimes feel are happier than me for me..yeah..don't go touching wood every two seconds..and no "kaala tika"..spare your monitors my loves..

My brothers and sis: Thank You for shaking me out of my irreverence sometimes..and craziness most of the time..and mostly , thank you for standing by me..

To the family i'm going into: Thank You for accepting me as a part of your family..Ma, for your acceptance and love and that assurance that i will find my roots i've always searched for, Madhu, for making me feel so at home and comfortable from the word go and that soft and sweet voice..Ajaa, for that comforting support and making me feel i'm marrying into a family of substance..feel so proud of you, Rishi: For being that devar i always wanted, are we going to have fights??!!! Kinshuk: still to meet you kid, but as your mom tells me about you, we're somewhere on the same levels..Dad..i'm still to meet..But i know, just know you all are made for me..the family of my dreams..Thank You..Will try to live up to the standards you all have unknowingly set..Thank You..

Yes, i'm getting married..when i do not know..where, no idea..in fact i'm as married to him as i can be..

Finally, Thank You my love..for coming into my life..i know both of us come from places where we were destined to meet and make this magic happen..Thank you for being the person you are..thank you for loving me so unconditionally..thank you for being my support, my strength, my pride, my confidence..Thank You for being my epitome, my dream, my value..Do not know when you became mi amor from unknown..do not know how you stole my heart away..but you have..and now you are my passion, my love, my ecstasy..thank you for understanding me..we'll romance life my love..together..i am complete with you..yes..even without you..i miss you..but it's only a waiting that we'll be together soon..to love, live..to read those books we've read and haven't..most importantly, the book of life...when i hold it and you read from it..your voice..my eyes..when the music is the symphony we make together..the fights, the laughter..the songs..the dreams..ours..

Thank You for being you..
i have wondered my love
how many ways i love you
and every day i fall in love again
i love you in the tightness of you embrace
in the softness of your fleeting touch
i love the way you look at me
love the way you look away
when i catch you doing it
love your voice over the phone
your laughter that gurgles from your throat into my heart
love the way you give me a new name everyday
mi amor, Esposa, mi rio, innamorata,
boie, childwoman, puchku
love, life
cheese, wife
yes, i am all those
you are the compliment and the complimentary

i have fallen into you
and do not know
where i end
and where you begin
i am you and you are me..
Dreams shared..because we have had the same dreams
at different times and different places
shared books..because we revel in the words
and our favourite book is our life
shared moments..because no moment is mine
since we met..it's our moments..
shared life..because the missed beats,,
the rushing blood..the pain..the ecstasy
the acceptance..the content
the trust..the belief..is ours..
our life..
Thank You..for being you..

The limits of dis-integration

No, you will not disintegrate
because there is no limit to you
because you are beyond
the known limits you know
because you are here
because you are now
because you are the past
because you are the future

You will not break
because you are a non entity
because your shape is not the body
because your thoughts are beyond boundaries
because you exist in everyone
and everyone exists in you

you will live even after you're gone
you have no choice
you will breathe till eternity
because your breath exists
from the beginning of the beginning
and will be lived by generations
till the end of the end.


You say you care for no one
can you stop everyone breathing
the air you just breathed out?
Can you wipe the slate clean
and undo your touch
in the many lives you've lived
in this one life?
can you stop the people loving you
can you stop the life around
how can you stop yours?

You say death is your goal
But what if there's another life beyond?
Will you live in torture
and set another goal for it to end?

I do not know how to reach out
because you will not let me
i do not know if i should
because my questions are still unanswered
i do not know if it is time
because my quest is not over yet

Your Boie...

Blank spaces give meaning to sentences, the voids make music, the stillness gives meaning to motion and that's what i've been trying to find..I have been very quiet but there's something i can't find..a stillness in thoughts, a stillness in action, a meaning of the void in my heart..the blank spaces that i do not understand..

No friends, noone to talk to..And when there's someone, there's nothing to talk about.. I'm a loner.. i always was..but am i becoming lonely too? Which i wasn't?

The only things i'm managing to find in the process is restlessness, confusion, a thousand unanswered questions..

Someone said i've become frozen-frigid. I think i have. i try to open up, to accept and then shut myself out, completely. In my fear of getting hurt i end up hurting people who are special.

It is as if i do not exist anymore. My life's lived for everyone and i love that life.When i am living that life i'm comfortable, i'm happy. It's where i can give, i can dictate my terms. When it comes to living a life for myself, i shun, i detract, i run away. Why? i do not face my fears, cause i'm scared to feel pain. i do not want to face those demons in the past because i feel it'll be an abyss.

i've given , i give.. but only what i want to..i am scared to take because i always feel i do not deserve to take.

i let you dream last night

because i knew there would be no dreams again

i sang to you my unsung melodies

that was my tribute to you

you want me to be your boie,your book,

but the book's already closed.

i wish i could open the doors to my heart and let you in..

but there are no doors anymore.

i wish i could be owned,

i wish i could belong,

but my wishes are fanciful..

can the sky be owned?

can the air belong?

i love you, i do.

but i am a thief you know.

i steal, without giving back anything.

i wish i had something to give you

but all is that was mine to give is gone..

long before you came smiling by..

i want to take away that pain.

i want to be the friend to you i never had

but only if you let me be.

you know we had our moment

i could have turned it into a raging fire.

but i didn't.

i've lost myself, i told you.

i can't reach myself anymore.

will you forgive me?

will you be my friend?

You say i'm the woman for you..

but how can i be,

when the woman is lost forever..

you sing i fill up your senses..

how can i with all my craziness?

You croon you can't take your mind off me..

Don't love me so much.

i can't love you back.

You do not deserve this coldness.

The warmth has to be answered with heat

the love with passion

the smiles with laughter

You deserve more than i give.

You deserve much more.

My Namesake.

I was in a lethargic mood today and somehow ended up googling my name.

This is what "wiki" has to say..

Had to share it as it totally reflects me..You just have to read between lines..

LOL!!

"Vini is a genus of birds endemic to the islands of the tropical Pacific. They are five extant species of these small lorikeets ranging from eastern Fiji through Samoa, French Polynesia, and as far east as Henderson Island. All members of the genus have exceptional bright plumage, particularly the unusual all over blues of the Blue Lorikeet and the Ultramarine Lorikeet. The Collared Lory (Phigys solitarius) is sometimes considered to be in this genus.

The Vini lorikeets are highly threatened by human changes to their islands. Most species have been lost from a number of islands and two species became extinct before the arrival of European explorers in the Pacific. Today two species are listed as endangered species by the IUCN and two are considered vulnerable. They are primarily threatened by introduced species and habitat loss."

Sir, This is for you!!!

( Sir passed away..on Dusshera, 28.09.2009)

We love you..

That is all i want to say..on behalf of all the students you taught.

Personally, there are so many things i want to tell you. For instance, you'll remain my favourite teacher for ever ever. Because you were one teacher who loved teaching, who loved all children like his own, who cared for every child individually.Because you taught me, nothing is impossible once you set your heart to it. Because you taught me i was special. But how did you forget that sir?How did you forget that you are special too? For all of us- for every student whose life you touched in your very special way..

I still remember sir, when everyone wanted to take some time from your busy schedules, to take private tutions, you made time for all of them..i remember how much you loved me, because you came to teach me at home. sometimes as late as ten thirty in the night, on a bicycle, holding an umbrella on a rainy day, taking so much of pain, waking me up and making me study..not because i ever asked you..but because you just loved me..and you just took it on yourself as a responsibility..

I remember you as a "master" in the true sense because there wasn't a subject you couldn't teach with confidence and elan..i remember, all your classes were fun and maths, chemistry, physics just were your favourite playthings and all social sciences your favourite playmates. i remember all that because every time anyone had a doubt, there was one teacher with the solution: Mishra sir, the pan eating, ever smiling, loving Surendra Mishra Sir.

Oh sir, why didn't you tell us you were so sick? i blame myself the most..I was here, in Keonjhar and you had been suffering silently.. I should have known you wouldn't say anything to anyone..you are too proud for it.. i should have gone and talked to you.

And it feels horrible to see your pillar of strength begin to crumble.. it feels like the worst injustice to hear that voice break up and cry like a small baby, who helped us through our baby steps and helped us grow.

Sir, we are all here with you..to support you, to stand by you. We will not let you crumble. We will see you through this sickness and wait for you to come back. Last time you had a stroke, you came back from your paralysis and started doing the thing you have always loved-teaching. You came back like a true fighter that you've taught us to become. And we all know you'll come back this time too.

There's another batch waiting for you sir.

Get well and come back soon.

Hush New Year!!!!

Another day of my life..and the world ushered in another year with the euphoria and optimism associated only with human race.

Are the "Happy New Year"s really important? Was it happy, the year that was? Or the years that have so swiftly and stealthily passed me by. I do not remember any of those which did not start with atleast a few crackers going off and people screaming and shouting the "Happy New Year" into my ears. I also do not remember how many of those have been really happy. On an afterthought, most of them look rosy and the last one just the worst of the abberations. Or maybe i'm just being the cynic i have become.

I'll remember the last year for so many things. Not the least because the world was rocked by the worst scandals on the economic front, not the least because Obama became the face of hope internationally. Also not because i laughed secretly when "Bush and the Shoe" remained the headlines for days bringing to expose the hidden desire of every country.

Not the least because when we were loosing ourselves in the euphoria of shining markets and glittery sensex, the bubble burst and brought us back to reality of an India that still had 70 % of it living in villages, who still had not had a decent or even an indecent education. Also not because our country still is last century in its health care. Not even because politics has suddely become the economics, geography and chemistry of the globe. Not also because i felt totally squeamish that it took a terrorist attack at the five star locations to awaken patrotism and not the Bhopal tragedy or the blatant corruption, or the lack of education or livelihood options. But yeah, at this time of cheer and hope, let's conviniently forget that all.

Why not ponder over the chemistry within and outside. For example the left and the "who is right" . Or with the "Big Brother America". Oops. Wrong subject again. The Geography , perhaps? Of maps of Kashmir- The chinese, the Indian, the Pakistani or the Big B's. Oh!! Not that too?

Last year i thought the year would be great, i had started on the right foot. But in India you start your initiatives with the left foot. So that probably spoilt it.

No, I'm not very proud of the year that was. Not very hopeful of the year that's just come in through the door. I always write a motto for myself on the forst page of my diary: The last year's said, " Make a difference, be the change and Lead by example.." And that was much before Obama's change song became the world's anthem..i really don't know if i kept up to that motto..Yes, i made a lot of "differences"..i have somehow changed from the girl i was to a woman, i'm not..and god forbid anyone ever follows me..i've set all the wrong examples!!!

And this year, the first date of my diary stares at me from its blank page..

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

The last Year: R.I.P.

Goodbye!!!

You ask me with your eyes to forgive you
You are forgiven , unconditionally

You ask me not to turn away when we meet
i promise you'll see my best smile, if we ever did meet

You ask me not to ever hate you,
i wish i could,
if that's what you think me capable of.

If it is any solace to you,
i look for you on the roads i take,
i think of you every step i take.
i feel you in every moment that passes
you are the smile on my lips and the tears on my lashes

You beg with those words not spoken
to understand
But my love,
i have understood
more than i ever should

I will cry my thousand tears
My heart will bleed with the pain of my own love
But for you my love
they will be the tears of the phoenix .
To heal your pain and smooth the scars.

You want to see me in eternal smiles
i promise that is what you'll see
You want me to forget all the pain
Yes my love, that shall be.

The Indian Justice!!!

You guys deserve it.

A standing ovation.

And we give it you with all our heart, a standing ovation from the entire nation, with its broken heart and shaken trust .

And we are also proud of the justice you meted out to the nation. You spend Rs. 105,600 this year on national defence, nearly 14.1 per cent of total central government expenditure on "National Defence" undermining the importance of Health, Education, Services and Infrastructure and terrorists still attack the poshest and most "High Security" areas of the country and kill people randomly . I am sure they could any day bomb the India Gate and you could still be sleeping. And one day you just might reach for that office of yours, the "beautifully designed piece of architecture " by Lutyens and find that it's been wiped off the face of the earth and still only manage to dish out lines that are sourly boring and as interesting as eating toilet paper. I can hardly stop laughing when you guys , in your crisp white kurtas and Nehru jackets blabber the same lines like parrots, the ones that go "we condemn the attacks, the guilty will not be spared, we stand united, we share the grief, it's the nations shared grief". Oh! You also think that the resignation of your "Home Minister" is the greatest condonance and will set right all the wrongs and failures and wipe out the pain felt by the friends and relatives and shared by everyone but you.

Who are the guilty my dear ministers? Who will you catch hold of? Who will finally be tried in your courts of justice and who will be the judge?

By the way, as Visa, my younger brother, suggested, why don't you teach those courageous journalists how to shoot with your imported, high perfomance guns? They are doing a great job of shooting and with perfect aim at that with their cameras. And not withstanding the fact that they were there at all those sites, beaming videos of the attacks across the world much earlier than the National Security Personnel, who for all we know, realised the emergency through those news channels and reached the site after 8 hours.

And of course the million dollar question that everyone's asking and has created a chain of smses going around..Where is Raj? Would the nation love to see his "marathi" face now!!!

We are waiting for your justice , pardon the inverted commas , "Milord".

Prelude to Procrastination.

Things that need to be spoken about/ written about later..And then, maybe not.

1. When i met a friend last week in Delhi, he said, "So, you guys have been murdering Christians? How did you guys become an intolerant lot?" Perspectives can be so different. Everyone saw the volcano erupt, some felt the turbulence beneath and the people who were in midst of things are still burning beneath the surface, like they have been for the last 60 years..

2. Where is that elusive God? does s/he really exist? I'm tired of looking for solutions and i don't know when i'll leave it all to go into my Atlantis..I'm overworked but still haven't given up that dope called hope..But something tells me, it will be time soon.. Time for what , i do not know. And no, this isn't rant.

3. Does coming into Social Work ( Developmental Work is what i call it but just to keep up that facade) mean that you are unprofessional? Does it give everyone a right to question your integrity and hold you guilty for felonies you had no hand in? Does it mean you can be underpaid, in fact lesser than daily wages, give yourself to your work 24X 7 just because you decided this was the profession you would undertake? Do people actually believe that everyone who starts working in this sector has to be a volunteer?

4. When will the time come when the modern day gods (the planners, implementers,executors -Government in short) realise that relief work forever for people will not make them developed. Beggary is not a way to philanthropy. When will they realise that Rs 2/ - rice for BPL families is not filling their stomachs and giving them better lives, it's only making them lazy, unproductive and in the end , poorer than they already were..

5. How many times have you looked at an able bodied beggar and given alms to her/him? Has it ever made you feel good about it? No? ask yourself why..

6. How long will we keep accepting corruption as a part of our lives, everywhere we go..More on that , later..

7. One of my Dad's friends, who incedentally has also gone on to become one of my best friends asked me why i was not getting married soon. He said , the attractive, independent, intelligent woman that i was there should be a zillion crazy-about-me guys chasing me.. i told him, they do, but i'm still to meet a guy who i want to chase..He said , " That means you want to do a "chasing-each-other-around-the-trees " number? " Had never thought about it that way, but it does explain , in a wierd kinda way what i want my relationship to be.. On equal levels, going through the same rough and smooth patches, with similar perspectives and so crazy about each other that we do end up chasing each other..Just hope that we finally get into each other's arms at some point of time.. i tend to get easily tired..

later then..when i get into the details..Work beckons..Whatever that will be today...

Unspoken..

A life forgotton
another remembered
of silence and words
Unspoken ,unuttered
of looks shaded
of touches personal
of moments stolen
from time that was never ours

The pain is eternal
But so is the love.

The Lull...

A storm has been brewing up inside me.

I just do not know where to find the vent and how. Last night a friend called to say that i have been very out of touch.. I probably have been. No. No probably(s) " about it. I have been. Full stop.

It isn't because i have been quiet. On the contrary, life's become more hectic if that was possible.

There is so much to write about. Next few days i am going to take out time and right about those things i have been meaning to.

Apologies to all mailers i haven't replied. Apologies to the unanswered text messages and calls.

It shall suffice to say, have been really caught up and not in the right frame of mind when i did have the time.

See you all around.

Hugs

I have noone to blame...

Life teaches you a lesson. You miss it. You forget it. You ignore it.

And then ? You commit the same mistake twice. And this time around, there's no one to blame except one person- Yourself.